I can't do NC and it's killing me

[Attie]

I've mentioned before that my mother was perfect during the good times, honestly perfect. And an absolute monster during the bad times. She was a great listener, had good advice, is very intelligent, helped with homework, I was allowed to play instruments etc. She was helpful, providing, cooked both lunch and dinner, made me sandwiches for school and took me on vacations that I was allowed to pick. Perfect.

Then she'd turn into a monster. Physically abused me, emotionally abused me, life at home was hell during those dark days.

Now she alienated everyone. Nobody is talking to her. She's lonely. I'm the only one still attempting some sort of low contact. And it stresses me so much. Every time I see her name pop-up on a notification (Skype, Mail) I panic... .my adrenaline spikes, I feel sick. I curl up in a corner and want to cry. I'm over 30. This is still the reaction. I live in another country. So, I don't have to see her. But she's hurt that I don't have more contact with her, don't come over more often and don't call her.

I send an e-mail every few weeks. And that's it.

I can't break it off completely.

Why?

She (apparently) doesn't remember the bad times. Thinks she was such a good mother. Doesn't understand what she did to deserve this. She goes to therapy for depression because everyone back stabbed her and gave up on her or abandoned her and she doesn't understand why. She thinks the only bad things that happened during my childhood were due to my father. (Uhm? No.)

She is lonely, doesn't understand why she's alone. Doesn't understand why her daughter abandoned her and she's suffering.

And it breaks my heart. It makes me want to cry.

As long as I keep very low contact no anger outbursts happen. I've learned in the last 10 years when to leave before she blows up. She still occasionally screams at me and blows up when I make the mistake of spending too many nights at hers. (And with too many, I mean more than one.) But if she does I walk out and leave.

She will then not speak to me for a while and then contacts me as if nothing happened.

I wish I could just tell her to get out of my life. But it breaks my heart.

And I just can't get over this feeling. I can't do it. It makes me feel so very bad for her.

But at the same time it's really not good for me. And I seem to be stuck at this point and don't know how to move on.

Thanks for letting me rant

[HappyChappy]

Now she alienated everyone... .Every time I see her name pop-up on a notification (Skype, Mail) I panic... .my adrenaline spikes, I feel sick. I curl up in a corner and want to cry. ... .I live in another country. So, I don't have to see her. But she's hurt that I don't have more contact with her, don't come over more often and don't call her.

I can't break it off completely. Why? And it breaks my heart. It makes me want to cry.

You speak about a fearful reaction when seeing your mom’s name. Which suggests you still are in the grip of F.O.G. (Fear Obligation and Guilt) It took me over a year of No Contact (not even e-mails) before I realise and the FOG subsided.

I also note you talk predominantly about your mothers needs. What about your own needs ? BPD are excellent at keeping us trapped with F.O.G. or waif like behaviour. I’d be interested in knowing what you would like ? I know I needed to mend before I could consider if I kept in contact with my BPD.

The other aspect of your post that resonates with me, is that you get understandably frustrated when you mom displays ‘A’ typical Borderline behaviour. I had often read that an older BPD is unlikely to ever change, but it wasn’t until I read about “radical acceptance” that I was able to benefit from knowing they don’t change. It was liberating. Anyway welcome to the board and judging by your posts you’re already on a journey of mending. But do let us know more about what you want.   I can guess what a BPD wants.  

[Attie]

Now she alienated everyone... .Every time I see her name pop-up on a notification (Skype, Mail) I panic... .my adrenaline spikes, I feel sick. I curl up in a corner and want to cry. ... .I live in another country. So, I don't have to see her. But she's hurt that I don't have more contact with her, don't come over more often and don't call her.

I can't break it off completely. Why? And it breaks my heart. It makes me want to cry.

You speak about a fearful reaction when seeing your mom’s name. Which suggests you still are in the grip of F.O.G. (Fear Obligation and Guilt) It took me over a year of No Contact (not even e-mails) before I realise and the FOG subsided.

