I feel sorry for the people who come her and still try to get their exBPD back

[Depression = 72% of members]

Me and my exBPD broke up for 14 times in 6 months. Which is just too much, I didn't knew about BPD so I really thought it was my fault. You see the best thing to do is to leave them alone and accept the fact their just impossible to have a healthy rs with. Soon or late you'll get dumped for an another one, I bet my exBPD has slept already with a couple guys and I don't care about it. If she wants to be a sl*ut she can be, no one is stopping her from being one.

Whenever we got back to each other she was even worse, whenever I got too close she took her distance. It drove me crazy. i didn't understand what was going on and I was in a very stressed and confused situation.

1. Deleting everything. Texts, emails, pictures.

2. No contact. Blocking phone numbers, blocking email addresses, every possible way to contact me.

3. Acceptance that the "relationship" was truly over. No fairy tale ending. Cutting the cord and dealing with the true pain that it is truly over and never to be revisited. Letting myself feel the pain. Crying about it. Talking about it.

4. Educating myself about the disorder and it's effects on the parties involved. Knowledge is power.

Great points! You need to get rid of everything that reminds you of her, block her from everywhere, accept the rs was plain BS and you need to move on. And you need to remind yourself all the damage she caused, all the bad things she did, all those times when she toyed with your feelings and used you like a toy. If you remember these things you'll never miss her. In my situation it only made me hate her a lot, and I still do. I have a new girlfriend now and she doesn't show any BPD symptoms. When I told her about my exBPD she told me that she's possibly a pwBPD. This is how I knew about BPD.

I won't forgive my exBPD because she's just evil and the most disgusting and horrible person I ever met in my entire life. I don't love her nor will ever love her again, I don't respect her and I'll never ever respect her anymore. I hate her a lot and I don't think the hate will ever go, I know hate poisons the soul and corrupts the heart but it's the only thing I feel for her.

I feel sorry for the people who come her and still try to get their exBPD back or the people who'll sacrifice everything for their exBPD. I know they're hurt and they're wasting their time for someone who just uses them and doesn't give a dime about them. I have post it a couple times on this board and the best thing to do is to move on and forget your exBPD. You deserve a better partner.

[UserName69]

Me and my exBPD broke up for 14 times in 6 months. Which is just too much, I didn't knew about BPD so I really thought it was my fault. You see the best thing to do is to leave them alone and accept the fact their just impossible to have a healthy rs with. Soon or late you'll get dumped for an another one, I bet my exBPD has slept already with a couple guys and I don't care about it. If she wants to be a sl*ut she can be, no one is stopping her from being one.

Whenever we got back to each other she was even worse, whenever I got too close she took her distance. It drove me crazy. i didn't understand what was going on and I was in a very stressed and confused situation.

1. Deleting everything. Texts, emails, pictures.

2. No contact. Blocking phone numbers, blocking email addresses, every possible way to contact me.

3. Acceptance that the "relationship" was truly over. No fairy tale ending. Cutting the cord and dealing with the true pain that it is truly over and never to be revisited. Letting myself feel the pain. Crying about it. Talking about it.

4. Educating myself about the disorder and it's effects on the parties involved. Knowledge is power.

Great points! You need to get rid of everything that reminds you of her, block her from everywhere, accept the rs was plain BS and you need to move on. And you need to remind yourself all the damage she caused, all the bad things she did, all those times when she toyed with your feelings and used you like a toy. If you remember these things you'll never miss her. In my situation it only made me hate her a lot, and I still do. I have a new girlfriend now and she doesn't show any BPD symptoms. When I told her about my exBPD she told me that she's possibly a pwBPD. This is how I knew about BPD.

I won't forgive my exBPD because she's just evil and the most disgusting and horrible person I ever met in my entire life. I don't love her nor will ever love her again, I don't respect her and I'll never ever respect her anymore. I hate her a lot and I don't think the hate will ever go, I know hate poisons the soul and corrupts the heart but it's the only thing I feel for her.

I feel sorry for the people who come her and still try to get their exBPD back or the people who'll sacrifice everything for their exBPD. I know they're hurt and they're wasting their time for someone who just uses them and doesn't give a dime about them. I have post it a couple times on this board and the best thing to do is to move on and forget your exBPD. You deserve a better partner.

