I don't know how to handle it and I'm first time in love

[theking919]

Hello So I am new here (joined 4 minutes back) and a bit nervous. This is my question:


I am a 18 year old boy who has a 18 year old girl who has borderline. I can't let go of her. Every time I think of something new to do she will say "My friend's mother has cancer" and get me back. I don't know what to do. Please someone if they could advise me. From two days she hasn't picked up or answered my texts but something inside me keeps calling and texting her. She is online (even as i write this) on FaceBook and Whatsapp but ignores my text and I'm just falling apart.

I've known her from Feb 2015.

This is really ruining me (last night I yelled at my mom) cause if she does not reply I go crazy.

Also, a day back she slept in a guys house cause they both were "bored" and their parents were out. According to her they just wanted a movie. She sent me a one line text and no more messages.

I need some advise cause I don't know how to handle it anymore. She tells me my love will get her better and she feels better each day.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[turbo squash]

It sounds like you may be codependent. I would look into the symptoms of that first.

Also, start reading everything you can about BPD. I spent several hours per day for 2-3 weeks before I started to feel like I was getting a grasp on everything.

Once you really start to see the disorder, you will be able to anticipate her actions and stop being surprised. You will also begin to understand what you need to do in order to be what she needs.

[once removed]

hey theking919 and welcome to bpdfamily 

i can really feel your pain here  . i went through a breakup at eighteen that really filled me with a lot of desperation. the fact that this is your first love must be really tough on you.

i think it would be useful to give both yourself and her some space. if shes receiving your texts and not responding, its likely not doing anything but making you feel worse. you do say if she does not reply you go crazy. youre probably, understandably, really full of anxiety right now. thats a difficult place to be, and it can drive a persons actions in directions that arent helpful for them. try to accept that youve done your best in reaching out. its up to her to respond or not.

for the first few weeks when i came out of my BPD relationship, i had never felt such anxiety. i asked everyone around me if i should contact her; i felt driven to. i felt desperate that i HAD to act. someone told me i didnt. that i could contact her any time i wanted, but perhaps it was best to wait. it was. the one time i did contact her it was ignored and i spent several hours watching my phone for a response. after enough time had passed, it sank in for me, *I* finally felt that it was best not to contact her, but i still knew that i could, that i had the option. that lowered some anxiety around things.

rest. post here. try with everything in you to distract you for the next few days (video games are great!) and with some time, the anxiety will start to lessen. then you will be in a better, stronger place, to decide how to proceed.

in the mean time, i encourage you to have a look through the lessons directly to the right.

hang in there. we are here for you.

[Mutt]

Hi theking919,



I'm sorry to hear that. It has to be hard that this is your first time in love.

I would like to join once removed and welcome you. I can understand how confusing and frustrating this would be when we feel like we're on an emotional roller-coaster.

Every time I think of something new to do she will say "My friend's mother has cancer" and get me back. I don't know what to do.

How do you feel when she springs an emotional crisis?

She tells me my love will get her better and she feels better each day.

Is she in therapy for BPD?

This is really ruining me (last night I yelled at my mom) cause if she does not reply I go crazy.

What did your mom say that got you angry? There's a reason why with the craziness that you're experiencing and it helps to learn as much about the disorder. You will quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time. Many members here share similar experiences and can relate. It helps to talk.

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)


Hang in there.


----Mutt

[Schermarhorn]

Hello OP. I was in a similar situation. My first serious relationship was with a girl that I was pretty sure had BPD. It's been over a month since we broke up and looking back on it, I believe she cheated me, or at least was planning on replacing me weeks before our breakup.

She also did the ignoring thing, but she would block me as well.

She will NOT get better, don't even try. If you cannot handle her now there is no reason to even consider staying with her. It's a loose tooth that you will have to pull out. I took her back 2 previous times and she still acted the same way later.

I would really advise you to completely cut her off, she is likely to replace you with the guy she spent the night with and it is going to hurt you. Don't subject that to yourself.

I know it sucks a lot, but I've been there and I'm starting to feel like myself again. Just take it one day at a time.

[theking919]

What is codependent? How bad is it!

It sounds like you may be codependent. I would look into the symptoms of that first.

Also, start reading everything you can about BPD. I spent several hours per day for 2-3 weeks before I started to feel like I was getting a grasp on everything.

Once you really start to see the disorder, you will be able to anticipate her actions and stop being surprised. You will also begin to understand what you need to do in order to be what she needs.

[an0ught]

Hi theking919,

What is codependent? How bad is it!

I guess it may be a bit early to talk about established co-dependent behavior considering that this is your first love and has not been going on for a while. Co-dependency is a whole host of often reactive behaviors that tend to make matters worse. How bad can it be? It depends as it covers a whole spectrum of behavior and a lot depends on how able the person is to change themselves. So don't worry about labels. Labels are helpful to get started thinking in a direction. Then you need to look at the details to make progress.

If you are cut of like you are it is absolutely normal to get anxious and angry  . You realize that your emotions are getting out of control - affecting your relationship with your mom. While that is bad the fact that you realize that you got a problem and talk about it here is healthy.  

Is your gf diagnosed and is she in therapy? Mutt has the same question - it tends to make a difference on what options are available to you.