Facebook. Games or a sign that he's just not that into me.

[Lovingme35]

I have been with my pwBPD for a little over a year now. Facebook has always been a challenge. Every time we break up, I get deleted. After months of not being friends, he added me back again with a lot of pressure from me. In the last week, a lot of people have changed their profiles to the new rainbow one, as did I. SO liked a couple of their profile pics, but not mine. We went and saw a movie on Sun and he mentioned how many people had changed their photos. I casually replied "yes, and I did as well. It would be nice if u like my profile," and left it at that. He claimed he didn't see it. Today, not only did he not like my profile, but liked four other girls profile photos instead! I am hurt by this. I don't think I will give him the satisfaction of knowing that, but what is the meaning behind this? He never likes my posts, and I am not one that posts often. Maybe once a month if that. Even when my dad died, he did not "like" that post either. He calls me narcissist, but I am not one that likes attention on me. I am actually the opposite. Is this a game or is he just really not that into me? It kind of feels like he is trying to hide me or something like that. There is one girl in particular that is very attractive, but married that he gives a lot of attention to. He likes every single one of her posts and photos. She posts a couple of times a week. It just confuses me when he wants to spend all of his free time with me, and tells me I'm his best friend. I'm starting to think he secretly hates me.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Lovingme35]

I want to add that adding me back as a friend required me giving him an ultimatum. Add me back or I'm walking away. It sounds so stupid. It's only Facebook right, but it got me thinking of why he didn't want to add me back on. Like he was hiding me or something. It was just the principal of it all. His reasoning was that he was afraid we would break up again. (silly because he is still facebook friends with all his ex's) Again it just did not make since.

[Mutt]

Hi lovingme35,

Every time we break up, I get deleted

I notice my ex partner has a habit of doing this as well with inter-personal relationships. BPD is a spectrum disorder and the disorder doesn't define the person, every person is individual and unique.

Are you familiar with the term splitting?

[bluejeans]

Facebook is such a wierd thing. My SO spends a lot of time on there. She posts a lot about her life. I hardly post and if I do it is rarely very personal. She hardly ever likes my posts and I wonder if she even looks at them. Mostly she likes all the attention she gets from her posts and she gets a lot since she has a lot of friends both "real" and not.  What I have decided to do is not pay too much attention to the how's and why's of her Facebook world. It used to drive me crazy trying to figure out what it all means - who she is paying attention to etc. but now I rarely think about it and it is one less thing to get stressed out about.

[willemina]

Hi Loving,

I can relate to a lot of what you shared. My exBPD BF have never once liked any of my posts and I too rarely post anything, but this month I did and it was pictures of me and my mom who gave me up for adoption and I just found her and I had 90 likes and many comments, but the one person who never liked the pics was him.

He is a FB snob too with me. wow, he also likes one of his friends wife's posts all the time!

I have a question... .When you were with other people 'as a couple' did you notice if he 'represented you two as a couple, or was it more like it was all him trying to woo people just representing himself?"

I had a friend tell me it seems like he tries really hard to be liked when meeting new people. She is a wise woman, so I started to watch and sure enough, he really tries to impress and make everybody like him, and gives a damn if I am enjoying it. Its almost like he was sending a message "Just being with me, you should be happy"

I was not unfriended by him, but he has been giving me the silent treatment for 5 weeks now.

what are you going to do? I have not tried to contact him, and I take this one day at a time. Some days are harder than others.

[ThanksForPlaying]

I'm not a Facebook poster, but I do have an account. Several months into our rs she got upset that I hadn't accepted her friend request. I literally don't log in for months at a time, and I explained that to her. She had to withdraw the request to make herself feel better, as if she couldn't handle the rejection. Didn't bother me, but then she asked me ahead of time I'd she could add me again, and I added her.   It's just more opportunity for mind games if you ask me, I wouldn't get too involved

[Lovingme35]

Hi lovingme35,

Every time we break up, I get deleted

I notice my ex partner has a habit of doing this as well with inter-personal relationships. BPD is a spectrum disorder and the disorder doesn't define the person, every person is individual and unique.