[Pretty Woman]

This is very similar to my story. Omg she broke up with me pretty much every two months after the first two months.  She didn't start replacing me until a little later in the game but it was ridiculous. Now she's left me for someone who knew we were dating and expressed interest in her.

My feelings: karma

And thank you! Now she has a new toy to destroy while I try to repair myself.

Your post resonated with me however I personally think it's good to keep emails... .like the email where she threatened a restraining order... .said I was harassing her. Stuff like that. To me, those are reminders how absolutely ridiculous and childish she is.

Those actually help me in this healing process. 

[Mike-X]

I am sorry that you are struggling with the breakup with you ex-gf wBPD. I have read through a lot of your story/posts, and I understand that you went through a lot. There were the breakups over the short 6 month relationship and her disclosures early on about cutting and other aspects of the disorder. I also saw that you have said several times that you blamed yourself for the breakups and turmoil throughout much of the relationship, until you found out about BPD. That is a lot, even for professionals trained to deal with BPD, to take on, so I imagine that you have dealt with and are dealing with a lot of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt, correct?

Can you help me to understand some of the issues that appear in your post?

I won't forgive my exBPD because she's just evil and the most disgusting and horrible person I ever met in my entire life. I don't love her nor will ever love her again, I don't respect her and I'll never ever respect her anymore. I hate her a lot and I don't think the hate will ever go, I know hate poisons the soul and corrupts the heart but it's the only thing I feel for her.

Why so much hate for a person who has a serious mental disorder?

If you know that "hate poisons the soul and corrupts the heart", why not work toward understanding and forgiveness for you?

[UserName69]

If you know that "hate poisons the soul and corrupts the heart", why not work toward understanding and forgiveness for you?

Forgiveness is for the one who're sorry and show remorse. My exBPD didn't even care, and I know the things she did to her exBF so in my opinion she's very evil. Even if she's mental ill that's no excuse to toy with the feelings of other people who love her. No one is perfect forgiveness is a hard task to achieve. I forgave her 14 times within 6 months (14bu's within 6 months). And for what did I forgive her? You can't let people slap you anytime they want, at some point it's enough.

And I'm going to be very honest, the hate did made a lot of things much easier. It made me realize that I could get a better partner and she is no good. I realized that she's a horrible and impossible person to stay with. It made me to not miss her at all, in my case I believe the hate had a positive side. I don't try to fill my heart with the hate I feel for her, she's history now. I think there are different levels of hate, I wouldn't become ill just because of the hate I feel for her. Instead I try to become a better person than she ever will be. It's not I want to hurt or harm her, I stopped caring about her all there left is the hate and other negative feelings I feel for her.

Why so much hate for a person who has a serious mental disorder?

Sorry but that's like loving Hitler, yeah I know he did a couple good things in life (he was a vegetarian, limited the hunting seasons) but still that doesn't cover up for all the millions souls he took away by starting a world war. At the end he's a pyscho monster. I really can't go and kill someone I dislike and tell the judge that I suffer mental illness.

She knew of her disorder but always kept it a secret. At one point she even blamed me for being a pwBPD. In the beginning she really pretended like it was always my fault when we had a fight, I was stupid enough to believe her so I took the blame on me. She always toyed with my feelings and she was aware of it, she even told me "yeah I know it's a weird thing". No sorry or whatsoever. Even when she dumped me she still wanted to be a friend. I made this mistake once with her and before I knew it she wanted me back.

Later when I discovered about BPD, I found this forum and I did read a lot of stories her and it seemed like it wasn't my fault I didn't feel guilty anymore instead I felt betrayed and a lot of hate and other negative feelings for her. She was the one who caused all this, she did manipulate me which only started the hate phase. The other part that made me upset is I care a lot about friendship and relationships, to me a bond between friends is really sacred. She knew I really believed this still she disrespected my believes and our relationship/friendship. Of course she wouldn't understand this whole friendship thing I believed in because she never had any friends at all.

There are a couple type of persons I just cant stand: liars, people who break promises and backstabbers. She was all of the three. If a person lies to someone he/she loves this person will always lie to you, once a liar always a liar. People who break their promises don't care about the word they give you when they promise you, they only care about themselves, backstabbers are the same they use you as a toy and once they get what they want they'll get rid of you. A friend of mine told me the heart of a liar is filled with so many lies, there will be no space left for the truth. That's how I would describe her heart.

