Separation

[NonBPHusb]

My uBPDw and I have been in marital therapy for several months now after she had an affair with a coworker.  Things got better for a time, then they got worse for a time, then I discovered her BPD.  We are also both in individual therapy, and based on what my wife has told me about her therapy sessions, I believe her therapist (and our marriage counselor) have both either already identified BPD or even diagnosed her with BPD, but not informed her.  Reading what my wife has written down for me in notes about what her therapist and her are working on is like reading the BPD symptoms directly from the DSM.  So that is good. 

But now, my wife has decided that we are going to separate.  She is set on the decision and unwilling to discuss the cons with me.  The whole things seems incredibly impulsive to me--especially since our daughter starts kindergarten the day before she plans to move out. 

Does this ever end well?  I'm posting here rather than the committed to staying forum because there is a part of me that is undecided about staying, even if I'm not ready to embrace that yet.

[shatra]

Did she give a reason for wanting to separate?  Her not wanting to look at the cons sounds like splitting---she sees a person as all good or all bad, and sees a decision as all good or all bad

Shatra

[NonBPHusb]

Basically needing space to reduce conflict.  I don't necessarily disagree with the decision to separate on a trial basis, but I want to discuss it fully before we dive into it to make sure it isn't just an impulsive decision we can't come back from.

[Herodias]

Could be she wants to see this other person still or it could be she can't face what she did to you. I found my husband just kept doing worse and worse things to me until I finally said no more and separated. He is now seeing one of the people he saw before and I know it it because he can't be alone... .He still wants contact with me to use me basically, although sometimes he says he wants to come home and be with his wife, but I am not sure I believe him because he doesn't give up the gf. He basically told me that too much had happened between us and he didn't think we would be able to be together... .It could be what she is feeling. They don't seem to like therapy... .best to move on in their minds because they can make a fresh start with no issues until they start to have them with the new r/s. It's a tough situation, especially when you have a child... .Best wishes on your decision.

[shatra]

Herodias wrote

He is now seeing one of the people he saw before"

----Are you jealous about this? I would feel jealous.

___Do you have a sense of why BPD's return to an ex during a breakup (instead of looking for someone new)?  My sense is that it is part of the push-pull they play with others. A new person would not provide the bit of "security" or familiarity they knew with some ex from the past? Are there other reasons?

  Shatra

[Herodias]

I'm more angry than jealous... .she is nothing like me and not the type of person his parents respect. His mother said he is just using her. She chased after him, so she was easy to help him not be alone. She is pushing for marriage and babies... .we are not even divorced. I believe he is pulling away from her as well. For all I know, he is looking for someone else. I have gone no contact. I believe he feels he has no one who really knows him anymore. His family doesn't even talk to him... .the whole thing is sad, but he is a liar, womanizer and an alcoholic on top of the BPD... .this is a really bad situation. He says he is on a downward spiral and I shouldn't be a part of it, but he calls me when he is really desperate. You would think a fear of abandonment, would keep them with the people that love them no matter what and they wouldn't want to leave or stray... .