Help

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi

I wondered if anyone could help shed some light in on the situation. I was recently dumped by my ex boyfriend (late twenties). We met about a year ago & we're friends for a while as he talked about his exes for a while (I realize this is where I made my first mistake). He was clearly confused when we met as he appeared to be angry at both his previous exes (one he walked out on who was quite ill over the issue of him not being sure if he wanted kids but he was mainly angry about a previous ex who had dumped him & he thought was the one). At the time I tried to help understand he needed to forgive and move on. It was a mixture of angry and yet crying. He hated the previous ex with a passion. It was never his fault he rarely expressed any guilt over it but must have done internally for him to be so upset


Eventually we ended up dating I'd told myself the exes situation was more of an abandonment/rejection issue rather than a rebound. Three months past & he treated me like a princess & im sad to say better than I have ever been treated (having been in a long term relationship with someone I'm still friends with). He put me on a pedestal which worried me ad there is only one way down. After a matter of weeks he was keen to meet my family & friends which I said I wasn't ready for. He was incredibly insecure & fearful I would dump him. I wanted to slow the relationship down because the intensity worried me & because of his ex situation. But regardless we had a great connection & got on well.

One day he had mentioned the ex again & I asked him if he was still annoyed with her to which he replied he hoped horrible things happen to her. Needless to say I had an issue with this partly because he wished such horrible things but also because he had slagged both his exes off even the one he dumped when she was quite ill. It was always the exes fault & he was always saying how he'd had such bad luck in relationships. Occasionally he went quiet when I suggested they weren't all to blame. After this he went silent on me for two weeks. He did this a number of times which was truly more horrible than it sounds. I felt as if I was being punished & I'm ashamed to say made me go crazy I felt completely worthless. Once he ignored me for two weeks over something that wasn't even my fault (he'd called me fat & then got angry at me for arguing with him & said if we didn't stop we'd have to end it). He hated conflict & rarely said anything nasty to me. He was often hugely emotional all problems were responded too through tears or being silent never words.  He changed his mind and made impulsive life altering decisions without much thought , e.g. He moved house an hour away then battled with this decision for ages. He moved to be nearer to work then applied for a job near where he used to live! One minute he was buying s car then not then going on. Holiday then not, etc etc.

He grew more and more distant every time I tried to address his stonewalling and silent treatment towards me. One day he hadn't even bothered to tell me he wasn't going to see me on a day we had planned. It was the last straw I said we should call it a day. He ignored me and ignored me even when I told him I was upset. He then said he was depressed & I forgave him. A few days later he dumped me saying it was because I put him down Z& wouldn't meet his friends. Then a few days later he changed his mind & agreed they weren't serious issues that couldn't be sorted. Then he changed his mind again & dumped me telling me I was special & loved him.

I was completely and utterly confused. He was so insecure I never thought he dump me but it was obvious he was distancing himself. I stupidly contacted him afterwards in an attempt to understand the reasons why and got no answers. I Beat myself up so badly afterwards worrying I had put him down. I pointed out his issues to him ( the impulsivity, the changing minds, anger at past, sadness). I was concerned he was depressed now I wonder if he had BPD his reasons for breakup was very black& white. Several weeks passed & I felt much happier being free from anxiety of being ignored. I contacted him several week again I was worried he had BPD/very depressed (he mentioned suicide the day we broke up). He responded once but then ignored me. This triggered a lot of bad memories for me& I stupidly continued to text him (this is th effect it had on me) he got quite nasty blaming me again. I said he needed to Stop blaming everyone else after the way he had treated me and said it was easier for him to do this then take a look at himself and his own actions. I later apologized because although I meant what I said it was the right thing to do. I told him I was sorry for contacting him again but him ignoring me made me feel worthless and reminded me of it happening before. That was a hard thing for me to admit to. He got his mate to send me a lot of random weird messages which were inadvertent to mock me. I can just imagine him telling his maters I was crazy. I think he thought I wanted him back I just wanted to be friend to help him (I am still friends with an ex so this isn't unusual for me). I told him this but either he was worried I wanted him back or he though I had moved on.