I know she's going to look for an another victim and hurt him, even if he breaks up with her she's going to blame him like she blamed me. And that's how she's going to be for the rest of her life.

That's the reason why I really feel sorry for victims of pwBPD, they blame a lot of things on themselves while it isn't their fault. Your exBPD is gone even if you get back to him/her she'll be even worse and before you know it your pwBPD will hurt you even more. Best thing to do is to move on and forget completely about your exBPD. I believe that everybody on this board deserves a better person and their exBPD doesn't deserve them and I know for sure they can get a better person to have a rs with.

[Mutt]

Hi UserName69,

I understand how uncomfortable guilt feels. What is the root of these guilty feelings?

[Mike-X]

Thanks for the honesty in your responses. Do you have any insight into the possible causes of her disorder?

[UserName69]

Hi UserName69,

I understand how uncomfortable guilt feels. What is the root of these guilty feelings?

I believed that I damaged the friendship between me and her. As I said before friendship means a lot to me. When I found out that she was manipulating me the hate kicked in and the guilt was gone, she knew how I thought about friendship and relationships still she used my believes to manipulate me.

It's like when you trust someone a lot, and the person will take something valuable from you. You'll be angry and disappointed because you never expected this person to do this on you, it's a matter of love, trust and loyalty.

BTW:

This topic was a response on this topic:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=279570.0

I clicked a wrong button.

[UserName69]

Thanks for the honesty in your responses. Do you have any insight into the possible causes of her disorder?

She never wanted to talk about it which was very weird to me. I told her once what gives I even saw you butt naked so why should you even be ashamed for telling me anuthing? She was using meds, I never knew what kind of meds. She was seeing a shrink she told me that she attacked her and she's evil. She really believed that everybody was against her, she made up a whole theory.

Whenever I told her that she acted weird she became very upset and told me that she doesn't want to talk about it. She is an alcohol abuser and a chain smoker. As soon as she woke up she grabbed a cigarette and opened a can of beer. Whenever I told her she shouldn't drink and smoke so much she became furious.

She told me that she had a bad time in her early teens. Her parents got divorced, I never asked her why. She told me that her mother didn't care about her and that's why she became like this. She loved her father a lot and she talked a lot about him. Once she told me if I went to my father and stayed with him I wouldn't be in this position. One time she was emotional and she told me that this was the fault of her mother, she told me what else can you expect from a hippy. She really gave me the impression that her mother didn't care about her while her father did.

I knew she used to lie a lot so at some point I didn't knew what to believe. Who knows if this was true, that's the problem when people lie to you at some moment you can't trust them.

[Mike-X]

She never wanted to talk about it which was very weird to me. I told her once what gives I even saw you butt naked so why should you even be ashamed for telling me anuthing? She was using meds, I never knew what kind of meds. She was seeing a shrink she told me that she attacked her and she's evil. She really believed that everybody was against her, she made up a whole theory.

Whenever I told her that she acted weird she became very upset and told me that she doesn't want to talk about it. She is an alcohol abuser and a chain smoker. As soon as she woke up she grabbed a cigarette and opened a can of beer. Whenever I told her she shouldn't drink and smoke so much she became furious.

She told me that she had a bad time in her early teens. Her parents got divorced, I never asked her why. She told me that her mother didn't care about her and that's why she became like this. She loved her father a lot and she talked a lot about him. Once she told me if I went to my father and stayed with him I wouldn't be in this position. One time she was emotional and she told me that this was the fault of her mother, she told me what else can you expect from a hippy. She really gave me the impression that her mother didn't care about her while her father did.

I knew she used to lie a lot so at some point I didn't knew what to believe. Who knows if this was true, that's the problem when people lie to you at some moment you can't trust them.

I see. Thanks again for the replies. I definitely understand the difficulties discerning what was and wasn't true, and I can imagine that her alcoholism, in addition to the cutting and other behaviors, was very hard to deal with.

It sounds like she had possible paranoid ideations, at least about the psychiatrist. Anything regarding you or others?

Also, it sounds like she might have had issues with shame and guilt regarding her family of origin and her mental health issues.  Do you have any insight on her general sense of self-worth? Also, did she have contact with her dad while you were with her?