I also note you talk predominantly about your mothers needs. What about your own needs ? BPD are excellent at keeping us trapped with F.O.G. or waif like behaviour. I’d be interested in knowing what you would like ? I know I needed to mend before I could consider if I kept in contact with my BPD.

The other aspect of your post that resonates with me, is that you get understandably frustrated when you mom displays ‘A’ typical Borderline behaviour. I had often read that an older BPD is unlikely to ever change, but it wasn’t until I read about “radical acceptance” that I was able to benefit from knowing they don’t change. It was liberating. Anyway welcome to the board and judging by your posts you’re already on a journey of mending. But do let us know more about what you want.   I can guess what a BPD wants.  

My needs are to be able to live my life without fear. And without her. So I can feel safe.

But that means leaving her alone, and abandoned, not understanding why. And that hurts me a lot more than I'd like it to.

So it seems that I'm trapped. I either feel guilt for abandoning her or fear because I'm interacting with her. I have no idea how to get out of that place.

[HappyChappy]

My needs are to be able to live my life without fear. And without her. So I can feel safe.

But that means leaving her alone, and abandoned, not understanding why. And that hurts me a lot more than I'd like it to.

So it seems that I'm trapped. I either feel guilt for abandoning her or fear because I'm interacting with her. I have no idea how to get out of that place.

Hi Attie,

I’ve been where you are and I know it may feel desperate, but that just for now it can change. It may take a while, but every journey begins with one foot step and you’ve already  done that by coming to this website and realising you need help.

Sounds like reading up on F.O.G (Fear Obligation and Guilt) might be helpful in understanding why you feel stuck. There’s also self help books (see https://bpdfamily.com/content/book-reviews) and Therapist. And always you have this website, with many people that understand your pressures and genuinely want to help.

I appreciate you feel obligated to your mom, but in all honesty if you started to lay down boundaries for the good of your own health what would happen ? Is it possible you’d feel safer and therefore better able to support those around you (mom included) ? Wishing you peace. 

[Attie]

My needs are to be able to live my life without fear. And without her. So I can feel safe.

But that means leaving her alone, and abandoned, not understanding why. And that hurts me a lot more than I'd like it to.

So it seems that I'm trapped. I either feel guilt for abandoning her or fear because I'm interacting with her. I have no idea how to get out of that place.

I appreciate you feel obligated to your mom, but in all honesty if you started to lay down boundaries for the good of your own health what would happen ? Is it possible you’d feel safer and therefore better able to support those around you (mom included) ? Wishing you peace. 

I live in another country. I haven't seen her in over a year. I write the occasional e-mail. We've spoken twice on the phone in the last year. I can't distance myself any more without going NC.

I still experience fear and distress when I get an e-mail from her. Or when she tries to call. I don't know how to add more boundaries to make myself feel safer when such LC still makes me uncomfortable.

I feel like I have two choices. Either continue with LC and deal with the stress. Or go NC and deal with the guilt.

I will check out the books, thank you.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Attie,

I'm not saying this is the best way forward, but it may be worth giving some consideration to:

Have you communicated to her how you feel about your past and why you struggle with having contact with her? It is an option, and it's one you could work towards in therapy and by writing no-send letters. Doing that, you could gradually work through your FOG and your grief and anger. Ultimately, you may be able to actually communicate that tell her the truth from a loving place, free from the panic she creates in you. How she responds to it would then be her prerogative. She may not understand, but she would have been given the opportunity to understand and respond. Perhaps you will eventually be able to see her as just another person in pain... .and your decision about l/c vs n/c be easier to make.

Love Lifewriter

[Attie]

Hi Attie,

I'm not saying this is the best way forward, but it may be worth giving some consideration to:

Have you communicated to her how you feel about your past and why you struggle with having contact with her? It is an option, and it's one you could work towards in therapy and by writing no-send letters. Doing that, you could gradually work through your FOG and your grief and anger. Ultimately, you may be able to actually communicate that tell her the truth from a loving place, free from the panic she creates in you. How she responds to it would then be her prerogative. She may not understand, but she would have been given the opportunity to understand and respond. Perhaps you will eventually be able to see her as just another person in pain... .and your decision about l/c vs n/c be easier to make.

