Dealing with negativity and resistance

[Gerri]

I have known my 20 y/o daughter has BPD for years.  She has been very resistant to therapy until 1 year ago. She had moved out and initiated therapy on her own. She is now living with us again.  She recently told me she has BPD.  She was very motivated to attend therapy and DBT group.  This has changed and now she is expressing resentment toward  therapy.  She is on probation and it is a requirement she attend therapy sessions. She  is very anxious and irritable.  She is picking her face until it bleeds.  I was so hopeful and now it seems she has regressed.  It is sad to see her so miserable.  I am frustrated because she is so negative re any support or suggestions.  I have read Family Connections and find it very helpful.  Any other thoughts?  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MammaMia]

Gerri

Your dd's behavior is not unusual.  It is very difficult to keep pwBPD in treatment, even with a court order.  They often attempt to follow the rules and then just give up.  This happens when things are improving or if they become discouraged that everything is "taking too long" or not helping. 

If she chooses not to follow court orders, she is making the decision to go to jail. It is her decision but you can remind her of the consequences.  It may or may not make a difference.

You mentioned that she is picking her face until it bleeds.  Are her legal troubles related to drugs?  That is often a sign of relapse, especially with meth.

Hang in there.  Your dd is an adult (even though she has a mental disorder), and she needs to be given the opportunity to be responsible for her actions.  We can relate to what you are going through with all of its frustrations and fears.  You are not alone in this battle ... .we are here to help and support you.

Please keep us posted and take care of Gerri.  This is as important as caring for your dd when dealing wBPD. 

[livednlearned]

Hi Gerri,

I wanted to join MammaMia in welcoming you to the site. What a positive sign that your D was willing to try therapy, and that she shared the diagnosis with you. Those are two big deals, even if there is now a setback, it says a lot about her and your relationship, both positive. I know how hopeful we become when our kids seek help. And how difficult it is when they sabotage themselves. The seed is there, though. That is better than having total denial, and no trust.

And I'm so glad to hear you found Family Connections helpful. Did you attend a face-to-face group or was it the lessons here on the site? If and when you feel ready, would you be willing to share anything that was particularly helpful? For me, the wisemind skills have been the most helpful, although I find it to be a moment-to-moment challenge to stay centered. I can stay in wisemind for a lot except when it comes to my child. And then it's practice, practice, practice.

Even though your D is 20, I'm wondering if you might find Blaise Aguirre's book on BPD and adolescence to be helpful (especially the 2nd edition)? It changed how I thought about self-harming, and for some reason it also allowed me to feel both compassion and detachment. Perhaps because it helped explain BPD emotional limitations and what is going on. Like MammaMia said, people with BPD can give up when things are improving. I really didn't understand that. My son almost does worse when things start to get better. If something is good, then that means it can be taken away.

Is it possible that your D was afraid of things getting better?

[lbjnltx]

I have known my 20 y/o daughter has BPD for years.  She has been very resistant to therapy until 1 year ago. She had moved out and initiated therapy on her own. She is now living with us again.  She recently told me she has BPD.  She was very motivated to attend therapy and DBT group.  This has changed and now she is expressing resentment toward  therapy.  She is on probation and it is a requirement she attend therapy sessions. She  is very anxious and irritable.  She is picking her face until it bleeds.  I was so hopeful and now it seems she has regressed.  It is sad to see her so miserable.  I am frustrated because she is so negative re any support or suggestions.  I have read Family Connections and find it very helpful.  Any other thoughts?  

Hi Gerri,

Welcome to the site and the Parent's Board.

The negativity is a reflection of her own belief system.  As we make suggestions we get shot down repeatedly until we give up... .that's what our kids want.

Rather than make suggestions, validate and ask validating questions.  Here some information on that:

The power of validating questions

lbj

[Gerri]

Thanks for the support and suggestions.  I purchased "I Don't Have to Make it All Better" and found it helpful in dealing with my BPD daughter and in other relationships.  I was validating my daughter during one of her HUGE emotional outbursts and she said "I know what you're doing.  I've taken pysch classes!'  I am not proud of my response but I said "Well, what the F**** do you want me to do?"  For some reason she calmed right down!  Thanks again for this message board.  I don't feel so alone any more.

[MammaMia]

Gerri

Don't you just love it when they are at a loss for words.  Does not happen often enough.

[livednlearned]

Thanks for the support and suggestions.  I purchased "I Don't Have to Make it All Better" and found it helpful in dealing with my BPD daughter and in other relationships.  I was validating my daughter during one of her HUGE emotional outbursts and she said "I know what you're doing.  I've taken pysch classes!'  I am not proud of my response but I said "Well, what the F**** do you want me to do?"  For some reason she calmed right down!  Thanks again for this message board.  I don't feel so alone any more.

Your daughter is smart 

When my son hurt himself physically, it didn't matter what I said -- it was always wrong. "Are you ok?" would trigger him to get angry at me. So did asking him if I could help. So did every other possible response I could think of. I finally learned to say (with love  ), "How would you like me to respond right now?" With the solution now in his court, he had to think about it. And he realized he didn't know. We no longer have this particular problem. He seems to accept that when he is hurt, I am listening, I care, and I trust him to take care of himself, whatever that might be.

Your response, even with the F bomb  , was similar. "How would you like me to respond?" is itself a validating question.

Another skill that I learned from a different book is to frame questions in a way that acknowledges my son's internal emotional life. He is very emotionally sensitive, and has higher than average needs for validation, and is not skilled at communicating those feelings and needs.

"Are you going to do theater this year at school?"

is now

"I remember when you came home in a good mood after the theater director gave you that big part in last year's show. How do you feel about auditioning again this year?"

I try to sound cooler than that  or work it in with other things. It helps remind me that emotions are part of everything we do, and it shines light on them so that my son feels more connected to me and to himself, and hopefully helps him feel this way with others.