The pattern continues

[Eco]

It never fails, after about a week or sometimes a few days of being half way normal my ex seems to need to make up for acting that way and ramp up the insanity. 

I could feel a shift in balance after last weekend in my daughter, I picked my daughter up this morning for my mid week visit, she didn't come running to me like normal but instead was carried to me by my ex holding a stuffed animal and had the gaze of a thousand miles kids get when they are tired or in my daughters case when something is weighing heavy on her.

My ex refuses to let my daughter bring home any stuffed animals from me, A while back me and my daughter went to build a bear and she made a bear with a message in it from me telling her I loved her. My ex made a huge stink about it when my daughter wanted to bring it with her to her moms and she wouldn't let her so I started leaving it at the daycare ( my ex tried to block that as well but failed ) The teachers said she loved that bear and slept with it every time at nap time. My ex has taken her out of that daycare and now my daughter is being watched by someone while my ex works so she only gets to see that bear when I see her.

I have always told my ex that my daughter can bring anything to my house that she wants to but she hasn't until today. what bothers me is that I believe my ex couched my daughter into taking the stuffed animal, I may be wrong but my daughter seemed like she would be in trouble if she didn't take the bear into my house. When it was time to go I asked her if she wanted to take the bear I made her with her to mommas she agreed excitedly but when we got in the car she handed me the bear I gave her and said I already have one with a frown. My ex told me the exact same thing when my daughter tried to bring that bear with her when we made it, " she already has one "

Anyways I told my daughter that it was her bear and she could take it with her if she wanted to and that I said it was ok, she smiled at me. when we got to her moms I could tell she was unsure about bringing the bear with her so I said how about you bring elmo instead. she looked relieved and said yes with a giggle.

My daughter is obviously very scared of disappointing my ex, I thought about how bringing that bear with her might trigger my ex and I didn't want to make things difficult for her so I gave her a safe alternative. She loves that elmo to so I think its something that reminds her of me and my family so hopefully my ex wont take it away from her. Its so petty and unnecessary.

Any tips on how I handled that?

I also asked my ex if I could get my daughter tomorrow for two hrs while my ex is at work, I told my ex that I hated to make my daughter go a whole week without seeing me or her brother. She responded  " like you made her go a whole week without seeing me or her sister's" My ex was referring to my vacation that I took with my daughter for a week, which my ex took a week as well and it fell on half of my weekend. I ignored that jab at me and responded " so is that a yes or no about tomorrow?" no reply from her

[js friend]

Hi Eco,

I think you handled the situation with the bear beautifully. My guess is that your ex has feelings of jealously over this bear as silly as it sounds... .In my experience pwBPD's do often get this way even over inanimate objects. PwBPD are just no good at sharing love and affection with anyone.

My thoughts are that by having the bear you made together in your exs  home she would feel like it was taking love away from her and your d would pay it way too much attention... .  as silly as this sounds. Also I can see abandonment issues here. The more your d loves that bear the more unloved and abandoned your ex feels. I wouldnt try to encourage your d to take the bear home to exs home anymore as it may just "mysteriously" disappear or come back in tatters.

Another idea could be that you take loads of photos of your d while she is with you but making sure you include bear and put them in a scrapbook for her. I used to do this with my children and their favourite toys and we used to have fun looking back at them and it brought back many good memories from their childhood.