Love Lifewriter

I tried to tell her. She looked at me with such a shocked and hurt expression on her face. As if I'd just broken her heart that I actually truly believe she remembers none of the things that happened.

She nearly started to cry. Said she never did any of these things I accuse her of. That she was only ever the best possible mother and that she can't believe I'd say these things.

She then decided either my father set me up to hurt her or that I must be schizophrenic and have hallucinations.

I never tried again. What for? She doesn't remember/doesn't want to remember. It just hurts her. And in case she truly doesn't remember it'll just be me painting a past, she doesn't understand. I don't see how that conversation would be helpful. Except for to get it off my chest. But I've done that part.

I do see her as a person in pain.

But since spending time with her means that at some point I will get screamed at, or accused of things that aren't true or made to feel really small and worthless... .I can't but be very stressed when we're in contact.

I constantly have to check whether or not she will suddenly blow up in my face... .and end the conversation before this can happen. That is walking on eggshells and I see no way around it without going NC.

Maybe I'm making this too hard by trying to do the right thing for her as well. Maybe it's not my job. But she has literally no one. That doesn't make it any easier.

[oceaneyes]

Hi Attie,

This seems like a really tough situation for you, and I'm truly sorry you're having to deal with all of this. 

My mother was my best friend until I began to branch out into adulthood (ie. get married, move away, buy a house etc). Now I get one of two responses from her, either unbridled rage or idolization, both of which are equally disturbing for different reasons. After years of limited contact, her behavior had gotten worse and it was clear to me that I needed to go no contact. My mother is a waif-type, and while she will never admit to the pain she's caused me, she does half admit that my childhood was crap but in a way that victimizes herself: "I know you had a bad childhood, but I did the best I could" or "You didn't come with an instruction manual!"

Like I said, going NC was the only choice for me, but it was painful. It took me months to work through the FOG. My mother was adopted, has no siblings, and her adopted parents have passed on. She has trouble maintaining close friendships, the only best friend she had passed away from cancer a few years back and she's married to an alcoholic. She is truly alone and had a terribly traumatic childhood and for that I do feel sorry for her.

I have struggled with sending a NC letter because of this. I worry, like you mentioned with your mom, that she's not mentally healthy enough to process it. She's shown before that she's incapable of empathy. If she even bothered to read it, I think that it would probably cause more harm than good at this point. Just writing it, reading out aloud, and sealing it in an envelope was a positive experience for me. I feel like I "got" what I needed from it, and I don't think she would gain anything positive from it. On the flipside, I can see the benefit of explaining why I'm no longer in contact with her. I think it's only fair to her that I tell her why to give both of us some closure. To that end, I know that one day I will send the letter.

Are you currently seeing a therapist at all? I know for me, therapy has been crucial in working through the FOG. I hope you can find some peace.

[deux soeurs]

Attie, I am sorry for your pain.  Most of us here can relate to your dilemma and the feelings you are feeling.  When it is good it is great.  When it is bad it is awful... .That is BPD. You are caught in the FOG... .yes.  I am currently NC with my sister whom has BPD.  It took several tries, three to be exact before I could finally completely go NC which includes not reading a particular toxic website she would post horrible things about me and my family.  Mostly lies.  What you have to keep reminding yourself is that your mom is mentally ill.  I remind myself that my sister is mentally ill... .You deserve to live in peace and if that means no phone calls, visits or emails, then that is okay.  Your mom has BPD.  They are good at chasing everyone away and then crying about how they have no one.  My sister does this to my dad so I am told.  My dad is the reason I broke NC in the past as she would really bother him and he couldn't take it as he is elderly.  I did it for him but this last time i am doing for me.  It is hard and you will miss your mom.  The peace you feel eventually, when you get over the FOG is worth it! 

[Harri]

Hi Attie.  I can hear the frustration and hurt in your words.  It is hard to make a choice to put your own well being before the mother who has trained you to take care of her.  I agree with the others who say there is an element of FOG working here. 

Maybe I'm making this too hard by trying to do the right thing for her as well. Maybe it's not my job. But she has literally no one. That doesn't make it any easier.

