Is there hope for recovery?

[mimi99]

I have watched the videos and read the articles about recovering from BPD. For several years I held out hope that my 24 y/o daughter would eventually get better, but she has only gotten worse. It feels like we are back where she was when she was a teenager. She is in a very sick relationship (engaged after 2 weeks) using drugs, in and out of the ER, verbally abusive, lying, so on and so on... .Some articles suggest a high rate of recovery from BPD, but I am feeling like this is not in the cards right now for her. Clearly she will have to make different choices if she is to have any hope of recovery, but right now everything is everyone else's fault and she is the victim. She claims that we have abused her, that we threw her out and stole her child, etc. She is so good at wearing the mask in order to fit in that no one else but family sees the screaming maniac she becomes at home, or how she berates her own child constantly. Is there any way to tell if your loved one has a chance for recovery?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

One of the greatest predictors of effective improvement is a supportive family. 

Supportive doesn't mean rescuing from the natural consequences of their choices, it does mean positive reinforcement, modeling high level coping skills, self care and compassion.

It is essential for recovery that they attend therapy with commitment to doing the work long term.  Many will have to be in crisis before they will attend due to marriage difficulties/divorce, legal problems, drug addiction. 

Projecting blame for the troubles in their lives onto their parents is a common reaction for a sufferer of BPD. 

lbj

[madmom]

Hello, I can offer you hope. My daughter is now 27 and doing very well.  It has been a real roller coaster, and not too long ago, it seemed so hopeless.  We spent years watching her do so many things wrong.  It helped tremendously when my husband and I found this site and started working together on the tools you see here on the right hand side of the page.  When we worked on ourselves, using SET, stopping the enabling, letting consequences happen that were very hard to watch, and setting boundaries that we were both willing to live with, support each other to uphold, and stick with no matter what---she started getting better too.  It isn't all perfect, but she lives on her own, has held a job that pays most of her bills, sees us regularly, went back to therapy and taking her meds (a decision she made on her own,and is truly making a good life for herself.  Yes, there is hope, but it is a hard road for all of us to get there.  You are not alone.

[mimi99]

Thanks for the encouragement madmom. I really need to start using the tools here. My husband showed me this site a while ago, but I only recently have been here regularly. I was so resentful that I was resistant to doing anything, thinking it was all up to my daughter. Moving through the grieving process I seem to be getting past some of the resentment and trying to work on myself. I should know these things, but need to be reminded. It may not change my daughter's behavior and choices, but it may make our interactions more tolerable and help her to feel listened to instead of judged. Again, thank you for your kind response.

[AVR1962]

My daughter is 34, diagnosed when she was 18 and then again when she was 21. We just recently had 4 good years and by good I mean she and I were actually talking to each other weekly on the phone and seemed to want the relationship. In the beginning of this 4 year good spell I had been working with a counselor to helped coach me on how to deal with her. I did alot of listening... .if she tried to turn the conversation to her father who she adores and praises even though he abandoned her, again I would listen but not get involved. I think for me it was about not getting involved personally, not expressing opinions or giving out information and not letting her have personal information about me. This is the stuff she thrives and and turns upside down. If I offer any opinions about other people than bits and pieces of the truth will be relayed to that person with a twist on what was actually said, basically she plays people against people and is very cunning and manipulative when she does and people fall for it time and time again so I was careful not to engage in this sort of thing. Most of our conversations were about her, what she was doing, her kids, their plans and that sort of thing, encouragement but not involvement if that makes sense.

I thought she was getting to a point where her anxiety was not as bad and maybe her mind wasn't working overtime but then as quick as a flash everything got dumped upside down. I think I stumbled onto a truth I have been told lies about for years (I was being played basically and caught on) and I questioned it and as soon as I did she fled. I have no doubt she is now spreading it to family how I did her wrong when the truth of the matter is she got caught in her lie, she knew I knew and she could not face the truth of the situation. So I am now the bad guy, she is the victim and I see that she is now praising people thru media sites trying to pull them into that focal point in her life to show how much they mean to her, all in an attempt to cover the truth and her running from her own actions.

Years past I would have continued to try and reach her, offering to talk which has never worked and if anything, has made things worse. This time I will not. I made an initial attempt and there was no response so I will not try again. She will be back once she needs my support and has burned yet another person and she wants to speak hatefully about whoever. Again, I will/can listen but I refuse to get involved anymore... .it always backfires on me.

So to answer your question, for me and our family this has been a wild roller coaster for far too many years. There have been good times in between the bad times and in those bad times it feels much like it did when she was at her worst and I was trying to understand and help her. I no longer feel the need to help as I have learned I can't. I have detached with love.

[mimi99]

AVR1962--I have to get used to doing what you describe. I have made the mistake of talking to her about things as if she was an average person, only to have her twist and turn those things around against me. At this time, it is easy for me to see that I need to keep my distance and not offer any opinions about what she has to say. This is challenging. Although I went through therapy years ago and learned many skills, I have to re-learn them. When she was doing better it was easy for me to think she might get well. I see now that she may never get well, but if I can get better our relationship may improve. Thanks so much for your feedback

[kelti1972]

Welcome:

It is a rollercoaster ride.  I felt so much hope when our swBPD 27 year old came home and committed to go to dbt and therapy.  Now after two classes of dbt he is resisting.  It is because of this site and my other programs that I have been able to handle it better and not get as much backlash and not react with emotion and take it personally.  I have learned so many skills from here and put them into practice.  There is alot of hope here, if not for our children for ourselves... .Kelti

[thefixermom]

AVR1962, I am so moved by your sharing.  It resonated with me and my situation with DD38.  We got along best so long as it was about her and I learned to be very protective of my opinions and personal circumstances, even things that I dearly wanted to share with her, things that a mother would normally confide to a daughter and bond over. I bit my tongue every time and mourned the relationship we were both missing because of her hard line about me.  I learned to not mistake our good times with any thought that things were better.  She would even say to me, "Just because we're enjoying ourselves don't you dare think things are better between us." She would accuse me of wanting to be close to her as if it were some awful thing. She loved to shut me down in my tracks any time I pursued her but when she needed something I was the first person she asked.  Anyway, feels like there is a Niagara Falls of water under the bridge and now,  I have become lovingly detached, too, and am still in the honeymoon phase of enjoying my liberty and peace.  I have no idea what the future will bring but thank you for taking the time to share, AVR1962.