Are you familiar with the term splitting?

Hi and thanks for the welcome! Yes I am familiar with that term. I am just not sure how he would be doing it in this case? We are on great terms. At least it appears that way to me.

[Lovingme35]

Hi Loving,

I can relate to a lot of what you shared. My exBPD BF have never once liked any of my posts and I too rarely post anything, but this month I did and it was pictures of me and my mom who gave me up for adoption and I just found her and I had 90 likes and many comments, but the one person who never liked the pics was him.

He is a FB snob too with me. wow, he also likes one of his friends wife's posts all the time!

I have a question... .When you were with other people 'as a couple' did you notice if he 'represented you two as a couple, or was it more like it was all him trying to woo people just representing himself?"

I had a friend tell me it seems like he tries really hard to be liked when meeting new people. She is a wise woman, so I started to watch and sure enough, he really tries to impress and make everybody like him, and gives a damn if I am enjoying it. Its almost like he was sending a message "Just being with me, you should be happy"

I was not unfriended by him, but he has been giving me the silent treatment for 5 weeks now.

what are you going to do? I have not tried to contact him, and I take this one day at a time. Some days are harder than others.

I almost wonder if we are dealing with the same person? Lol He does act like we are a couple when we are out, but he wants to talk to everybody and find out all about them. I participate at first, but it gets exhausting. If anything he wants me to join in more. He assumes I'm in a bad mood if I am shy or quiet around new people. Interesting about all the similar behaviors though

[Lovingme35]

I'm not a Facebook poster, but I do have an account. Several months into our rs she got upset that I hadn't accepted her friend request. I literally don't log in for months at a time, and I explained that to her. She had to withdraw the request to make herself feel better, as if she couldn't handle the rejection. Didn't bother me, but then she asked me ahead of time I'd she could add me again, and I added her.   It's just more opportunity for mind games if you ask me, I wouldn't get too involved

This is a great idea, and I try not to get too involved, but it's hard. If he was not on several times a day, I would not be so hurt by his behavior. I do think it's some sort of mind game though. I have been watching his behavior online for over a year now, and now that he has added me, he is on much more than usual, and has been adding 3-4 friends a day to his profile. Not his normal behavior. Then again he could be scouting for his next relationship.

[nomoremommyfood]

Mine did/does this - the "liking" of other people's posts, the comments everywhere but on my page. We're currently on the skids (he blocked me 1.5 to 2 months ago, which he seemed to view as the nail in the "done with you coffin" but, prior to that, this would always bother me!

I have been/was with him for 8.5 years and only a few months ago he started "liking" posts on my page. Our relationship was really "underground" considering the social norm of intense coupling, so my mentioning "my boyfriend" would always be met with "Who's your new boyfriend" to the point that it became a running joke. I remember the slightest sense of pride when some alluded to the joke and he "liked" it.

He suddenly dumped me/disappeared a few weeks after, but that's another story.

Even from the beginning, he'd delete my comments until I started only leaving photos of Kurt Cobain, whom he'd never erase. It got better, but I did notice that he wouldn't put an "in a relationship" status (I didn't either) and would, over the years, use FB as a means to upset me when we were fighting. Like, adding other girls as friends.

I think it might have to do with their inability to make decisions. Though it's a silly forum, being really public about being in a relationship "sets it in stone" and, once something's set in stone, it becomes serious. And serious becomes scary. When they're flip-flopping on their feelings, any concrete sign of commitment opens them up to more devastation when "it all comes crumbling down" (or, knowing that pwBPD can get indecisive, appears to make a public "decision" when they still have committed in their minds).  

The fact that mine took over eight years to make even the slightest acknowledge he was my boyfriend by just "liking" a post says something - I even learned to call him before posting things like "check out my boyfriend's new CD" and him being okay with it was a big step. Then again, a few months after he was okay with my publicly calling him my boyfriend, he did an "about-facebook" and blocked me. Not your situation but I think that while we think these things are petty, they might put a lot of stock in them.  

[Lovingme35]

Mine did/does this - the "liking" of other people's posts, the comments everywhere but on my page. We're currently on the skids (he blocked me 1.5 to 2 months ago, which he seemed to view as the nail in the "done with you coffin" but, prior to that, this would always bother me!