You are doing what you have been raised to do---> take care of your mother at your own expense.  There is nothing wrong with putting your needs first, saying no, hanging up on the phone when she yells/abuses/etc.  Nor is there anything wrong with staying in a hotel when you do visit.  If she gets upset, that is her problem.  You can not control her reactions all you can do is take care of yourself.  One thing that will help is to plan out what you will do should she begin to yell or rage or whatever.  have a plan.  You know her well enough to be able to predict her reactions so plan accordingly.  Practice saying no out loud over and over again.  Repeat in your head "this is not my fault or my responsibility to fix, etc".  It is hard and I can remember struggling with the crippling guilt when she was so hurt after I changed the way I interacted with her.  She raged, ridiculed me, talked about me to others, tried to turn my father and brother against me (and very nearly succeeded with my brother).  It was hard and it hurt and I can still remember how the panic and anxiety and nausea felt.  It was awful, but like HappyChappy said, it does get better.

Attie, so many of us twist ourselves all around trying to avoid setting them off, causing upset, rages, etc and then feel responsible for their extreme reactions.  The fact is, she will do these things regardless of what you do or say or how you say it... .because her reactions have nothing to do with you.  *that is what you need to remember and put your focus on*. 

As for trying to get her to understand why you do not want contact with her or are putting up limits, I agree with you when you ask what is the point.  I never told my mother how she hurt, used and abused me.  It was not because I was avoiding conflict but because she would never be able to hear me or look within her own self.  She had a completely different version of reality, one in which she was a great mother who sacrificed everything for me.  There was no getting through to her so I did not bother to try.  What I did instead was focus on each encounter as it came.  I set limits and each time she said something mean and demeaning I told her to knock it off, stop it, stop treating me like this, etc.  On more than a few occasions

I yelled it and told her to flip off (or more accurately a version of that).  I walked out on dinners, visits, holidays.  My point is, it does not matter what you say or how you say it.  You need to hear and see yourself standing up for you and taking care of you before you will break through this crippling fear.  choose your own words and tone.  Say what you need to say in your own way, but say it.  Avoiding setting her off has not worked and has only caused *you* harm.  So try something different.  Don't even attempt (at least at this point) to get her to see the past and how her actions have hurt you and driven you away.  Focus on each phone call/email/visit as it comes.

Regarding no contact, I always kept it open as an option, but I never used it.  I focused instead on learning to be able to interact with her in very superficial ways but on my terms so that I could work on my own self.  I may be in the minority here, but I do not think no contact is a solution to most of our situations.  IMO the only thing it is good for is to give yourself time and space to work on you but it does nothing in terms of helping you to learn new ways to respond and take care of yourself or to fully heal.  My mother died almost 8 years ago so I guess you can say I have the ultimate no contact... .and yet I still struggle.   Again, I think I am in the minority here with that point of view on NC so if it does not fit, leave it.  I just want to let you know that there are alternatives to NC and ways that can make LC work very well and to make it work in your favor.

In addition to the articles on FOG, please read about projection and how it works.  Understanding that concept helped me to put her meanness and rage into a manageable context, one in which I was able to keep standing and stay calm where I once was devastated. 

I hope you keep posting.  So many of us can relate even if we may have different ways of looking at things.   

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Attie,

I hope you keep posting.  So many of us can relate even if we may have different ways of looking at things.

I hope you keep on posting too. I relate to the struggles you are having in communicating with your mother. I have  struggles with mine, although the source of the difficulty is probably her being on the autistic spectrum rather than a personality disorder.

I regretted the post I made earlier. It was only when I read your reply that I realised that my suggestion wasn't appropriate to your circumstances. I got my needs and yours muddled up. 

My apologies.

Lifewriter

[HappyChappy]

I tried to tell her. She looked at me with such a shocked and hurt expression on her face. As if I'd just broken her heart that I actually truly believe she remembers none of the things that happened. She nearly started to cry.

The repsonce you're mom gave I've read many times before in this forum. A BPD does not believe they do any wrong, so will appear like a schocked child (or get agressive).

