I need to get off this ride but am struggling to do so

[nolanic]

New member here... .

I have been married to a woman with BPD for 10 years.  Did not realize her affliction until about a year ago when our marriage counselor told me in private.   Thought she was just "depressed", and she was diagnosed with OCD.  I did some research and everything fits. 

Basic story:

We met in college and married shortly thereafter.  We have four young children (ages 2-10).  Relationship was always "troubled" and has been the main source of pain in my life.  I am a very loving and dedicated partner, so my overwhelming drive was to stick it out and work together to improve things.  This despite her crossing lines that I never would.  She can be sweet and loving or unbelievably cruel.  Tolerate things from her I would never accept from others.   

I know, intellectually, that I need to leave.  It's just so painful.  I can notice her push away-pull back cycles, but they still exert their influence.  We have been separated (which in this scenario means me sleeping on an air mattress)/divorcing for 8 months.  We were almost done with our mediation (despite her occasional "poison pills" and had separate places.  She was ice-cold to me for 7 months and then, after a crazy fight she instigated (which prompted me to spend a couple nights at a hotel) she begged and pleaded with me to see her again.  I did and, of course, we "reconciled".  That lasted for about 2 weeks and then she was back up to her old tricks (caught her basically on a date with a guy she had been seeing during our separation).  She only seems to want me when I'm headed out the door.

I am trying to leave (again) and she is now saying "we didn't really give it a chance" and "let's go back to therapy together".  I'm really suffering because of my inner conflict.  As other have said, the relationship is like a drug.

I just need to get off this merry-go-round and am looking for support and guidance.

Thanks

[Lucky Jim]

Hey nolanic,  What is the current situation with your W?  Are you living under the same roof?  It's tough with kids involved, I understand.  I was married to my BPDxW for 16 years and we have two children together.  The r/s you describe is quite familiar and I spent many a night at the local motel when my Ex kicked me out during one of her rages.  It wears you down.  I can't tell you what to do.  Generally speaking, the first step is to return the focus to yourself and your needs.  What is the right path for you?  What is your gut telling you?  You might want to check out the tips to the right, Deciding on a Direction/Choosing a Path, over here =>

LuckyJim

[Pou]

reading your story, because your wife is a BPD and unlike mine who is more like a NPD, I don't get any "passion" side of relationship, which allows me to detach a bit easier.  I have three kids with her and practicing detachment in the same roof, not idea for kids ... but have to do it just "enough" to have my sanity.  I yield to her on most stuff without emotions involved ... .and try to keep things simple and don't like to be in the same room with her.  As in your case, sounds like a BPD is much more difficult to deal with in terms of romantic relationship goes... .it oscillates.  NPD is simply cold without passion and the only passion is her rage.  I would try to detach if you could... .easier said then done.  good luck.

[orderline]

Hi nolanic

Here are some ideas to pick from

I suggest you go into observation mode

To get off the drug I suggest you become more sensitive to abuse and leave/stop her/it when she does not provide comfort. She receives your attention without "earnining" it. Set a "comfort boundary" and be an idiot about it. Just mechanically and gracefully get out of her way if she does not deliver.

Do not tell her what to do or argue. Send her to do a walk for her self. Just act for yourself to increase your own comfort and wellbeing. You will start to feel better. Buy yourself an extra cup of coffe and start to appreciate the gradually larger space of non abuse, fresh air and sound thoughts. Your stand for non abuse will make you less usefull as a fireman working for free in her Tjernobyl reactor.

Reduce your urge to make up. As long as you are the only one valuing the relationship you are an easy target. Just relax and let it be as bad as it is and make no effort to repair. Just try to look demanding and bored. Like a disapointed customer.

Just relax and watch - do not rush in to put the fire out.

Watch her atack you in slow motion and start to pay close attention to how she looks and moves and speaks. This wil get you off your "defence and repair track" - out of your head - away from automatic reactions to fix it.

