Should I try again?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Long time reader first time poster here. So i'll get to it, i've been with my girlfriend for 8 months now. A few months back out of the blue she went really cold one day and starting acting really cruel, I guess that would be the best way to put it. She would barely talk to me, had no time for me, so I chalked it up as it was over. Then as quick as she went cold about a month later she was back and loving and caring as ever. We've gone on several weekend getaways, with her kids, she come stayed with my family, i've stayed with hers. She even broke down and told me she loved me even though she was scared how real it felt. Ok, I thought to myself everything's great.

Well this past few weeks I got a weird vibe and had a bad gut feelings. The first week I let it go and didn't say anything as her grandmother had just passed and obviously I know how tough that is and it's going to be a tough time. The funeral services came and I told her anything you need let me know, I can watch the kids, pick them up, whatever you need, and I did, kept them out of her hair at the reception so she could mingle, picked up cars, dropped off flowers, basically made it so she could focus on the day. Well the whole day all I caught was ridiculous attitude and no thanks, almost like it was expected. I won't get into more details of the day.

So later that night when on the phone I asked what's up, not aggressive or defensive and i got everything is fine, with a 20 second silent period after... .ok fair enough. Sunday comes around we are swimming with her kids at her dads and we decide to go get ice cream for everyone, in the drive through line I reach over touch her belly and give her a kiss... .I get can you not touch my belly anymore, I dont like that. I thought odd that's never been an issue before. Then what made me finally ask her again what's going on something isn't right, is when I made a joke about her kitchen being dirty... .for some reason she got super upset, even though we both joke with eachother daily about that stuff.

I basically asked what's wrong, I feel like you went cold and are acting like you did a few months ago. I got no nothings wrong but you asking me what's wrong is going to make something wrong, then silence. I let her know I will not be as patient this time with her acting like this, and it shouldn't be a problem checking on the health of the relationship when I know something is awry, especially given the circumstances a few months back.

Mind you two days before she went cold, we made plans to go to the cape for a weekend, newport for a weekend, and bring the kids to maine for a weekend for the end of the summer... .then boom cold and retreating, barely telling me what shes doing or how shes doing, not caring what i'm doing, and no initiative to see me.

I guess my question is, will it even be worth trying to stay with this girl or is this how it's always going to be? Hot cold loving then cruel. You would think a 30 year old single mom of two, would love to have a guy who truly cares and wants to help with the kids, who truly loves her for what she is. Maybe it's grass is greener and she knows she has me and i'll do anything for her. Maybe that's my downfall being to willing and available for her... .Any advice would be great, I just don't know what I did wrong to make her act this way, like I said everything was great a few days before she went cold again... .I feel like she could be a bit BPD maybe i'm wrong, but the signs seem to be there. Thanks for any insight.

[quadfang5]

Long time reader first time poster here. So i'll get to it, i've been with my girlfriend for 8 months now. A few months back out of the blue she went really cold one day and starting acting really cruel, I guess that would be the best way to put it. She would barely talk to me, had no time for me, so I chalked it up as it was over. Then as quick as she went cold about a month later she was back and loving and caring as ever. We've gone on several weekend getaways, with her kids, she come stayed with my family, i've stayed with hers. She even broke down and told me she loved me even though she was scared how real it felt. Ok, I thought to myself everything's great.

Well this past few weeks I got a weird vibe and had a bad gut feelings. The first week I let it go and didn't say anything as her grandmother had just passed and obviously I know how tough that is and it's going to be a tough time. The funeral services came and I told her anything you need let me know, I can watch the kids, pick them up, whatever you need, and I did, kept them out of her hair at the reception so she could mingle, picked up cars, dropped off flowers, basically made it so she could focus on the day. Well the whole day all I caught was ridiculous attitude and no thanks, almost like it was expected. I won't get into more details of the day.

So later that night when on the phone I asked what's up, not aggressive or defensive and i got everything is fine, with a 20 second silent period after... .ok fair enough. Sunday comes around we are swimming with her kids at her dads and we decide to go get ice cream for everyone, in the drive through line I reach over touch her belly and give her a kiss... .I get can you not touch my belly anymore, I dont like that. I thought odd that's never been an issue before. Then what made me finally ask her again what's going on something isn't right, is when I made a joke about her kitchen being dirty... .for some reason she got super upset, even though we both joke with eachother daily about that stuff.

I basically asked what's wrong, I feel like you went cold and are acting like you did a few months ago. I got no nothings wrong but you asking me what's wrong is going to make something wrong, then silence. I let her know I will not be as patient this time with her acting like this, and it shouldn't be a problem checking on the health of the relationship when I know something is awry, especially given the circumstances a few months back.

Mind you two days before she went cold, we made plans to go to the cape for a weekend, newport for a weekend, and bring the kids to maine for a weekend for the end of the summer... .then boom cold and retreating, barely telling me what shes doing or how shes doing, not caring what i'm doing, and no initiative to see me.

I guess my question is, will it even be worth trying to stay with this girl or is this how it's always going to be? Hot cold loving then cruel. You would think a 30 year old single mom of two, would love to have a guy who truly cares and wants to help with the kids, who truly loves her for what she is. Maybe it's grass is greener and she knows she has me and i'll do anything for her. Maybe that's my downfall being to willing and available for her... .Any advice would be great, I just don't know what I did wrong to make her act this way, like I said everything was great a few days before she went cold again... .I feel like she could be a bit BPD maybe i'm wrong, but the signs seem to be there. Thanks for any insight.

[OnceConfused]

A good friend of mine gave me this advice:

Take whatever you feel before the marriage, then multiply it by 10 and see if you can live with it.

Another issue here is history will repeat itself. How did she got divorced in the first place? was or is there a pattern on instability?

Sometime people are on a low mood so they can be cranky. I understand that but you can seriously tell if the mood is just temporarily low because of the hormone or whatever or the mood is really a reflection of something more permanent.

If your intuition tells you that the attitude is more of a permanent, repeatable pattern then it is time to make some big decision.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey quad, What you might think a "30-year old single mom of two would want" is immaterial; it's about how this particular woman is presently treating you.  You can come up with all sorts of theories such as how maybe you are "too available" or maybe the "grass is greener," but that's all speculation on your part.  Try to focus on what's really happening.  If you don't know, maybe you need to ask her?

LuckyJim