It does sound like you do have boundaries in place, but you are still griped by F.O.G.  I use to get palpations and jumpy hart every time my BPD contacted. I didn’t realise I was deep in F.O.G. until I went NC. I needed the space to mend. Just had my first e-mail out of the blue in a long while, and absolutely no fear. It’s gone.

The bit I didn’t realise until late, was that all these exercises, like replacing irrational thoughts with rational ones, or trying to forgive etc... .all these things need to be repeated over and over. Until they hit your subconscious.  But I’m living proof it works, and works really well. Took me best part of a year, but hey time well spent. So please do look at ways of relieving F.O.G. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy was the approach I took.

You suggestion about going NC, at least until you can resolve the F.O.G. might give you the space needed to work on this. I know my BPD mom is so aggressive, I needed the space to mend. NC is always reversible. But hey you've got options, you just need to take one of them. Let us know how you get along. 

[Attie]

So please do look at ways of relieving F.O.G. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy was the approach I took.

I might try. To be honest therapy kind of scares me. I'm afraid of having to dig through everything, when I'd prefer to just put it behind me. But, since I'm carrying around fleas, a lot of fleas, therapy might be of benefit any way.

I regretted the post I made earlier. It was only when I read your reply that I realised that my suggestion wasn't appropriate to your circumstances. I got my needs and yours muddled up. 

Hi Lifewriter16 Don't worry about your post. I was there at one point. When I had so little contact with her that in one of the good moments she just asked: what have I done wrong? Why do you hate me? - and for a second there I thought: This is the moment. I can talk to her about it. - I said one sentence and realised judging by her reaction that she REALLY doesn't know. That this could only hurt her, wouldn't validate me and would bring me nowhere. But, I've often thought, if only I could actually tell her. Tell her what she's done. Get it off my chest.

Thank you

[Attie]

Like I said, going NC was the only choice for me, but it was painful. It took me months to work through the FOG. My mother was adopted, has no siblings, and her adopted parents have passed on. She has trouble maintaining close friendships, the only best friend she had passed away from cancer a few years back and she's married to an alcoholic. She is truly alone and had a terribly traumatic childhood and for that I do feel sorry for her.

I have struggled with sending a NC letter because of this. I worry, like you mentioned with your mom, that she's not mentally healthy enough to process it. She's shown before that she's incapable of empathy. If she even bothered to read it, I think that it would probably cause more harm than good at this point. Just writing it, reading out aloud, and sealing it in an envelope was a positive experience for me. I feel like I "got" what I needed from it, and I don't think she would gain anything positive from it. On the flipside, I can see the benefit of explaining why I'm no longer in contact with her. I think it's only fair to her that I tell her why to give both of us some closure. To that end, I know that one day I will send the letter.

Are you currently seeing a therapist at all? I know for me, therapy has been crucial in working through the FOG. I hope you can find some peace.

I'm considering seeing a therapist. But I've considered that for so long... .I wonder when I'll find the courage to finally do it. (Doesn't help that I studied psychology and my father has a PhD in Psychology... .that probably says a lot about us   )

As a child when I trusted someone enough to tell them what was going on they'd go and talk to my mother and then be convinced I was lying or an attention seeker or both. I lost a few good relationships with adults during that time... .

And as an adult I just want to put it behind me and not deal with my memories. Both things that led me away from therapy. But, yes, I know. I should.

So try something different.  Don't even attempt (at least at this point) to get her to see the past and how her actions have hurt you and driven you away.  Focus on each phone call/email/visit as it comes.

Regarding no contact, I always kept it open as an option, but I never used it.  I focused instead on learning to be able to interact with her in very superficial ways but on my terms so that I could work on my own self.  I may be in the minority here, but I do not think no contact is a solution to most of our situations.  IMO the only thing it is good for is to give yourself time and space to work on you but it does nothing in terms of helping you to learn new ways to respond and take care of yourself or to fully heal.  My mother died almost 8 years ago so I guess you can say I have the ultimate no contact... .and yet I still struggle.   Again, I think I am in the minority here with that point of view on NC so if it does not fit, leave it.  I just want to let you know that there are alternatives to NC and ways that can make LC work very well and to make it work in your favor.

