Post-Birthday Chaos - BPDsis wrecked her car

[Meadowslark]

So a few days ago, I made a thread asking for advice on how to keep myself occupied during my sister's birthday. Her birthday was yesterday, 8/13. This would have been the first birthday where I have not seen her, bought anything for her, or even spoken to her. Usually I would go all-out with thoughtful gifts and handmade cards (co-dependency and enmeshment, I know now.) She's now 25.

I got a text from Mom this morning - BPDsis texted her earlier and said she wrecked her car. It's already sustained some damage when she backed into a pole shortly after getting a new job on the East Coast. This time, she crashed head-first into a pole (or so she says). She's fine, and the story changed from "it's totaled" to later, "it's damaged, but still drives."

Mom told me that BPDsis is not normal (when I said, "I'm sorry she didn't give you a call to tell you." and this is a very healthy observation for mom to have. She's very right.

She also sprinkled these texts with pleas for money.     They weren't overt, but Mom says she recognized the attempts at manipulation based on how things were worded. Mom expressed that she was happy BPDsis was alright, but did not send any money. I do wonder if her crashing the car was purposeful, as a way to absolve herself (by playing victim) of the responsibility that comes with being on the hook for an apartment lease, and having to go back to college.

8 months ago, I would have been very upset about this, wondering if my sister was alright and how I could help (likely giving her a lot of money). Now that I'm detached, I can see that BPDsis was probably triggered by something (or multiple things - her birthday, she mentioned to Mom about getting an apartment with someone, school may or may not be starting as well). I don't know if NPDdad did anything or sent anything to her, and I certainly did not break NC.

I guess the point of this post is to show how perceptions can change with time and healthy distance. Mom and I aren't triggered from my sister's crazy-making anymore. 

[Leaving]

Gosh, Wow!  I am speechless because my passive-aggressive BPD DOES wreck our vehicles on purpose.  Well, let me rephrase that a bit.  On purpose?  Of course it's always an accident, right?  But, how is it that over the past 20 years I've been able to predict when he would do such a thing?  

The first accident he had was on my birthday the first year we were married and he totaled my car that I had JUST paid off.  At that time I thought it was just an accident but in hindsight after all his other accidents that correspond with him feeling obligated to do something nice for me or when he is angry or jealous that I'm having a special day or event or when he simply wants to retaliate because I asked him to do something/anything at all.  He was angry that it was MY birthday and he hated feeling obligated to do anything for me or buy me a present.

Another example of him destroying things or losing money is when he wants something.  Every year about two months before his mobile phone contract expires, he begins whining that he wants a new phone.  He knows darn well, I'm not about to break a contract that is about to expire even though he wants the phone.  SO, for the past ten years or more, he makes sure that he either loses his phone, accidentally runs over it in the driveway or accidentally throws it in the trash ( I found it in there one year).  

Last fall, during a therapy session, I told my counselor that I was terrified that my husband was going to do something really awful because I was leaving and he wanted new equipment for our business.  He kept telling me all along while I was packing that he would do anything for me, help me move and even work extra hours to help pay for my expenses and new home.  In my mind, I knew he was lying and would split and become Hyde at any moment because he was repressing his true feelings/anger.   I told my counselor I was afraid he would total his truck and all our equipment.  The following week at my session she asked how I was doing and I told her that my husband had totaled ALL of our equipment but not his truck. You should have seen her face!  She told me to get out ASAP.  Gee, how ingenious of him to pull out into oncoming traffic just far enough that our trailer and equipment got destroyed but not his truck.  This wasn't an accident but you see, when he splits, he literally becomes a different man and his good side is not even aware or connected to the bad man.  So, I can't tell you if it's deliberate, intentional, malicious, or even subconscious.  I really don't understand how his mind works.  All I know is that I live in constant fear of him splitting and committing some horrible and costly 'accident'.  Hence, I walk on eggshells all the time.

I learned just this past year that my husband had a history of totaling vehicles while living at home.  How many?  5 total and each time his parents bought him a used car or truck to replace the one he wrecked.  I also found out that he attended AA meetings after losing his license for having so many wrecks. I never knew that about him.  I would bet my life that the reason he crashed those vehicles was because he resented his father for something he said or did and since his father paid for vehicle to begin with, he would crash it to punish him AND force him to buy another one.  My mother did the same thing regarding money that her mother would give her.  She would waste it, lose it.  I suppose they get some perverse satisfaction out of covertly controlling people through their underhanded tactics.

OH and one more thing... .my car lease is about to expire and guess what?  He borrowed my car last month and ' accidentally' hit a deer and that cost me 5,000 in damage.  I knew he hadn't even tried to miss the deer. There were no brake marks nothing.  He can't stand for me to have any money ( security) or anything of my own.  In one of his rages it came out that he was angry that it was MY car in MY name and that it did nothing for his credit.  Oh... .hmmm I see now.  As a result of the other accident in the fall, my insurance went up an extra 100 dollars a month, now with this accident, I won't be able to afford it- certainly NOT be able to save a dime for myself to be able to leave here.  He knows exactly what he's doing and like my counselor said, ' He's not stupid, don't ever under estimate him'. 

[Turkish]

While its understandable to be worried when a family member may be hurt, it sounds like she wasn't, and who knows what the real damage was in reality (facts, not feelings). Her story changed.

Its great that not only you, but also your mom saw through this without enabling. By not enabling, she could be forced to grow and take responsibility for her life. I've been walking this line with my mom for coming up on two years now.