I understand issues with discerning truth, but can you share your understanding of the general causes of Borderline Personality Disorder and possibly how that fits with what she has shared about her background?

[UserName69]

Her father passed away when she was 19. Mine did too so I never asked her questions about her parents I thought maybe it would be a sensitive topic for her. From what she told me she had a great time with him when she stayed at his place.

She had a lot of paranoid idealizations. People who stalk her, people who want to get rid of her, she didn't even register her cat she came up with such an crazy theory, she never wanted to people to know about her cat because they would harm the cat, once I mentioned her cat in a SMS she told me that I shouldn't do it because "they" are intercepting every SMS she receives and sends, she even changed her name because some "people" would kill her if they found out were she lived, on Facebook she used an another fake name.

She even refused a job because her exBF worked there while she's in a debt program (150k). If they would find out she refused the job they're not going to help her and she's going to lose everything she has.

She pretends like she knows everything but she used to tell me that she's nothing worth, no one loves her etc.

I understand issues with discerning truth, but can you share your understanding of the general causes of Borderline Personality Disorder and possibly how that fits with what she has shared about her background?

I don't know it's a good question. Maybe lets say she had a bad past, it could be the trigger of BPD, who knows. She is aware of her problems instead of working on them she simply blames the entire world.

[Invictus01]

You are right, sometimes it is rather difficult to understand how people would stick around for years and years, sometimes decades and be treated like no human being is deserved to be treated. However, I promise you, by the time you went to your ex for the 3rd, 4th... .14th time in a span of 6 months, there were a whole lot of people in your circle who were thinking - "What the hell is wrong with that guy, doesn't he see what's going on?" We all get there. Some quicker than others, some have difference circumstances that require to stay. But I would say about 95% of people eventually leave because no one deserves to be treated like that.

[Mike-X]

Her father passed away when she was 19. Mine did too so I never asked her questions about her parents I thought maybe it would be a sensitive topic for her. From what she told me she had a great time with him when she stayed at his place.

I can understand not wanting to bring it up, and your bringing up his passing and her feelings about him might have triggered dysregulation. I am very sorry about your father passing away. How have you dealt with that?

She had a lot of paranoid idealizations. People who stalk her, people who want to get rid of her, she didn't even register her cat she came up with such an crazy theory, she never wanted to people to know about her cat because they would harm the cat, once I mentioned her cat in a SMS she told me that I shouldn't do it because "they" are intercepting every SMS she receives and sends, she even changed her name because some "people" would kill her if they found out were she lived, on Facebook she used an another fake name.

She even refused a job because her exBF worked there while she's in a debt program (150k). If they would find out she refused the job they're not going to help her and she's going to lose everything she has.

What were your thoughts when she shared these paranoid thoughts?

She pretends like she knows everything but she used to tell me that she's nothing worth, no one loves her etc.

My ex felt worthless inside. Of course, that is a core issue with BPD. It was one of the most difficult things for me to deal with. I felt so bad for her, that someone had damaged this beautiful woman to the point where she just felt worthless and had felt worthless most of her life.

What do you think about people displaying narcissistic behaviors, including pretending to know everything, as attempts to mask low self-esteem?

Do you understand how so many of the outwardly expressed symptoms of BPD are tied to low self-esteem?

I understand issues with discerning truth, but can you share your understanding of the general causes of Borderline Personality Disorder and possibly how that fits with what she has shared about her background?

I don't know it's a good question. Maybe lets say she had a bad past, it could be the trigger of BPD, who knows. She is aware of her problems instead of working on them she simply blames the entire world.

Judging from  your past posts, you seem to have studied quite a bit about BPD (much like the rest of us who have been in these relationships). It might be a matter of just sitting down and putting all of the pieces together to understand the typical etiology of BPD and see how she might have had the right inherited background and been exposed to the right environmental factors to lead to the development of what sounds like a pretty serious mental disorder with comorbid substance abuse issues.

I understand that it is difficult to deal with someone having knowledge of their problems and not being willing to try to fix those problems. However, we are probably all guilty of this at some level, particularly when it comes to dealing with psychological pain. Also, anosognosia - lack of awareness, minimization, abnegation - occurs with many mental illnesses, including BPD.