In addition to the articles on FOG, please read about projection and how it works.  Understanding that concept helped me to put her meanness and rage into a manageable context, one in which I was able to keep standing and stay calm where I once was devastated. 

As I said above, I studied psychology. I know those concepts. And it's difficult to explain... .I can't apply them when it comes to myself. I know how FOG works. I know how projection works. Rationally, yes? I understand the concept. I know what's going on.

But I seem to not be able to internalise it. Apply it to my situation. My reactions towards her are instinctive... .dominated by fear. There's a child inside of me that does not want to manage it, that just wants to run away. And then there's the adult that tries to deal? I can't bring the two together.

I manage to walk out these days when she screams, I manage to tell her 'it's not ok that you're screaming at me' - she will tell me 'if you weren't xxx, I wouldn't have to scream'... .and I'm able now to say, 'if you continue screaming I'm leaving' and then leave. A few years ago I would have broken down. Now, I leave... .I go back home... .and I break down. The breaking down hasn't changed.

I mean I'm answering my own question here, aren't I? I need to find a good therapist, who can help.

[Panda39]

... .and for a second there I thought: This is the moment. I can talk to her about it. - I said one sentence and realised judging by her reaction that she REALLY doesn't know.

In my situation I don't really buy that a pwBPD doesn't know what they have done or how they hurt others.  I think they know but can't accept the guilt and shame so they can't acknowledge or take responsibility for their actions.

That this could only hurt her, wouldn't validate me and would bring me nowhere. But, I've often thought, if only I could actually tell her. Tell her what she's done. Get it off my chest.

Both of my SO's daughter's have confronted their mother and I think it is a release for them but sadly in the long run it accomplishes nothing.  They are looking for an apology, acknowledgement, understanding or validation that will unfortunately never come.  They think if they are rational and explain she will come to understand but alas she will not understand she can't it is too painful to look at herself in that way.  They think if they keep trying she will be the mom they want her to be... .the mentally healthy mom but with out acknowledgement, a sincere desire to change, and working to make that change their uBPD will be stuck in the cycle she has been in her whole life.

My hope for my SO's daughters is that they can come to a place of radical acceptance and see their mother for who she is, then create the appropriate boundaries to protect themselves and from there have the best relationship they can with their mother or not as they choose.

Right now D18 is no contact with her mom and D14 is very low contact.

I want to encourage therapy too push past the fear and give it a try, even though you know things intellectually it sounds like you could really use some collaboration with someone else to help get you unstuck and moving forward on your journey to understand your relationship with your mom.

Take Care

Panda39

[HappyChappy]

In my situation I don't really buy that a pwBPD doesn't know what they have done or how they hurt others.  I think they know but can't accept the guilt and shame so they can't acknowledge or take responsibility for their actions.

I've read widely on this topic Panda, and you've hit the one area most open to debate, which normally means we don’t know. Their behaviour is extremely complex and effective, which suggests it’s no accident. So for me it’s more a question of what aspects are subconscious and which are conscious ? But does it matter ? If someone punches you, knowing why doesn't make it heal faster.

As I said above, I studied psychology. I know those concepts. And it's difficult to explain... .I can't apply them when it comes to myself.

Attie, I can relate to that. Sometimes I need a stranger to point out the bleading obvious to me. Objectivity versus subjectivity and all that. Children of BPD parents are normaly taught to look after the needs of the BPD first, coupled with low self esteam we tend to look after ourselves last. Could that be at play here ?

I've mentioned before that my mother was perfect during the good times, honestly perfect.

I find that very intreaging, I've never heard a child of a BPD say that before. Where you the Golden Child ? When did your mother last behave this way ?

[Attie]

I find that very intreaging, I've never heard a child of a BPD say that before. Where you the Golden Child ? When did your mother last behave this way ?

Only child. She was infertile (heh). I shouldn't have happened. But she wanted 5-6 children... .I can probably be glad she never had another one.