Do you think he sounds like he has BPD? I though initially depression but he had moments of being extremely happy it was only whenever he  was on his own. He said he often felt empty. His mum cheated on his dad so he had past issues. I have carried around an enormous sense of guilt. Thinking I put him down but largely because I have failed him. I. Didn't make him get help and I know he can't help it. He never said sorry to me ever for the way he treated me. I feel so humiliated and also stupid for what has happened. I'm not sure if I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and that I didn't even realize this. I'm a reasonably smart girl but i have a big heart and want to help people perhaps too much. I feel so relieved but also so sad he pulled the carpet from under my feet and I'm struggling to understand it all.

Sorry for such a ridiculously long post but this is screwing up my self esteem.

[Kinzon123]

Hi

I wondered if anyone could help shed some light in on the situation. I was recently dumped by my ex boyfriend (late twenties). We met about a year ago & we're friends for a while as he talked about his exes for a while (I realize this is where I made my first mistake). He was clearly confused when we met as he appeared to be angry at both his previous exes (one he walked out on who was quite ill over the issue of him not being sure if he wanted kids but he was mainly angry about a previous ex who had dumped him & he thought was the one). At the time I tried to help understand he needed to forgive and move on. It was a mixture of angry and yet crying. He hated the previous ex with a passion. It was never his fault he rarely expressed any guilt over it but must have done internally for him to be so upset


Eventually we ended up dating I'd told myself the exes situation was more of an abandonment/rejection issue rather than a rebound. Three months past & he treated me like a princess & im sad to say better than I have ever been treated (having been in a long term relationship with someone I'm still friends with). He put me on a pedestal which worried me ad there is only one way down. After a matter of weeks he was keen to meet my family & friends which I said I wasn't ready for. He was incredibly insecure & fearful I would dump him. I wanted to slow the relationship down because the intensity worried me & because of his ex situation. But regardless we had a great connection & got on well.

One day he had mentioned the ex again & I asked him if he was still annoyed with her to which he replied he hoped horrible things happen to her. Needless to say I had an issue with this partly because he wished such horrible things but also because he had slagged both his exes off even the one he dumped when she was quite ill. It was always the exes fault & he was always saying how he'd had such bad luck in relationships. Occasionally he went quiet when I suggested they weren't all to blame. After this he went silent on me for two weeks. He did this a number of times which was truly more horrible than it sounds. I felt as if I was being punished & I'm ashamed to say made me go crazy I felt completely worthless. Once he ignored me for two weeks over something that wasn't even my fault (he'd called me fat & then got angry at me for arguing with him & said if we didn't stop we'd have to end it). He hated conflict & rarely said anything nasty to me. He was often hugely emotional all problems were responded too through tears or being silent never words.  He changed his mind and made impulsive life altering decisions without much thought , e.g. He moved house an hour away then battled with this decision for ages. He moved to be nearer to work then applied for a job near where he used to live! One minute he was buying s car then not then going on. Holiday then not, etc etc.

He grew more and more distant every time I tried to address his stonewalling and silent treatment towards me. One day he hadn't even bothered to tell me he wasn't going to see me on a day we had planned. It was the last straw I said we should call it a day. He ignored me and ignored me even when I told him I was upset. He then said he was depressed & I forgave him. A few days later he dumped me saying it was because I put him down Z& wouldn't meet his friends. Then a few days later he changed his mind & agreed they weren't serious issues that couldn't be sorted. Then he changed his mind again & dumped me telling me I was special & loved him.

