Struggling

[Kendel]

Ok, here goes.  I need help. I'm struggling with an ex-relationship with a BPD partner. The whole story is this... .We have known each other for 30+ years (we are now in our early 50's). He was my first "crush" in middle school and he "crushed" on me too. We remained friends throughout high school but we never dated. After high school I would run into him occasionally and I would always think to myself he was "the one that got away." Fast-forward to about 12 years ago.

I'm attending college and working in a store and he comes in... .tall, tan and handsome and he starts to flirt with me. I flirt back. He was married, I was divorced, and if we had not had our "history" I would NOT have flirted back. Flirting eventually led to an affair that lasted for 4 years. He divorced (but not for me, I didn't want that). He then started to date other women but kept me "on a string." Now 3 years ago, he had knee surgery and had no one to care for him. He had treated me horribly many times but he asked me to help him so I did. Forgive but not forget, right? We again grew very close. Over the years, I completed college, got my Masters, and became a MH Counselor. You need to understand that I'm NOT his counselor (never was and never tried to be) and I know I can't "fix" him, and I don't have a Savior complex... .

He has alcohol issues and substance abuse issues. He went to rehab last year in April. He did very well and had a new lease on life... .after about 6 months I moved in with him and everything was great. He was monogamous, no drinking, no drugs. After 8 months he asked me to marry him. We got married last December and we were happy for 4 months. Just like that, it was over. He filed for divorce, started to drink again, do drugs again and I was OUT because I don't live that lifestyle.

I have beaten myself up for "falling for his charisma and lies." I know that I need to separate myself from him, he is TOXIC to me... .I know ALL of this but I'm struggling. I read the article about "breaking up" and it describes EVERYTHING that I'm feeling.  :'(

[OnceConfused]

Kendel:

You cannot solve the same problem with the same mind set that created it.

You  have to change your mind set or paradigm. You have to let go of the thinking that this is a mistake or regret of doing so or lack of doing something else. If you don't then you will be living in a state of wanting to come back again to prove once more that you were right or blaming yourself for what you did.

Here is how to change your mind set.

1. Look at your r.s with this man as an EXPERIENCE, not as an success or failure. Look to see what this experience has taught you so that you can grow and not repeat the same again. Wayne Dyer said it beautifully, " Everyone come into your life as a teacher from God who tries to teach you something, even the tyrant.". I looked at my short time with XBPDgf as a experience, at times I still thank her for being the teacher who taught me how love should be and why I need to stay steadfast in my path to happiness and let noone including BPD pull me off that path. From the experience with xBPDgf, I learn to be a better human being, a more spiritual person, a better parent.

Old poet from Persia, Rumi said it well:

"The wound is the place where light enters you."

Let the wound of BPD allows the light of enlightment enters you, transforms you into a new person, a better loving person.

Once you change your paradigm from self loathe to self love like what Rumi and Dyer advocate, you will  walk away from xBPD as a VICTOR for your own growth, not a VICTIM.  The next person who enters your life will be a very lucky one because of your transformation and growth

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Kendel, I concur w/Once Confused.  Your current situation represents an opportunity for growth.  First step: stop beating yourself up.  Presumably you have moments of self-loathing, or you wouldn't be doing this to yourself.  The goal is to learn to love and accept yourself.  If you can do that, you may find that you will avoid destructive behavior and abusive people.  At the end of the day, this process will lead you on a path toward greater happiness, which in my view is what it's all about.

LuckyJim

[Kendel]

Thanks for your feedback OnceConfused and LuckyJim. 

I'm starting to get my bearings a bit. I've been reading around the site and I'm working on self-awareness and changing my mindset.

I'm very good friends with BPDxhusband's sister and she is very supportive and encouraging to me also. She loves her brother but she tells me that I deserve so very much more than what is he able or willing to be for me. I told her that I became a member here and she was very happy and supportive that I'm taking a proactive approach.

Also, I liked the quote from Rumi so I added it at the bottom of my posts. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, Kendel, I like that quote from Rumi, too.  In Robert Bly's book, Iron John, he talks about the wound being the source of one's genius.  In other words, the wound provides the inspiration for art and creativity, which brings grace. 

LuckyJim