She always behaves this way, she flicks from golden to black. In seconds. And then back again. The same with my father. They could have fights where she was throwing plates at him, threatening him with divorce and seven minutes later they were walking down the street hand in hand, me behind them thinking:   

Maybe the word "perfect" is wrong. Because honestly, if you compare any person to my mother during the Witch moments... .they probably look very perfect to a child.

But.

She can listen to me for hours. Knows humans very well. Always has solid advice. Knows how to make me feel better about myself. Tells me how good I am. How impressed she is with what I've done so far in life. Will tell me she's proud of me.

I always had plenty of books to read. I was allowed to play several instruments. Ride horses. Do ballet classes.

Whenever I had beef at school or with a teacher she was there to back me up. Whenever there was a problem with another child, she was there, talking to the parents.

Whenever I was hurt, she'd rush me to the doctor or patch me up herself.

When I was sad she'd hug me and listen and give good advice.

When I was angry she'd listen and give good advice and help resolve the situations.

She cooked every day, twice. She made awesome snack boxes for school. She picked me up when  I needed picking up.

She was a REALLY good mother. She was very intelligent. Helped with homework. Every day. Helped prepare for exams. Explained everything I wanted explained. It sounds awesome.

Then she'd turn... .

Whatever I had told her while being angry or sad was being used against me. The fact she had needed to give me advice meant that I was unable to cope on my own. And that I was worthless and couldn't survive without my mother. I had to play x number of hours on my instruments or they were wasting their money because I didn't practice. I had to take certain subjects in school because she couldn't but wanted to, hence I now have to do it. The fact I got in trouble with school meant I was stupid or worthless or whatever the word of the day was. If I didn't like one of her lunches or dinners I didn't appreciate what she did for me. If I needed her help with homework it meant I was stupid.

She used everything that was being said or done in the good moments in the bad moments against me... .

and I fell into the trap every single time for years.

I'd be a teenager, feel bad about something... .and would make the mistake of talking to her. And being really grateful that she was so understanding, had so much advice and listened to me. I felt better. I thought this time we had a good relationship. And maybe she wouldn't switch.

And then two days later, a fight, the switch, everything thrown in my face.

I had 2-4 days of the golden mother and then a day of the witch. And literally five minutes later I'd have the golden mother again as if the witch never surfaced.

With her resources (academic background, a comfortable amount of money, intelligence, empathy and the fact that she was actually a driven human being who was doing a PhD and who has a name in the field she's working in) she was a very good, responsible, adult mother with a very dark side. I see no sign of the Queen or the Waif in her. More the Hermit and very much the Witch.

She's a functioning adult who rages every 3-4 days.

I hope I managed to explain how she works. Sometimes I'm not so sure myself.

[Attie]

... .and for a second there I thought: This is the moment. I can talk to her about it. - I said one sentence and realised judging by her reaction that she REALLY doesn't know.

In my situation I don't really buy that a pwBPD doesn't know what they have done or how they hurt others.  I think they know but can't accept the guilt and shame so they can't acknowledge or take responsibility for their actions.

See if that is the truth and they do know. Then I'd have no problem going NC. I could tell her why I am going NC. I could tell her that she can face what she's done and work with me. Or she can ignore it and not see or hear from me again. But I've seen her face... .it truly looks like she's completely blanked out all the bad things. She thinks my father was the violent one and that I'm misremembering my childhood and that I'm projecting what my father's done onto her   The few times BPD or the abuse came up it truly looked like she has no idea.

[HappyChappy]

Only child. But.

She can listen to me for hours. Knows humans very well. Always has solid advice. Knows how to make me feel better about myself. Tells me how good I am. How impressed she is with what I've done so far in life... .

Atti, that does explain things. I can honestly say my BPD resented doing anything for any of us other than her Golden Child, who was NPD so resented her back. The Irony. She would take items out of the dirty laundry and insist you wore them another couple of weeks. I was cooking for my sister from aged 12. I guess my BPD could be charming when needed, but she normally reserved that for guests. So I guess NC is a much easier decision for me.