I was completely and utterly confused. He was so insecure I never thought he dump me but it was obvious he was distancing himself. I stupidly contacted him afterwards in an attempt to understand the reasons why and got no answers. I Beat myself up so badly afterwards worrying I had put him down. I pointed out his issues to him ( the impulsivity, the changing minds, anger at past, sadness). I was concerned he was depressed now I wonder if he had BPD his reasons for breakup was very black& white. Several weeks passed & I felt much happier being free from anxiety of being ignored. I contacted him several week again I was worried he had BPD/very depressed (he mentioned suicide the day we broke up). He responded once but then ignored me. This triggered a lot of bad memories for me& I stupidly continued to text him (this is th effect it had on me) he got quite nasty blaming me again. I said he needed to Stop blaming everyone else after the way he had treated me and said it was easier for him to do this then take a look at himself and his own actions. I later apologized because although I meant what I said it was the right thing to do. I told him I was sorry for contacting him again but him ignoring me made me feel worthless and reminded me of it happening before. That was a hard thing for me to admit to. He got his mate to send me a lot of random weird messages which were inadvertent to mock me. I can just imagine him telling his maters I was crazy. I think he thought I wanted him back I just wanted to be friend to help him (I am still friends with an ex so this isn't unusual for me). I told him this but either he was worried I wanted him back or he though I had moved on.

Do you think he sounds like he has BPD? I though initially depression but he had moments of being extremely happy it was only whenever he  was on his own. He said he often felt empty. His mum cheated on his dad so he had past issues. I have carried around an enormous sense of guilt. Thinking I put him down but largely because I have failed him. I. Didn't make him get help and I know he can't help it. He never said sorry to me ever for the way he treated me. I feel so humiliated and also stupid for what has happened. I'm not sure if I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and that I didn't even realize this. I'm a reasonably smart girl but i have a big heart and want to help people perhaps too much. I feel so relieved but also so sad he pulled the carpet from under my feet and I'm struggling to understand it all.

Sorry for such a ridiculously long post but this is screwing up my self esteem.

[once removed]

hey kinzon123, and welcome to bpdfamily!

im really sorry to hear youve been through this, but im very glad you found us. i can relate to several parts of your story, and im sure most of the members here can as well. youre not alone  .

it seems like both you and i were in a situation we were kind of apprehensive about, but still shocked to the core when the carpet was yanked out. it speaks to exactly how high charged and volatile these relationships can be. at the time, my ex was clingy and dependent, and i didnt believe i could possibly be dumped either. being put on a pedestal only to be knocked off, even when you are uncomfortable or apprehensive about it, can none the less be devastating when it happens. 

and no, it doesnt sound as if this person was very receptive to the notion that he played a role or shared any blame in his relationships, and it does sound as if that hasnt changed. you are correct, silent treatment is usually a form of punishment, and it is abusive. frankly its understandable that it would make you feel crazy. i didnt experience it directly, but plenty of members here can attest to it causing some very desperate feelings.

"This triggered a lot of bad memories for me& I stupidly continued to text him"

can you elaborate on the bad memories it triggered? many members here, myself included, find that issues from our past played a prominent role in our relationship. it can really help to discover the connection and ultimately break free from it as we heal.

":)o you think he sounds like he has BPD? I though initially depression but he had moments of being extremely happy it was only whenever he  was on his own."

its difficult to say as we arent professionals and cant diagnose, but i do know something about depression having experienced it, and these arent necessarily the actions of a depressed person; that doesnt mean hes not depressed though, as BPD has a high comorbidity rate with other personality disorders, mood disorders, etc, depression being one of them.

"I have carried around an enormous sense of guilt. Thinking I put him down but largely because I have failed him. I. Didn't make him get help and I know he can't help it."

i understand the feeling, but try not to beat yourself up in this regard. you didnt fail him. you didnt create his issues, you didnt cause them, and unfortunately you cant cure them. that has to come from him, and as mentioned, he doesnt seem very receptive to that notion.

we have several resources here at bpdfamily, that will be of great use to you both in understanding these behaviors and detaching from the wounds associated. i would start here, with how a BPD relationship evolves: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm

hang in there, and please keep posting. youve come to the right place. we are here to help.

[Kinzon123]

Thankyou so much for reply. I've had periods of doubt and feeling as if I failed him & maybe I caused the whole situation by pointing out his issues. I'll never really understand why he ended it although clearly that was for the best. I feel sad for him largely despite the way he treated me. And perhaps this is the impulsivity and black and white thinking. I'm not sure if that helps or not as I put the blame on myself and seem to forget to remind myself I may have been in an emotionally abusive relationship.