[UserName69]

You are right, sometimes it is rather difficult to understand how people would stick around for years and years, sometimes decades and be treated like no human being is deserved to be treated. However, I promise you, by the time you went to your ex for the 3rd, 4th... .14th time in a span of 6 months, there were a whole lot of people in your circle who were thinking - "What the hell is wrong with that guy, doesn't he see what's going on?" We all get there. Some quicker than others, some have difference circumstances that require to stay. But I would say about 95% of people eventually leave because no one deserves to be treated like that.

And that's the part I can't believe. She drove me crazy within those 6 months, I can't imagine how I would/could stay with her for longer? I think the main reason why I stayed with her was because I didn't knew about BPD. If I knew I wouldn't have kept my distance.

Her ex BF stayed with her for 9 months before he left her. Still, she never made it clear who left who. I think at some point he had enough and decided to ignore her etc. She saw this as a chance to play the victim. Sometimes she said he left her while later she claimed she dumped him just to be with me, she even showed him all my FB posts. Yet she expected her exBF to stay with her 

I can understand not wanting to bring it up, and your bringing up his passing and her feelings about him might have triggered dysregulation. I am very sorry about your father passing away. How have you dealt with that?

In the beginning it was very difficult but at some point you're just going to accept it you have no choice. But his death made me realize how important friends/friendship/relationships/family are. From that moment I started to care a lot about these things.

What were your thoughts when she shared these paranoid thoughts?

I was surprised she wasn't wearing a tin foil hat. I really thought she was just making things up for fun but later when I saw she was serious about it I thought she was a little bit crazy.

What do you think about people displaying narcissistic behaviors, including pretending to know everything, as attempts to mask low self-esteem?

From their view they seem to be a great person but they don't realize they're embarrassing themselves. Personally I find these kind of people very annoying.

I think FB is a playground for these people. I see a lot of people who'll post everything they did just to get confirmation from their friends. It's very annoying because I know them in real life and to be honest they're not so great as they claim on FB.

A good example is a friend of mine. He always posts photo's of himself and his girlfriend, uploads selfies almost everyday. But the truth is I get the impression he's embarrassed about his girlfriend. He never introduced her to any of his friends. Once he decided to grow a beard, a girl made a negative comment about it before I knew it she shaved it off. When I asked him why? He said well because that girl (who isn't even a friend), didn't like it. One day he decided to dye his hair, some people made funny comments within a couple hours he dyed the original color. Whenever he buys new clothes he's going to make a photo and upload it on FB. How sick is that? He only wears clothes other people like. He goes to the gym because some of his friend went, and guess what? Three updates: "Today I'm going to the gym", "I'm in the gym now", "Today I went to the gym".

When I started with traditional asian martial arts I used to train 6 days a week and I never felt I had to brag about it yet post it every day on FB, I train for myself not for my friends.

An another girl I know: same story. Always posts photo's of herself in bikini's, party pics etc. She gets so many attention from guys, but they know she's really insecure so they try to take advantage of her. Always begs for attention and act like she's always the victim. And all the things guys post on her posts, unbelievable I can't believe she accepts those perverts on her FB. Have at least a little bit of self respect. I know she has so many problems in her life and she really isn't happy. One day she started a private chat with me on FB. I ignored her, later she said sorry that was for an another guy. Yeah right :P

An another girl recently broke up with her bf. The only things she used to post are photo's of her cats. After the break up she spams her FB with photo's of herself and liking stupid nonsense quotes. She even went to a photographer for a paid photo session. I know she's trying to make her exBF jealous because they're still friends on FB. If you don't like someone on FB block them and stop wasting time on something useless.

Do you think these people have BPD?

Judging from  your past posts, you seem to have studied quite a bit about BPD (much like the rest of us who have been in these relationships). It might be a matter of just sitting down and putting all of the pieces together to understand the typical etiology of BPD and see how she might have had the right inherited background and been exposed to the right environmental factors to lead to the development of what sounds like a pretty serious mental disorder with comorbid substance abuse issuees.

I know she is ill and she knows it too, but she didn't want to accept any help. Her psychiatrist was evil and against her. Like I wrote before she believed that some kind of group was after her and wanted to harm her.

I think she was traumatized, whenever I placed my hand around her neck/throat she became very emotional she started to shake and cry. She never wanted to talk about it so I was very confused. She told me it's not your fault I know what it is.