after a week end with dd and grandkids I get this text...

[somuchlove]

We spent a fun week end with our grandkids and dd this past week end.  Our dd even though things are going ok for her, she is happy where she is living and has the kids all the times she still just has no self worth and clings to even the slightest comment as being negative.  I try very hard to respond properly  when she is in one of those moods. 

But I feel sometimes I want to just say, get over it.  You are like a child saying stuff so that people won't really just tell you to be thankful and you are doing very well.  She feels she is not worthy of the family or being around them as she is on state aid.  Her son was in the hospital and she felt our other dd thought that it was great that tax payers were paying her medical bills instead of her.  Our dd works as hard as she can, does get aid, because she needs help, we help her.  Her hands are tied at this point because of where she lives.  She wants to move but her 2 school age children are finally very settled and doing well in a school.  She hates to move them.  But she would be better off moving.  Her ex. is a mess, no financial help does whatever he pleases and she is living there in the first place, even though we tried to convince him this was not a good move but he is just out of touch with the world.

anyway I get home and I get this text from her,  I always think that you wish that my kids were my sister or brothers so you wouldn't have to deal with me.    How do I answer that?  or do I.  I am sure she is dwelling... .

I wish she would realize that there are many people in her shoes, raising 3 with no help from a father.  There is no shame in what she is doing, she is a good mother, She works as much as she can, and is a responsible parent. 

Telling her that probably won't work. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

I'm having difficulty grasping the meaning of her text message.

What do you believe she is feeling and trying to express to you?

[somuchlove]

She is very insecure.  She is always saying that her siblings are perfect.  She feels they don't like that we help her.  Our other 2 and spouses went on a trip together last year.  she couldn't go because of $$'s and work.  We are going to a reunion in a few weeks at which they are going as well.  They can afford it and can get time off.  We would be happy to have her go and help pay for expenses but she wouldn't go.  I guess I should have ask her.  That might be she is feeling left out.  She has made it very clear that she doesn't want to be around family.  That could be part of her saying that.  It is hard because she thinks we do things without her but she won't come with all of us either. 

Now that I think about it that might be the reason for her text.  she is just really hurt that we are doing the trip.

[mom2bpd]

I don't know why your BPDD would test u that message but I find my UBPD to be very jealous of everything concerning her brother. It doesn't matter how much we do to help her and she also is a single mom it's always big jealousy when his comes around. My UBPD has also sent and told me to my face weird comments about events we were both at. I think it's all about their perception and how triggered they are at the time. I find it offers has nothing to do with me. Good luck dealing with her because they are always the victims in their minds.

[somuchlove]

You are so right mom2BPD.  It does seem to be about them.  Even though our dd is a wonderful mom she does, not meaning to, I think, make things about herself sometimes.

In one of the books I read, it said they seem to push that hardest against those that they love and want to be a part of their life.  It just breaks my heart because her siblings so want to be apart of her life and try.  They so love her kids and they love them.  She just seems to hear a comment made or something they do and takes it wrong or makes such a big deal about it.  Her sister is becoming more able to see that and does think more what she says, however, she says,  I AM NOT GOING TO WALK ON EGG SHELLS WITH HER !  As I do.

I sometimes wonder if I shouldn't say to her,  that we never know what to say as she is looking at it wrong.  If I do that she goes into,  I know, I am the messed up one, I am a failure, etc... .Never know how to respond. 

I also see that her kids, feel like they are to blame sometimes. 

[lbjnltx]

That is the all or nothing/black and white/ extremes way of a pwBPD to respond.

When my d goes there I bring it back to the topic at hand... .

"No, you are not a failure/bad person/mess, you were late for the appointment because you did not manage your time well this morning. What happened? What can you do differently to avoid this problem next time?"

Keep the problem with her, one problem at a time, be supportive and ask validating questions.

[somuchlove]

Oh how I wish I could keep you all in my hip pocket to keep me on target when talking to my dd.  Thanks to the site it helps so much.