I kept contacting him when he ignored me as it drove me crazy. I have never experienced this before and to me is not the way I would solve a problem. I am fairly secure in myself but being ignored when things weren't even my fault made me feel as if I was being punished. Your mind runs away with you and you fill in all sorts of gaps. I guess I have some insecurity about myself and that was brought out when he gave me the silent treatment.  I also contacted him because I work with people that have sometimes have mental health problems and it's in my nature to care even when I shouldn't or even when it's a detriment to myself.

Also I had not wanted to put in the same basket as his exes although stupidly I know realise that was always going to be the case. The problem isn't his exes it's him. Maybe I shouldn't have raised his issues with him but he did raise some problems he had with me and I changed myself and will reflect on it. Nothing was ever his fault. I just can't believe how badly he treated me after treating me better than I have ever been treated before. He'd never get help without my help as he wouldn't dream of discussing it with his male friends or his family. And he couldn't face up to the fact someone may find fault in him. I never raised my concerns with him and the way he treated me as a way to make him feel upset or at fault but you have to take responsibility for actions.

He finds it so difficult to move on from past relationships but yet keeps ending them with people he still loves rather than staying to work out problems he flees.

It's a relief to know that there are other people out there that know exactly how it feels. This has really Bashed my self confidence.

[once removed]

kinzon123,

i think its important to note this is a very recent situation. and not just a situation, but a traumatic experience 

when i went through it myself, there was no telling what i was going to feel or think from day to day. it took time, and a lot of it. i could not put it into perspective very quickly at all. i replayed the relationship what must have been thousands of times, in my head, trying to gleam something, trying to connect it all. this is all part of the process, of processing trauma. we ask a ton of questions of ourselves, doubt ourselves, doubt our partner, feel extreme emotional ups and downs (to say the least), etc. feeling sad for him, feeling compassion for him, i can tell you, thats going to be of great use to you in the process. but it will be just as useful to feel compassion for yourself, and to treat yourself with compassion and love. are there things you can be doing to practice this?

"I kept contacting him when he ignored me as it drove me crazy. I have never experienced this before and to me is not the way I would solve a problem. I am fairly secure in myself but being ignored when things weren't even my fault made me feel as if I was being punished. Your mind runs away with you and you fill in all sorts of gaps. I guess I have some insecurity about myself and that was brought out when he gave me the silent treatment.  I also contacted him because I work with people that have sometimes have mental health problems and it's in my nature to care even when I shouldn't or even when it's a detriment to myself."

i mentioned i didnt receive the silent treatment, but, literally right before we broke up, i was ignored, and it drove me crazy too. i left a few messages, called a half dozen times, and sent a facebook message. i had some insecurity too; each of my exes had gone really distant on me before the breakup, so those feelings were triggered. identifying these dynamics in ourselves is also incredibly useful in "adding things up".

its unfortunate that this person would rather blame others for his pain rather than see his role in it, or seek help for it. sadly, this is quite often the case. its not necessarily easy for anyone to do, but a person with a personality disorder may have a far more difficult time acknowledging that there is a problem, or that the problem might be them. this is not your fault 

its an incredibly sad, frustrating, and very surreal experience that youve been through/are going through. it will take time to recover from, to make sense of what youve been through, heck, to make sense of the world again. but you really have come to precisely the right place to help you do just that. we are a support group, one of the best, and we also have a slew of valuable resources on each of our boards. in the process, you may also want to consider seeing a therapist. so many members here do, and they report it being invaluable to their recovery.

hang in there. things will get better; sometimes it feels as if they get worse before they do, but from experience, thats actually progress too. we are here to help you with both the ups and downs along the way 

[Kinzon123]

Thankyou for your advice and taking the time to reply.

I will not let this get the better of me. I did my best and I could do no more. He could never be there for me in the way I was for him & afterall that's all we really deserve.