I have been/was with him for 8.5 years and only a few months ago he started "liking" posts on my page. Our relationship was really "underground" considering the social norm of intense coupling, so my mentioning "my boyfriend" would always be met with "Who's your new boyfriend" to the point that it became a running joke. I remember the slightest sense of pride when some alluded to the joke and he "liked" it.

He suddenly dumped me/disappeared a few weeks after, but that's another story.

Even from the beginning, he'd delete my comments until I started only leaving photos of Kurt Cobain, whom he'd never erase. It got better, but I did notice that he wouldn't put an "in a relationship" status (I didn't either) and would, over the years, use FB as a means to upset me when we were fighting. Like, adding other girls as friends.

I think it might have to do with their inability to make decisions. Though it's a silly forum, being really public about being in a relationship "sets it in stone" and, once something's set in stone, it becomes serious. And serious becomes scary. When they're flip-flopping on their feelings, any concrete sign of commitment opens them up to more devastation when "it all comes crumbling down" (or, knowing that pwBPD can get indecisive, appears to make a public "decision" when they still have committed in their minds). 

The fact that mine took over eight years to make even the slightest acknowledge he was my boyfriend by just "liking" a post says something - I even learned to call him before posting things like "check out my boyfriend's new CD" and him being okay with it was a big step. Then again, a few months after he was okay with my publicly calling him my boyfriend, he did an "about-facebook" and blocked me. Not your situation but I think that while we think these things are petty, they might put a lot of stock in them. 

I have followed your story and it scares the crap out of me. We have been through some bad break ups before and I'm always on edge, paranoid that the next one could come at any moment. They are always unexpected. It's the feeling of not knowing if this one is going to be the last. :'(

The fourth of July is coming up next weekend and I am so on edge, I haven't slept in two days. Not only is this a major holiday, but he has been invited to a party at his coworkers house, with everyone he works with. It's a stress producing recipe for disaster. He won't be able to handle all the boundaries that will be crossed by taking me to meet his coworkers for a second time.

I also know the feeling of him not owning up to us being in a relationship. Because we are just "friends" there is less pressure and no finality. Even our MC is amused by our relationship status. Friends with benefits that are not allowed to date other people.

We have other issues too. Again I'm not sure if it's some form of control or if he is seeing someone else? For the first 8 months of our relationship, I had the key to his house. After we had a bad break up, we gave the keys back. Now suddenly after a year, he doesn't want me to have a key anymore? He claims he needs his privacy, and that he is a private person. I have never tried to step foot into his house without his permission. He even comes out and admits that. It just doesn't make since. Yet in our relationship, we are closer than ever. I think I am giving up on trying to understand it.

[nomoremommyfood]

That's what did me in, too - the fact that he was so wishy-washy about being in a relationship, then would be so solid about it, then would wish-wash away. And I never took the "I'm done with you" threats seriously because he'd use them during every fight, until it because a very sudden reality.

In the end (well, hope it's not the end), I kind of regret being so committed to someone - but who would know that being utterly devoted to someone would be a downfall? They really break apart every part of the social barrier and any law of decency doesn't apply to them.

We have other issues too. Again I'm not sure if it's some form of control or if he is seeing someone else? For the first 8 months of our relationship, I had the key to his house. After we had a bad break up, we gave the keys back. Now suddenly after a year, he doesn't want me to have a key anymore? He claims he needs his privacy, and that he is a private person. I have never tried to step foot into his house without his permission. He even comes out and admits that. It just doesn't make since. Yet in our relationship, we are closer than ever. I think I am giving up on trying to understand it.

I had the same issues for a while! Well, more along the lines of hiding passwords and refusing to "officially" accept a key to my apartment (which only meant I had to crawl out of bed whenever he showed up to physically let him up 4 flights of stairs). Again, I think it's an issue of physical reminders of "commitment" and less about another person (though I can't say for a fact; I don't think mine ever cheated on me). For example, thinks like exchanging keys or publicly announcing a relationship solidify something, in a way. Once it's solidified, it adds another layer of difficulty should they want to brush off and escape when things get rough/they get dysregulated/they worry about being hurt, depending on the individual.

