introduction/therapist and no contact dilemma

[nerdess]

Wow. I have been living with a dual diagnoses BPD and Bipolar mother my whole life. My parents divorced when i was really young and she blamed my dad with "parental alienation" and despite his continual efforts for full custody we got to see less and less of him. Now I am an adult and have gone no contact with her for the past 5 months. This is the longest I have gone and it is liberating, but I am also terrified of the breakdown to follow. She leaves voice mails on my phone frequently that vary from waif/victim, my savior, or delusional manic garble. It has taken getting away from her to realize how severe the abuse was. I normalized it in my youth and did not realize that my "crazy mother" was actually abusive, until she got arrested for matters involving my safety (another story for another day) around age 17. Throughout my childhood and even after the arrest family members and even formal community supports like teachers, the school nurse, ect. pointed fingers at me when I attempted to go NC for being a bad daughter, and continually would say things to me like "you only have one mother." I existed believing there was something wrong with me, until recently in therapy I have begun to take back my life. I blame my mother for a lot. I blame her for my social anxiety, my low self-esteem, feelings of loss I experience regarding my childhood, and strained relationships with family members. I blame her for the way that I feel defective all the time- like I can never be normal as I am fundamentally damaged. And I go between this and feeling pity for her, and guilt for my anger towards her when her own experience must be very difficult and I can't even imagine what it feels like to be her. While the jury is still out on anger or sadness, I do know that while I can allow myself to blame her for the beginnings of these personal issues, now that I am out of her influence, aware of myself and FREE, going forward I am to blame for how I cope with these issues. It's a weird thing being brought up in a world of complete and total chaos, living with a severely mentally ill caregiver and no voice of reason can really f*** a person up. But I am moving on and I am so happy to have the validation of all of your stories and to see that I am not alone, I am not responsible for her happiness (plus is impossible for me to give her happiness) and that I am not the "crazy" one as I was told my whole life.

Here is my dilemma: My sibling is my rock. I find solace in discussing our history with him because I feel like he is the only person I know who understands our situation. He is on and off NC with her but I see that his sympathies for her are less exhausted than mine. He is her golden child and I am her black sheep. She is EXTREMELY resistant to treatment for both her diagnoses and expresses zero insight on her issues. He goes to see her therapist with her and wants me to go too. For some time I have been contemplating writing her a letter detailing my NC and just telling her I don't want her in my life in the most gentle way I can. I am moving to a different part of the country in a month so this is my last shot for a few years to go to the therapist with them. To go may not help her based on her resistance to treatment, and it will subject me to her abuse that will set me back a few weeks emotionally. But it could be a good opportunity to tell her in a controlled environment that I am cutting off contact. So i am toying with the idea of reading her my letter in the session (permitting I speak with the therapist first to make sure this is OK). I know that this session likely not help her in some significant way, but it could allow me closure before I leave. What would you all do? Or what have you done that has worked for you?

Also, out of curiosity, of those of you who have been no contact for several years, or who have excluded your BPD loved ones from life milestones (e.g. engagement announcements, graduations) what have your experiences been like?

My VERY LAST NOTE (I know this is a long post... .if you have read to here thank you!) is that I am so thankful for this forum. My life with my mother has always been everything all about HER all the time. I never knew there was a world of people talking about their own experiences in similar situations... .and we are allowed focus on our own experiences and struggles rather than how to minimize their discomfort.

[Kwamina]

Hi nerdess

Welcome to our online community  You indeed are not alone. Many of our members have a BPD parent and know how difficult this can be. Being treated as the 'all-bad' child isn't easy. I am glad you've now come to a point that you can clearly see your mother's dysfunction and can see that you weren't the problem at all.

You say you have been living with a dual diagnoses BPD and Bipolar mother your whole life. When exactly did she get these diagnoses? You say she is extremely resistant to treatment and doesn't express any insight into her issues. This is very unfortunate. You do mention that she does see a therapist. Do you know what kind of therapy she gets? There are certain forms of therapy that have been proven to be effective for certain people with BPD, particularly Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).

Going and/or remaining NC is a very personal decision. Whatever you decide to do I think the most important thing is that you are mindful off your own well-being and take the necessary steps to protect your well-being.

Take care and I encourage you to keep posting here

[CeliaBea]

Dear Nerdess,

I'm also very new to this forum and am finding it helpful!

Now I am an adult and have gone no contact with her for the past 5 months. This is the longest I have gone and it is liberating, but I am also terrified of the breakdown to follow.

