Strategy and support for relating to adult (maybe undiagnosed) BPD daughter

[Innana]

Just a quick intro as I'm tired.

My oldest daughter is 34. She is married and has a son who will be three in October.

I have two younger children, a daughter who is 29 and a son who is 27. They are both well adjusted.

Dad is a stay at home father whilst my daughter has slowly built up her working days since going back to work. So, she is the principle bread winner. Dad does a decent job but lacks skills and insight as he comes from a fairly dysfunctional background with parents who were negligent.

I believe their relationship is strongly codependent and my daughter rules the roost.

I would describe my daughter as a highly intelligent, capable and high functioning person with strong BPD traits who has chronic health issues and very clear emotional dysregulation.

After the birth of my grandson in 2012, there was an intense time where I was very hands on with support as the birth was traumatic and she was struggling. When my grandson was around 3 months old I started to feel very bad about the way I was being treated and I eventually said so.

This led to me being kicked out of her house with a tirade of abuse being hurled at me - that I was irrational, bipolar, abusive, etc, etc. There were threats of police being called, etc, etc.

I did not have any contact for weeks and over Christmas which was an emotionally very hard time for me.

Subsequently I received a call from her that she was not alright - that she had called the CAT team (psyciatric assessment) and she was admitted into the mother baby psychiatric unit with severe PND.

During her stay there, there was a diagnosis of BPD or Bipolar being bandied about but either it was not formerly diagnosed or she did not let on that it had been diagnosed.

I had previously sought help from a specialist BPD clinic in Melbourne, Australia when there was abuse toward me after my mother died.

Recently I experienced the worst end of what is a cyclic tirade including abuse, splitting off and projections - which is typical of BPD.

It seems to happen worst when I state my own boundaries. For example when I might say that I don't want to be spoken to in a dismissive way. She just can't handle any sign of displeasure from me or any sign that I am not happy with the way I have been treated. And I frequently get treated quite poorly. Treated in a dismissive way, stonewalled, criticised, etc, etc.

The whole family walks on eggshells and it is difficult to have what I would call a 'normal' and mutually enjoyable conversation. Most conversations and activities are based around her needs.

Over time, I have limited my visits (I live rurally). I used to stay a night every few weeks but after the last episode, I have decided I won't stay at hers again.

There is much much more I can say but the bottom line is, I can't go on like this.

I will be 58 this August and I'm at the short end of the stick in terms of quality years left.

My well being has got to be my priority and if I have to distance myself then despite how it saddens me, that is what I must do.

I feel as though I have endured nearly 20 years of this and I seem to cop the brunt of her negative projections. She did seem to mellow heading into her 30's and has shown times of insight. She has had some psychotherapy and they both go to couples counselling. Last year her husband left her citing her mental health issues and I was able to bring up the BPD subject. She was open to it then but it seems that at the moment there is no way to penetrate the defences.

It is extremely frustrating and draining. I do understand the pain she is going through.

But I have just realised that her cyclic attacks on me over the years - the constant overt to subtle remarks and the dismissive nature of her attitude have taken the shine off my life and have taken up too much of my mental focus. I can't and won't tolerate it any more.

The latest episode was last weekend and I haven't heard from her since. It was her birthday and she gets extremely anxious on birthdays with high expectations that no-one can meet. There were texts coming from her claiming that I am manipulative and want to undermine her birthday to divert the attention on to me. That I bad mouth her and that I can't be trusted.

The truth is that I've not been able to trust her for as long as I remember and so many times I have heard from others the horrible things she has said about me - which hurts.

When she is not trying to annihilate me, she is loving and caring.

Whilst I understand the condition intellectually, it hurts like hell to love someone suffering from this condition.

By the way, I am single and she does not have contact with her biological father or stepfather.

I need to develop a strategy or way of being to be able to get the most out of my life.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[AVR1962]

I could have written this very post, I certainly understand. I turn 53 this year, my daughter is 34, and my daughter is the very same as far as the treatment I receive. I learned years ago that placing verbal boundaries with daughter brings on a revolt so I no longer verbalize them but I just do not get involved. By this I mean, I listen but I do not express an opinion. I might ask how she is going to move forward but I never tell her what to do. If I confront a lie she turns tail and runs, will not speak and I am the bad guy. She has treated me like crap, bad mouthed me to anyone that will listen and has caused tremendous damage in our family.

The latest situation made me realize that I had to care for me and she has to figure the rest out for herself. I no longer want to be drug into situations and if she decides to drag me thru the mud with her hatefulness there really is nothing I can do about it and it is up to everyone else to decide what they believe is true or not and how much of a relationship they want with her. It seems I have taken the largest brunt of her anger/hatred and I think that is because I am the mom and she feels save, has learned she can always come back and I will support her. I do support her but will not get involved.

[thefixermom]

I am 60 and have been through decades of this, too, so very similar and so well articulated by both of you who posted before me.  Recently, I read on here a post from a woman 10 years older than me who was going through this and I thought, "Oh, that's me in 10 years! This is not going to change! Afterall, it hasn't changed in the last 20 years!"  and that really helped me, along with DH's firm nudging, and my own disgust at being treated so very poorly by ONE person in my life, my daughter for whom I have given and given and given.  Ladies, I'm here to tell you, we may be on the short stick now but it's a wonderful stick... .I'm going through another childhood only with the maturity of an experienced person.  I am smiling, losing weight, engaging in activities that wake up parts of me that have been asleep a long time. I feel so free and happy some days that I can barely stand it.  My DD is free, too, and she thinks she is so smart about everyone else, well... .then she should be able to have a great life just the way she wants it.  That's my view and honestly, I'm seeing more and more of us abused and used BPD moms starting to come to this realization.  I will say that I have no regrets for the times I helped my DD.  There's a season for helping and a season for letting them go.  I know her life was saved by my intervention in the past.  I believe she has enough will to succeed now that she will find a way to keep going.  It's up to her whether she includes me in her life, and to what degree... .in so much as  the door is always open for a healthy loving relationship if she chooses.