Have I become too detached?

[mimi99]

My 24 y/o daughter has gotten completely out of control (diagnosed BPD) She has been kicked out of 4 different places in the last 2 months. She tried to rent a room but cant pass a drug test. She went into a halfway house for 4 days and left when they searched her for drugs after she went to the ER. Unfortunately her dad can be manipulated into giving her money for a hotel, etc. I know I can't control his behavior, but I feel he is enabling her and feel so angry about the whole thing. After crying continuously for a month or so, I am now so detached that it is hard to feel anything but anger and disgust toward her. Is this emotional roller coaster normal? Am I too detached? I feel so resentful towards her. She made our lives miserable for the last 6 years and now has left us with the responsibility of raising her child. Don't get me wrong, I am happy to have this delightful little one in my life, but it is a huge responsibility. And she is just running around smoking pot and getting money whenever she needs it? And blaming me for all her problems. I just don't even know what to do anymore

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

So sorry mimi99   

Anger is almost always a secondary emotion mimi.

It is easier to feel anger and resentment (especially when it is justifiable) than fear and loss.  Facing our fears is difficult.  We learn to cope with our feelings here and will help you do that too.



lbj

[twojaybirds]

I found that my emotions ran the gamet for a while before I settled into what was right for me.

If being detached brings you peace that is ok.  That detachment may change over time.

Do what feels right for you android explore why it feels right. Keep your focus on you.

[lbjnltx]

Detaching is letting go of strong emotional connections for self preservation.  When our relationships have failed and we cannot repair them and need to let go detaching with love would be the goal.  Being angry, frustrated, having strong feelings of hopelessness are the opposite of detachment.  We are very much attached through our strong negative emotions.

[mimi99]

Thanks--it's so hard to see when you're caught up in the middle of it. I used to cry every day, now I feel anger and resentment. I guess it is all part of the grieving process.

[TopsyTurvy]

mimi

I am sorry that things are not going well with your daughter. I can definitely relate. A lot of your situation is very similar to my own. My daughter is 26, has problems with drugs and an enabling dad who makes the situation worse, and she has also left us with the responsibility of raising her child.

I know you love your grandchild but I also get what a huge responsibility it is to parent them when your own child can't.  How old is your grandchild and how long have you been raising them?

When I first posted on these boards, I was going through a very hard time. I was angry and resentful also. But, I believe lbj is exactly right when she said it is easier to feel anger than sadness. For a while I had to hold onto my anger to get me through just one more day. But, then I finally broke down when the sadness and grief and hurt washed over me. It was then that I realized that I was holding onto the anger because I was afraid to face my other emotions. I was afraid to be swept away by the grief, so I held onto my anger as a lifeline. Do you think this could be the case with you?

My advice would be much the same as I was given by others here. Focus on ways you can take care of yourself. Find little things that can bring you peace and feed your soul. And look into the practice of mindfulness. The ability to focus on the present really helped me when I was so distraught...

[mimi99]

mimi

I am sorry that things are not going well with your daughter. I can definitely relate. A lot of your situation is very similar to my own. My daughter is 26, has problems with drugs and an enabling dad who makes the situation worse, and she has also left us with the responsibility of raising her child.

I know you love your grandchild but I also get what a huge responsibility it is to parent them when your own child can't.  How old is your grandchild and how long have you been raising them?

When I first posted on these boards, I was going through a very hard time. I was angry and resentful also. But, I believe lbj is exactly right when she said it is easier to feel anger than sadness. For a while I had to hold onto my anger to get me through just one more day. But, then I finally broke down when the sadness and grief and hurt washed over me. It was then that I realized that I was holding onto the anger because I was afraid to face my other emotions. I was afraid to be swept away by the grief, so I held onto my anger as a lifeline. Do you think this could be the case with you?

My advice would be much the same as I was given by others here. Focus on ways you can take care of yourself. Find little things that can bring you peace and feed your soul. And look into the practice of mindfulness. The ability to focus on the present really helped me when I was so distraught...

Our granddaughter turned 5 today. She is a delightful happy child. We explain to her that mommy is sick and she can't be here with her until she gets better. She seems to take it in stride. I suppose eventually she will need some counseling to help her with this.

My anger and resentment seem to have replaced the overwhelming sadness I felt for weeks. I couldn't drive to work without sobbing all the way there. I guess it's all part of the grieving process. I hope to get to the point where I can try to be of help to her again without putting my own peace at risk.