I was terribly afraid of that breakdown, too, when I broke off contact with my mother four years ago. But today, I am so happy I did. I came to realize that there's no level or form of contact with her that I can tolerate. She's relentlessly abusive and manipulative. She is so destructive, I simply cannot tolerate her in my life. It is impossible to have contact with her and to be healthy, happy, autonomous, and self-respecting at the same time. Sadly, it's either her or me. And, I finally decided for ME.

I was worried my mother would kill herself once I broke off contact, or she'd become more abusive toward my father or brother, since she didn't have me as her punching bag and emotional garbage bin any more. I realized though that in the end, she's an adult and responsible for herself and her behaviour. I am not. I have the right to break off contact. How she deals with it is her problem, not mine.

She leaves voice mails on my phone frequently that vary from waif/victim, my savior, or delusional manic garble.

Have you asked her to stop contacting you?

It has taken getting away from her to realize how severe the abuse was.

That was my experience, too.

I blame my mother for a lot. I blame her for my social anxiety, my low self-esteem, feelings of loss I experience regarding my childhood, and strained relationships with family members. I blame her for the way that I feel defective all the time- like I can never be normal as I am fundamentally damaged. And I go between this and feeling pity for her, and guilt for my anger towards her when her own experience must be very difficult and I can't even imagine what it feels like to be her.

Simply hating a parent would be easier than this confusing jumble of emotions. I can relate to what you write! I think what our mothers did was horrific and damaged us greatly; but today, we're adults, and what we do with our lives is up to us and our responsibility. I have to live my life and make the best of it. No one can do that for me. And while I see no virtue in suffering and don't subscribe to "everything happens for a reason" kind of views, which really are so cruel, I may have gained one or two things from the way I grew up. I became very self-sufficient. And I am sensitive, in a good way.


Here is my dilemma: My sibling is my rock. I find solace in discussing our history with him because I feel like he is the only person I know who understands our situation. He is on and off NC with her but I see that his sympathies for her are less exhausted than mine. He is her golden child and I am her black sheep. She is EXTREMELY resistant to treatment for both her diagnoses and expresses zero insight on her issues. He goes to see her therapist with her and wants me to go too. For some time I have been contemplating writing her a letter detailing my NC and just telling her I don't want her in my life in the most gentle way I can. I am moving to a different part of the country in a month so this is my last shot for a few years to go to the therapist with them. To go may not help her based on her resistance to treatment, and it will subject me to her abuse that will set me back a few weeks emotionally. But it could be a good opportunity to tell her in a controlled environment that I am cutting off contact. So i am toying with the idea of reading her my letter in the session (permitting I speak with the therapist first to make sure this is OK). I know that this session likely not help her in some significant way, but it could allow me closure before I leave. What would you all do? Or what have you done that has worked for you?

Confronting your mother might be a good idea! I wrote mine a letter three years ago (one year after I broke off contact). It was a healing experience! I finally had the opportunity to throw all this garbage she'd heaped on me back to her, symbolically. Of course, she never responded, but that's fine. I got it off my chest. Susan Forward's Toxic Parents was invaluable! She has very helpful advice for confrontations. Whatever you decide to do—make sure it's right for you, that you feel safe and supported. Think about all of the possible scenarios, what might happened when you go to that therapy session, and decide whether you can live with the various outcomes.

Also, out of curiosity, of those of you who have been no contact for several years, or who have excluded your BPD loved ones from life milestones (e.g. engagement announcements, graduations) what have your experiences been like?



My life is happier than it has ever been. I have no desire whatsoever to let my parents back in.

Bon courage and good luck with your move!

Celia

[daughterandmom]

Hi Nerdess 

I am new to this board, and in a very early stage of addressing where I'm at, so I don't feel in a position to offer any advice, but I did want to let you know how much I empathize with your feelings and how much some of what you said resonated with me.

I existed believing there was something wrong with me, until recently in therapy I have begun to take back my life. I blame my mother for a lot. I blame her for my social anxiety, my low self-esteem, feelings of loss I experience regarding my childhood, and strained relationships with family members. I blame her for the way that I feel defective all the time- like I can never be normal as I am fundamentally damaged.

I really understand this. I have started noticing how often I ask my husband "What would a normal person do in this situation?"

And I go between this and feeling pity for her, and guilt for my anger towards her when her own experience must be very difficult and I can't even imagine what it feels like to be her.

This I totally get. I'm sorry. It's hard.

Here's to getting better It sounds like you are getting stronger with the help of your therapist.

Welcome and take care