A thought, and a poem

[purekalm]

Hey, was about to write down everything that has happened and instead I ended up writing a poem about how I feel. Some or all may not feel this, even I'm not quite at the very end yet but working on it. I just feel lost, isolated, totally done in, angry, sad, and mainly tired, just tired. I feel for all of you who are still going through the pain as I am and pray one day you will find your joy with or without your BPD significant other.

Not a toy

You love me, you hate me

I'm being pushed,

Then pulled

I'm bleeding and you smirk

You're bruised, giving me that look

Yeah I know where I stand,

I'm being crushed by your weight

Light headed as I'm tossed to the top

Battered and confused, you smile

Is this love to you... .

Anger rises up

Seeping through

Can't take no more

Tears stream as I attack you

I'm not your toy

My heart is not plastic

Yet you throw me, laugh

Pick me up to play

I'm disgusted, damaged

Unfazed you press on

Pushing all my buttons

Your happiness dims as my batteries fade

So, I'm tossed again

Dirty, used, devoid of life

I sit in silence, wonder why

As you live life normal

I'm dying inside

I've given everything I have

I lost who I am

But it's still about you

All of your pain, your struggle

I crawl with broken limbs

Just to get kicked aside

I... .I don't understand

Why

That's when I look inside

... .Realize

What I've become

Breaking, the tears rage down

I scream and you don't hear me

Drained I lay, waiting

I don't know what to do

I'm so confused

A hand reaches down

I don't even look

"Beloved, you can"

My heart thumps, head pounds

"I'm here, I never left

Remember and don't forget

I take whatever you have left

Come to me, release"

Screaming, crying, heaving, seeing

Terrified I push myself up

I see those eyes, full of love

Throw my lifeless form at his feet

Beg, plead, you know what I need

"It's already been given

Beloved, accept it"

I open my eyes

You're in the middle of a rage

Only, I've changed

Deep breath, smile

I love you,

Enough to walk away

To hope for your best, pray

As I begin a brand new day


Thank you for letting me share. I will always love him, but it doesn't mean I will always be there to be tossed about like I have no feelings of my own. I know I'm loved by God, but the rejection from the one you committed the rest of your days to is a deep, deep pain that no one should know. I just want to let you all know that you're not just loved, but your God's Beloved. It's hard sometimes to accept or acknowledge, but it remains true, and I'm so thankful for it. I'm letting go of the rope that binds me, because I will literally go insane if I don't. I am not going to feel guilty for not giving in, giving up, because I alone have to pick up the pieces of me that's left and create something new. For all of you out there that are finding yourselves while trying to live with your BPD, focus on what YOU need for once, because no one else will. Love yourself, let the projection bounce back and refuse to take the blame. Love them as only you can, but remember to be you, separate from them. We are all learning together, please don't stop.