Have fun and carefully check if this is something you can do for another ten years.

[nolanic]

Thanks for all your replies! My current situation is under the same roof, but sleeping seperately. I am actively looking for a place of my own (lease should be emailed momentarily!). I do try and observe her actions/words and my reactions. I've done a lot of therapy and learned some self-care techniques. I just know once I'm actually out the door she'll pull at me. She casually mentions suicide and her deep self-loathing sometimes, which triggers my caring/nurturing instincts. I try to let her comments go without reply but it's tough. I also try and remember how cruel and selfish she can be, but when she's happy and upbeat that can be difficult. I'm trying to be prepared for her baiting the hook to get me back.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, nolanic, It sounds like you have made a good plan, so stick to it.  It's likely that she will prod you with the BPD pitchfork of fear, obligation and guilt, through suicide threats, self-harm or whatever it takes.  Your task is to remain detached from her turmoil, though I recognize that's easier said than done sometimes.

LuckyJim

[nolanic]

Yeah, she's pulling at me. Sent me a cute pic of her playing with our beautiful daughter which she had originally sent when we had recently briefly reconciled. Saying "we didn't give it a chance" and "it's never too late". I just caught her on a fricken shady date with herein hookup during our initial "separation"! My head is spinning. I did put in an application on the house, so I hope that I can go through with leasing and moving ASAP. It's so difficult to not reach out when she says these things. Especially since, due to our kids and the fact that we live together we have a lot of interaction.

[JQ]

Hello Nolantic 

Welcome to the group where you'll find a lot of us that have been in your place, felt what you felt, experienced what you've experienced and we're here to listen, offer some guidance, let you vent, whatever you might need and we can help with and in the end no judgement ... .because we've been there.

Your story isn't much different then anyone here and it sounds as if you've been introduced to the world of BPD by your marriage counselor. Question - did the marriage counselor mention anything to your s/o?  Has anyone expressed that you actually go to a therapist specializing in BPD and the therapy that has shown the most promise in treating this behavior illness?  The thing that I've learned is that the BPD actually has to come to the realization that THEY need to go to therapy without the constant nagging or forcing of other family members ... .it's needs to be their idea. And studies suggest that it's going to be a life time of therapy for her AND you. Why you? Because you're going to have to talk to someone about things ... .as you've experienced it's a long term issue and anyone who loves and cares for them will need to find a good therapist to help them. My exBPDgf has been going off and on for decades and as I've expressed in other post I would like to think I see moments of clarity before the crazy train leaves the station again. If you decide to stay you'll need to learn the complete language of BPD & learn how to define things like triangulation, projection, validation, push / pull, painting black & white. You're going to turn inwards and learn more about yourself then you ever thought and why you're attracted to someone who has BPD or find it hard to leave this drug like relationship. Trust me I understand the analogy ... .when you get that first hit its a feeling like no other and you never want it to end. But like a drug you & you BPD come back to the real world. Then you build your tolerance and you need more and more to get to that same feeling that you had at the start but you never get there.

If or when you go to a therapist you might find out that like a lot of us here you might be a codependent, the people pleaser, perfectionist, the white hat wearing cowboy or knight in armor. You want to ride in on your horse and protect her from past bf that did her wrong or an incident that brought great pain to her. You want to be the knight that will slay all that would do her harm. You strive for perfection so that she doesn't rage & you receive her approval that never comes. It's ok, a lot of us are, but you can learn new tools to help yourself, help your kids. What you're going through is a form of emotional abuse, mental abuse, perhaps even physical abuse ... .yes men can be all of those and more from women. And it's NOT ok & you need to learn to say no. You deserve to be in a loving, caring, mutual respectful relationship.

