New here - I'm really struggling

[Tellmerose]

Hi, I'm Rose. I dated, married, and divorced a man with BPD. He cheated on me with the same girl throughout our 4 year relationship. When I left him, he broke up with her, and got a new girlfriend. He was stalking me, I filed a restraining order. Had zero contact for 2 months. I saw he was moving away from the town he brought me to and I'm now stuck in. He left his girlfriend and moved out of state to start a new life, and has a new girlfriend.

Sounds simple right? Done, over.

When I found out he was leaving, I picked up the phone and called him. I wanted him to know how mad I was that he got to just start over, leaving a trail of pain. What I got  was tears from him, which had not happened in the years of apologies for cheating, and an apology for what he had done. I needed to hear that and I was glad he was moving away, I wouldn't have to worry about seeing him.

But... .I miss the good times, the loving part of him, the friendship, the support, the laughter.

He, of course, says he loves me and wants to know how we can be together. I don't know that I want to be together, but having him out of my life causes me sadness. I'm in pain with him and without him. I don't want to date anyone else, I'll never love or trust another man again - at least with him I know what I'm getting.

I try to be strong, but I'm not, I'm weak. I know I should cut him out completely, but I miss him.

Please help. Your thoughts are appreciated.

[OnceConfused]

Rose:

What you are going through is quite NORMAL as you are going the grieving process. It starts with a shock, then confusion, then clarity and then finally growth. You are in the confusion stage right now.

Time normally is the best healer but you might want to find ways to accelerate your time through the confusion stage, because once the clarity sets in you will find peace and growth. 

First of all, remember that we all have attachments, which are at the root of all our suffering. The moment we become attached to something, that moment we become slave to that something.  Wayne Dyer said it beautifully : "have a mind that is open to everything and attached to nothing."

Do you see how your attachment works to bring you suffering here? A man who cheated on you for 4 years and who quickly got another girl friend as soon as the divorce finalized and yet you are still missing him. 

This case is not so much about your xh and his BPD but really is all about YOU. Who you are, your characters, your strength and your resolve in life. Use this time to learn from the experience, ask some questions of yourself like:

1. Why am I missing him despite all he has done? Why do I need his affirmation (friendship, support, laughter) for my happiness and existence? Why can I find those affirmation from within me, from what I do every day and my accomplishments ?

2. Think about all the negatives that man has brought into your life and had you stayed longer what would become of you?

3. How can a man after cheating on you for 4 years then switching to multiple gfs , still say "I love you" and want to be with you? Is that a sincere saying or he just plays lip services? . I hope you can read the story on Drew Peterson on CNN - who used his charms to get married to 4 wives with 2 deaths and 1 disappearance. Does your man sound like another Drew Peterson ?

4. Bruce Lee commented that we had to empty our cup. You have to empty your cup so that new and fresh water can be poured in. Go out, find friends, or reconnect with old friends, learn new things (dancing, new language, volunteering), - that is how you emptying your cup of old stale water with new fresh water.