trying to explaiun the push pull to my wife

[married21years]

i am trying to explain our relationship pattern of push pull

how do i do this?

any ideas

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[vortex of confusion]

I think it helps to frame things from your perspective. I have been getting a lot better at doing this lately I wonder if something like the following might help. I have had this conversation with my spouse. This isn't word for word but it an estimation of a conglomeration of talks that we have had.

'I have noticed a pattern between us lately and it frustrates me. It feels like both of us are in a no win situation. I want to figure out how we can be on the same team. I am thinking about the whole bedroom situation. When I wanted to snuggle with you and you turned your back on me, I felt really rejected. I felt like you were pushing me away. The more I felt pushed away, the harder I tried to get your attention. After I gave up and decided that I didn't want the attention any more, you came back and wanted to give me what I had been wanting only now I don't feel like I want it any more. Now I am rejecting you because I feel hurt and rejected and alone. I don't want to do this any more. I want this to stop. I want to feel heard and I want you to feel heard. I feel like we are on an up and down merry go round that won't stop. If I want something, you don't. If you want something, I don't. It feels like a constant tug of war between us."

[married21years]

thx voc this has gone on 25 years

[vortex of confusion]

thx voc this has gone on 25 years

Then you should have lots of examples to pull from to illustrate the dynamic. Just be sure to pick one that isn't a hot button issue. Pick one of the more mundane things that is more of an annoyance than a hot button topic. The key is to start really small and work up to the big stuff. Here recently, my husband and I have talked about some really big stuff and both of us did really well. I didn't have to shut down the conversation and he didn't get defensive.

It starts with itty bitty things!

[married21years]

thx voc  we are talking a lot better but she dosnt like to acknowledge her issues

[MaroonLiquid]

thx voc  we are talking a lot better but she dosnt like to acknowledge her issues

My wife doesn't either.  She only does when she is really upset and I've left her no choice due to my actions being stable and has nowhere else to put the blame.  Lately, she has been more self aware which is good.  i know it's hard for her to accept and take in, but it's necessary.

[vortex of confusion]

thx voc  we are talking a lot better but she dosnt like to acknowledge her issues

Who does? 

Before my husband would acknowledge his issues, he had to first acknowledge that there was even an issue to discuss. It is a process. How could my husband acknowledge that these issues were his when he was refusing to even see that an issue existed? That was step 1.

Then, there was a lot of push/pull about whether or not the issues were mine or his or somebody else's or a combination.

I had to be able to identify my stuff and separate it from his stuff and then put his stuff back in his lap. Like MaroonLiquid says, you have to be stable to accomplish this. 

[MaroonLiquid]

I had to be able to identify my stuff and separate it from his stuff and then put his stuff back in his lap. Like MaroonLiquid says, you have to be stable to accomplish this. 

Also, to kind of piggyback what VOC said, it can take a while for them to be self aware.  My wife did it once or twice in the first 9 months of our separation.  There was a lot of crap going on in that time.  I'll admit that for too long, I played "her game of charades" with her.  Once I started "playing chess", she began to "play checkers".  She went through some poor behavior to test my change.  Now, that may not the right analogy, but you get my drift.  Once I started leading, I saw her meet me in the way she could.  I continue to lead by emotional strength, pray and believe that she will "play chess" with me soon, be on the same page and work toward a healthy life together.  By playing my game and being stronger in my boundaries within the last 3 months, I've noticed the moments of her being self aware have doubled over the first 9.  Stability and boundaries are key.  There is still no guarantees obviously, but it does make a difference. 

[married21years]

thx guys found this

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201202/problems-emotional-intimacy-typical-bps-and-nps

[waverider]

When trying to discuss BPD traits with a pwBPD , as VOC suggests,use some mundane non threatening examples that they have already stated they are having difficulty with. If you make it a bout a big issue, then the issue takes center stage rather than working through the mechanics of the trait. Even better if the example is not about you.