Help disciplining a 17 year old daughter

[toadette]

My daughter has not been diagnosed with BPD but has been going through counseling and they have said she is.  We are having problems with disciplining and having her being accountable for her actions.   She charged things on my credit card and is refusing to acknowledge that she did it.  We are taking away her car and phone and told her she is grounded.  Her answer:  What did I do?  I didn't charge anything.  It all points to her and there is there is no way she could deny it but she continues to say she didn't do it like she believes it.  She will not follow the rules for curfew.  What can we do?  We can't lock her out since she is 17 and someone said we could get arrested.  Any help?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[AVR1962]

Is she receiving individual counseling, or is there joint counseling as well? My BPD daughter left home at 17 and wanted back in 6 months later. We put together a contract that we told her she would have to agree to and sign. On the contract she had to receive counseling (which part was joint counseling with me), she had to finish school, get a job. She agreed,signed the contract and abided by the contract.

[toadette]

She was attending a group counseling session (DLT) and also an individual counseling with herself.  We the parents met with the counselor and my daughter once a month.  She would attend most of the time but if she had something else to do with her friends she would miss.  The counselor said she isn't being honest with her (after 6 months).  You never knew what you would get.  Did you kick her out or did she leave?  She keeps saying she is going to leave but doesn't.

[lbjnltx]

hi toadette,

The best way I found to discipline is to make sure that privileges are earned, not taken away after the fact.  This focuses responsibility on her and her efforts and removes you from the disciplinary position.

How might your daughter earn the car back?

Maybe she has to do chores to pay for the charges on the credit card... .then she gets the car back?

Maybe she has to meet curfew for 2 weeks straight to get the car back?

Maybe she has to meet curfew the day before to have access to the car the next day?

Going out with friends is a privilege too.  Having a cell phone, spending money, having friends over are all privileges.

How can you use this kind of positive reinforcement to help her learn that privileges are earned by being responsible and working for them?

How important is it to you that she confess to using the credit card?  If you are sure she did and she refuses to confess to it that doesn't change the facts.

lbj

[toadette]

That sounds like great ideas.  I just feel so much resentment and anger towards her.  I don't want to see her or talk to her because I will just go off.  She just acts like nothing has happened.  How can you do this to a family member and treat them this way.  She can be so sweet at times but ruthless at others.  I love her but it is sucking he life out of me.

[lbjnltx]

Your resentment and anger are justified toadette... .the question is... .are they helpful?

When our kids put us through the ringer... .when they show how "normal" they can be and follow up with such off the wall crazy making behaviors it can be easy for us to loose site of the fact that they are suffering from a mental illness.  We can loose our compassion for them because we start to believe they can control themselves all the time and that they are purposefully hurting themselves and us. 

This doesn't mean we don't hold them accountable... .it just means we need to work with the limitations they have and adjust our expectations accordingly.

Having a contract that is designed and signed by all the family members is a good place to start... .it is an accountability tool.

[DisneyMom]

I have a 16 year old BPD DD, so I know how tough discipline can be.

This is really hard. But I would stop trying to get an admission out of her, because she isn't capable of it. You just have to accept that. She knows, and you know, what happened. She just can't admit it to you. It doesn't matter how much evidence you have. It's too painful, she'll deny it in the face of concrete evidence that proves her guilt.

That doesn't mean you excuse it. You just TELL her, the consequence for using my credit card is "X" Ignore any arguments of "but I didn't do it!" Don't engage that line of conversation at all. You aren't playing into that game.

If you can make the consequence logical to the action, that's the way to go. My DD lied and said her date was from school when she actually met him online. Since she lied about her internet use, I took away her internet access, data, and wi-fi on her phone. But she kept her phone for talk and text, and I did not ground her. Other times I have grounded her for being out past curfew, but I did not take away her electronics. Now, if she tried to disregard her punishment and go out when grounded, then I would take away additional privileges. She knew it, and fell in line.

Also, after I give a consequence, I make a big effort to stay in a good mood with her and still do positive things together as a family. She has no more argument that "I hate her" or "I'm mad at her" because I take all my negative emotions out. She can't turn it around on me as a diversion like she used to when I stayed mad.

As for the credit card use, maybe you can find some way to recover that amount of money from her. If you give her an allowance, with-hold it until the costs are covered. Make it about getting the funds back to you. Take it out any of her savings accounts and let her know what you are doing, if you can. If you usually give her money for whatever, tell her you are stopping until you've applied that money to your credit card. If it was my DD, I would be trying really hard not to make it about her phone or freedom to go out (unless I was really out of options).

It's not easy, I hope you find something that works for you!

[lbjnltx]

I have a 16 year old BPD DD, so I know how tough discipline can be.

This is really hard. But I would stop trying to get an admission out of her, because she isn't capable of it. You just have to accept that. She knows, and you know, what happened. She just can't admit it to you. It doesn't matter how much evidence you have. It's too painful, she'll deny it in the face of concrete evidence that proves her guilt.

That doesn't mean you excuse it. You just TELL her, the consequence for using my credit card is "X" Ignore any arguments of "but I didn't do it!" Don't engage that line of conversation at all. You aren't playing into that game.

If you can make the consequence logical to the action, that's the way to go.

[twojaybirds]

I have found that consequences do not work, just the same that love does not work.

Your dd cannot admit the credit card use and holding resenment makes you angry, puts a big divide in your relationship and solves nothing.   

I had to "eat" all that my dd took from me when we learned her diagnosis.  It all happened at the same time for us. 

Focus on you, your role in the relationship and move forward.

It took me a lot of time, reading and posting as I set boundaries, not consequences and ensured safety in my home.