It's really double-baffling because you hear so much about pwBPD being "afraid of abandonment", yet see how easy it is for them to abandon others. Not just in a "get out before you get hurt" manner, but in a "I guess I'm done, now" sort of way. I certainly don't mean to scare you; my situation is pretty extreme and with a low-functioning pwBPD with multiple other disorders - the fact that he's willing to go to MC is a huge step in and of itself and I think shows at least some investment, which is definitely a step in the right direction!

[Lovingme35]

Again, I think it's an issue of physical reminders of "commitment" and less about another person (though I can't say for a fact; I don't think mine ever cheated on me). For example, thinks like exchanging keys or publicly announcing a relationship solidify something, in a way. Once it's solidified, it adds another layer of difficulty should they want to brush off and escape when things get rough/they get dysregulated/they worry about being hurt, depending on the individual.

I think you are right. He is just so stubborn about it. Forcing me to get up and leave with him at 6am, because he has no way to lock the apartment without giving me a key. It's just so weird to me how emotionally we are closer than we have ever been. He now calls me several times a day to talk, when before we only used to text, but at the same time he is now physically distancing me away from him. It's part of the push/pull cycle.

[ptilda]

I'm super interested in this thread. New here to the forums and I could cry that I didn't know all this months ago. My husband is undiagnosed BPD. He is also a "private" person but only when it comes to what I say. He has no rules. He talk to everyone about very personal things with me.

Anyhow, Facebook. Our first fight when I saw the demon in his eyes. Scared the crap out of me. I was in Haiti (my first trip and where he is from) talking to my mom about the trip and mentioned that he and the lady I was staying with were disagreeing about money for my stay. Went into the bathroom and came back and he had flipped to this other person.

Rants about how he hates for me to talk about his "stuff" and the reality that most of his family never knew about his first wife and infant who were killed in the 2010 earthquake (he and she were living separately at the time).

I get blocked whenever he feels it will give him leverage, but last time it lasted less than 2 hours. I didn’t say anything. He just unblocked me. But he un-friended me weeks ago and I sent 2 requests to see that he'd do and he denied both. No big deal.

But now he's moved his stuff out. He hasn't stayed here for 3 weeks and tells me and everyone else that it's because I brought him here (to the US) to make him my slave and I order him to work for me and when he doesn't I pinchpunch him. It's a story that's grown from me deserving to be beat (by him) because I hit him in self defense (yeah, even he started to see the logic of that one was flawed). So now despite police seeing visible injuries and my being bruised for almost 3 weeks and an eye witness, and him having admitted to multiple people including a therapist that he hit me, he swears he never touched me.

Argh. It never ends. But this site gives me hope. We'll see of I get served divorce papers... .He can't divorce me without getting deported, so I don't know how he's gonna work around that one. But I know that really pisses him off knowing that.

[UserName69]

My exBPD used to delete me too when we broke up. One time she asked me if people would notice that she has became my friend for 4 times in a row. At one point she used to like everything I posted. She even liked posts I posted a couple years ago. Later she didn't like anything I posted. I really didn't care about all this FB crap. She did try to use it against me, when we broke up she claimed to be so happy. She was even flirting with guys just to hurt me. At this time I was talking to an another girl I met once during a BU. Long story short; she became my gf and the rs between me and my exBPD is over.

It's social media, people can write anything and most of them only lie about the truth.

[Lovingme35]

Update :'(

As predicted the week did not go smoothly. Last Wednesday after discussing his coworkers upcoming fourth of July party that he was stressed about, he decided to break up with me. Reasoning that he didn't want to hurt me anymore. I talked him into getting through the weekend and then re-disscussing the issue, he agreed. Weekend went very well but he surprised me last night and broke it off anyway. I am a mess. The ironic part is that he started liking some of my older posts on Facebook this weekend before doing so. Going to post a new thread about the breakup once I have had a chance to think about it clearly.

[Daniell85]

I am really sorry