Unfortunately you have two kids & as a father you want to protect them from all forms of harm. I've asked the question of myself and of others ... .Why do you actually love this woman? Is she a good roll model for your kids? Does she set a good example of what a loving, caring, best friend marriage should be like for your kids to learn from? Because they'll learn from you and it begins at a very early age. Trust me, I learned how not to have a relationship by my BPD mother.  Have you learned the 3 C's of BPD? YOU didn't Cause it! YOU can't Control it! YOU can't Cure it!.  You need to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your two kids ... .that's the reality of it. My exBPDgf has two kids & her husband divorced her and they have split custody, he tries to keep some sort of sanity balance between those two and when she calls me I try to keep her balanced and even keeled so she doesn't rage. She's told me more then once that I help her see things different when it comes to her kids and it helps her develop a better relationship between them. I would like to think it's true but it's hard to tell.

BPDs are complicated, time consuming, that will drain you physically, mentally, emotionally and I've read that studies have shown that the non will live a shorter life if they stay with an untreated BPD because of the daily stress it causes on their bodies. My exBPD is starting to paint bf#2 black & I'm turning a lighter shade of grey. She invited me to one of her therapy sessions a few months back. At one point I told the therapist I was interested in a exclusive, monogamous relationship with her ... .then she turn to me and said, "JQ, that might not ever happen".  EXTREME Fear of abandonment real or not is the reason they find someone to put in the batter's box while they're painting you black. They paint you black, & leave you for another because in their mind they whole heartily believe that you will leave first. It's a self protective behavior they've learned long before you were in the picture due to some childhood trauma and absent or unavailable parent or possibly a parent who was BPD. But until she gets into therapy to find out why she has the behavior skills of a toddler throwing temper tantrums until she gets her way she's never going to start the long hard road to a more positive life. 

There are all kinds of resources here to read and books like, "i love you, I hate you, don't leave me", "Stop walking on Eggshells" & "The Human Magnet Syndrome" are all good reads for different aspects of a life with BPD. All you can find at the local library. It appears with your last statement you've made your mind up to leave ... .again no one judges you. I myself go back and forth right now because I'm not so sure I want to spend the rest of what life i have left being the only adult in the relationship, learning a new language & behavior to deal with BPD. You only get one short life and I want to make the most of it. I love her, but I'm wondering if I should continue to go through rehab to break the habit ... .break the cycle. As you've learned, she cycles ... .sometimes very quickly, sometimes weeks or months between changing your color. It can be an emotional roller coaster crazy train ... .so Neo ... .do you take the blue pill ... .or the red pill?

Please come back as much as you need to to vent ... .it's almost like self therapy ... .it helps to look inward, introspection isn't a bad thing.

JQ

[JohnLove]

Hi nolanic

Here are some ideas to pick from

I suggest you go into observation mode

To get off the drug I suggest you become more sensitive to abuse and leave/stop her/it when she does not provide comfort. She receives your attention without "earnining" it. Set a "comfort boundary" and be an idiot about it. Just mechanically and gracefully get out of her way if she does not deliver.

Do not tell her what to do or argue. Send her to do a walk for her self. Just act for yourself to increase your own comfort and wellbeing. You will start to feel better. Buy yourself an extra cup of coffe and start to appreciate the gradually larger space of non abuse, fresh air and sound thoughts. Your stand for non abuse will make you less usefull as a fireman working for free in her Tjernobyl reactor.

Reduce your urge to make up. As long as you are the only one valuing the relationship you are an easy target. Just relax and let it be as bad as it is and make no effort to repair. Just try to look demanding and bored. Like a disapointed customer.

Just relax and watch - do not rush in to put the fire out.

Watch her atack you in slow motion and start to pay close attention to how she looks and moves and speaks. This wil get you off your "defence and repair track" - out of your head - away from automatic reactions to fix it.

Have fun and carefully check if this is something you can do for another ten years.

Thanks for posting this orderline. I think self awareness and accurate awareness of your situation and circumstances is most helpful. You have given some very practical and revealing advice that anyone can use for themselves in their own situation to find their truth.

I APPLAUD YOU.