Thank goodness for this site

[Cosi]

I am so glad I found this site.

My (younger) sister was diagnosed as chronic paranoid schizophrenic (said to be induced at the time from smoking marijuana) around 25 years ago and was consequently heavily medicated and in and out of Graylands (anyone else here from Western Australia?) and psychiatric units in WA for the next 20+ years until around two years ago while in Bunbury psych unit she was taken off all her meds and after some time (I am not sure of the exact time of new diagnosis) was told she is BPD.

Our father died four years ago this December and since then my sister has moved in and out of living with Mum at least four times.

She has been drinking more recently and is also reportedly driving after drinking.

I should note that I haven't spoken to her for some months, although I generally speak to my mother daily on the phone (I live around 1000km from her).

Tonight when I rang Mum she was in tears and she said that my sister had threatened to slap her.

I had said to my mother previously that I was concerned for her physical safety, however she said that my sister would never do anything to hurt her. I said even if it wasn't deliberate, in one of her rages she could knock my mother causing her to fall and she could hit her head or something, but Mum said I was worrying for nothing.

There aren't a lot of options as far as me, my brother and mother can see. I had suggested Mum write to the Minister for Mental Health and seek her opinion but I think Mum has been too overwhelmed recently to act on that idea.

My sister does see a psychiatrist monthly and is seeing an alcohol counsellor.

There is nothing anyone on this site can do, but it is just good to be able to get my story out as there might be someone who understands... .my friends have no idea, even those that try to listen don't understand BPD - and I must admit until I had to live with it I wouldn't have had any idea either.

As my brother said tonight, at least when she had the diagnosis of CPS, she was heavily medicated and not a danger to anyone including herself. Now she plays the victim really well (one of the reasons we aren't talking) and none of it is her fault and although I do give her credit for when she does try to seek counselling etc it never lasts.

In the past few months she has been taken to hospital at least four times that I know about following suicide attempts. And if she keeps drinking and driving she could kill someone else.

[Kwamina]

Hi Cosi and welcome to bpdfamily

I am sorry to hear that your sister is exhibiting problematic behavior. I can imagine that hearing your mother cry because your sister said she would slap her, was quite unpleasant for you. Especially considering you live so far away from them. Your mother before didn't seem too concerned for her safety, do you think she might have been in denial about your sister? Perhaps that will change now.

Your sister was diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago and you say she sees a psychiatrist every month and also sees an alcohol counselor. I am glad she's at least still getting some sort of professional help. Her behavior is quite concerning though, the drinking and driving, multiple suicide attempts and threats of physical violence are quite disturbing.

What kind of help is she getting from her psychiatrist? Is your sister getting specialized help for her suicidal ideation?

There are certain forms of therapy that have been proven to be effective for people with BPD, particularly Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). To be effective it is essential that the participant fully acknowledges his/her issues and fully commits to therapy. Do you feel like your sister acknowledges and understands her BPD diagnosis?

You mention her trying to seek counseling but it never lasts. What is the reason it never lasts?

Take care and I encourage you to keep on posting here. Many of our members know what it's like to have a BPD family-member and will be able to give you support and advice. I think you can also benefit greatly from reading the stories of other members and their personal trials and tribulations.

[Cosi]

Thanks for the welcome. It is fantastic to have people who understand. And also useful to read stories by others to see that our family is not the only one having these issues. Not that I want others to suffer, but it's a help to know I'm not alone.

I've still got heaps to learn about BPD, and I guess Mum has too, but I think she has been in a bit of denial, and I have also wondered about some degree of co-dependency. I have acknowledged to Mum though that I can't imagine what it's like for her, particularly as I don't have children.

Because I haven't spoken to my sister for some time, I prefer Mum not to talk about her except where her antics are affecting Mum. For that reason I don't know a lot of current detail such as what help her psych is giving. I do know (because my brother told me and swore me to secrecy) that on three occasions where she was taken to hospital by ambulance she was discharged twice the next morning and once discharged herself during the night. My brother had got involved twice because my sister rang him to say if he didn't go to her (late at night and at 2.5 hour drive away) she was going to kill herself, so he called the ambulance. Given my limited knowledge, I don't think she is getting help for her suicidal ideation.

My Mum and brother have said she wouldn't actually do it, it's a cry for help, but what if she takes too many pills or has drunk too much that day to phone the ambulance and does die?

Can't write anymore at the moment.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Cosi

My brother had got involved twice because my sister rang him to say if he didn't go to her (late at night and at 2.5 hour drive away) she was going to kill herself, so he called the ambulance. Given my limited knowledge, I don't think she is getting help for her suicidal ideation.

My Mum and brother have said she wouldn't actually do it, it's a cry for help, but what if she takes too many pills or has drunk too much that day to phone the ambulance and does die?

Based on what you say here and in your first post, it seems your sister uses things such as fear and guilt to get people to do what she wants them to do. Would you say this is an accurate assessment?

We have an article here about fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) that I think you might find interesting, here's a short excerpt:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

You can read the entire article here: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

Can't write anymore at the moment.

That's ok, write some more when you can. Take care

[Cosi]

Thanks for the advice about "FOG", I will read the article. I think she certainly uses that on my mother and brother, and possibly part of the reason we no longer communicate as I stopped playing that game eg I refused to loan her anymore money as it was never paid back. She is particularly adept at playing the obligation and guilt cards "oh well it's alright for you, you have a husband and job and you have no idea what it's like for me and I am the one looking after Mum etc etc"

I think Mum has been feeling guilty ever since the initial diagnosis of CPS, and yes again since my Dad died.

This site gives so much more than I can express, even if just getting me thinking about things - not all of which are pleasant, but I guess need to be faced.

Thank you