Escalation

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So my uBPDw and I have been having our troubles and last night things escalated. While I was in the shower my wife called the cops on me because I accidently left the gate open and her dog was on the front porch barking.  She demanded they come in person, and spent the next 1/2 hour waiting for them outside wearing nothing but a torn bathrobe. I put on some clothes and sat on the porch calmly (well, as much as I could) waiting for them also. After the 1/2 hour passed she reappeared from the darkness and said she called them off. I wished her a good night and went to bed after texting my sister what was going on in case things got worse.

From what I've been reading here this change is just in the normal course of events. It sure doesn't feel that way to me. She has never split so black on me before. Is this behavior what I should expect in the future? What I'm most worried about is that, since she's not having any success getting a rise out of me doing the regular emotional abuse things (name calling, criticizing, accusing, gaslighting), is that now she's going to just keep escalating until I either leave or she gets me thrown in jail. She's never been physically abusive, nor have I.  Do you think I have to consider that physical abuse/threats are going to become reality?

[TheRealJongoBong]

So my uBPDw and I have been having our troubles and last night things escalated. While I was in the shower my wife called the cops on me because I accidently left the gate open and her dog was on the front porch barking.  She demanded they come in person, and spent the next 1/2 hour waiting for them outside wearing nothing but a torn bathrobe. I put on some clothes and sat on the porch calmly (well, as much as I could) waiting for them also. After the 1/2 hour passed she reappeared from the darkness and said she called them off. I wished her a good night and went to bed after texting my sister what was going on in case things got worse.

From what I've been reading here this change is just in the normal course of events. It sure doesn't feel that way to me. She has never split so black on me before. Is this behavior what I should expect in the future? What I'm most worried about is that, since she's not having any success getting a rise out of me doing the regular emotional abuse things (name calling, criticizing, accusing, gaslighting), is that now she's going to just keep escalating until I either leave or she gets me thrown in jail. She's never been physically abusive, nor have I.  Do you think I have to consider that physical abuse/threats are going to become reality?

[OnceConfused]

From what she did, I am afraid that one day she will call the cop on you and claim rape. You then will be in a world of hurt.

Interestingly or similarly, my xBPDgf one day when she handed out the check to the contractor for the carpet installation, she yanked the check back and called the police that he tried to sexually assault her. Scared, he left quickly and she got the carpet installed FREE. She was the one that flirted with him and gave him all the signals that she was a player.

Be careful.

[OnceConfused]

Another thought, if I were you I would tape her rages and such with my phone. This way I will have something to protect me.

[TheRealJongoBong]

All this is good advice, thanks. My wife already escalated and told the police I was giving drugs and having sex with the boys across the street, as well as saying her phone is tapped. They investigated and found the allegations groundless, and suggested to me that she see a mental health professional. At least they now see her as somewhat of a crackpot.

I did go out and get a couple voice recorders to try and record what she says. Ironically, she stopped talking to me over the last few days so they haven't been much help. I decided to get small usb-stick recorders because they are less obtrusive as well as faster and easier to turn off and on.

I'm also preparing my escape strategy in case things get worse. I want to be able to leave the house on a moment's notice if I need to.  I've been communicating her activities to my and her relatives, and also to managers at work.

I'm sticking in the relationship for now because I can see the anguish that she's in and I'm hoping these incidents will get her into treatment, at least for her anxiety and paranoia. We'll see in a day or two what happens.

[OnceConfused]

Her calling the cop about you giving drugs and having sex with the boy accross the street was the epitome of BPD's craziness.

Like I said earlier : NOW BE EXTRA CAREFUL.

Just don't put yourself in a situation where she could claim that you physically assault or sexually assault her.

Use your smart phone with the video feature so that you can film her as proof that you did not do the bad things she claims.

[JQ]

Jongo,

I commend you for wanting to stick around because you see the anguish, frustration, the high anxiety she's currently going through.  You asked,  "Is this behavior what I should expect in the future?"  As we've discussed NOTHING is or will be NORMAL in a relationship with someone who has BPD.  IN addition to that, although it appears that most BPD have similar behavioral traits no two are alike so any guidance we could give you to answer your question is pure speculation on our part.  It does appear that she's raising the stakes and ramping up the crazy train behavior so like others in the group I would say protect yourself.

You've already "stick recorders" because they're less obtrusive. I would also get use to operating your phone camera since we all seen the "video evidence" in the news as of late.  In addition since the police have been called & have suggested to get her help, I'm sure they gave you one of their cards. Instead of being reactive, I would be proactive and contact them to see who you could talk to as she escalates the behavior so to protect yourself. Have you see Gone Girl with Ben Aflick?  It's scary to watch because of her behavior ... .they don't come out and say she's BPD ... .but damnnnn it's close.  At one point, she decides to start to frame him. She takes a hammer and hits herself in the check bone with it to give herself a black eye then take pictures of it as "evidence" for the police of spousal abuse. She does other things to build this "spousal abuse" case. Then she fakes her death and he's framed for it. SOO ... .be careful ... .not saying that's going to happen ... .but something less severe like "spousal" abuse could happen. My second ex-wife actually through herself down the stairs in her first marriage at one point. It's why I like ranches ... .no stairs  

AS far as her getting help ... .we can't talk to them and tell them they need help ... .they need counseling ... .they'll rage against you and nothing good comes after that. But sometime in the future that only YOU can determined when it is a no win situation, what do you have to lose by sitting the boundary and tell her that she'll need to go to therapy for you to continue the relationship. It's a boundary that you need to set ... .& IMHO, other boundaries need to be set and the sooner the better.

As we've learned BPDs like structor even though they'll rage & fight you on it, they actually crave, need & certainly require boundaries not unlike that 3 year old toddler.  You set boundaries with the 3 year old to obtain acceptable behavior ... .the same is required of BPDs. If you set a boundary with a 3 year old such as, "If you yell & throw a tantrum because you have to stop playing to come into eat dinner, you won't be able to go out in play for 2 days.  They certainly understand, and if anyone has seen a toddler after a boundary was in place they'll test you to see if your serious. They'll continue to test your boundaries until they understand that if they do XYZ, then ABC will happen. You'll get a 3 yr old toddler that behaves better ... .NOT PERFECT ... .but behaves better and in the process they'll learn to respect you. YOU, US, WE ALL need to set boundaries with our BPD in order to limit bad behavior. NOTE! I said LIMIT bad behavior ... .NOT eliminate all together bad behavior. You need to learn to set boundaries ... .start with baby steps. You need to sit down and write down what behavior you would like to modify ... .then you need to write down the consequences if she does it. Then you need to follow through with the consequences.  Then come back here, bounce some ideas off the group if she does xyz ... .CDE happens ... .what do you guys think? But in the end, you have to be the one who can live with the rules you put in place. Will it work overnight ... .OH HELL NO!  SHE WILL TEST YOU AGAIN & AGAIN!  BUT ... .once she realizes that there are consequences to bad behavior it MIGHT encourage her to change her bad behavior.  And like that 3 year old toddler, she'll start to respect you ... .and more importantly you'll learn to respect yourself a little more.  It's the carrot or the stick approach ... .you can attact more bee's with honey then vinegar approach.  What do you have to lose at this point? Her behavior is starting to escalate so this might mean she's starting to disrespect you more and more ... .you need to put boundaries back in.  I will tell you that the boundaries I have put in place with my exBPDgf is working ... .I've actually tested her with one boundary and she didn't react ... .so I know it works and I'm much happier with myself. and I believe she respect me a bit more for sticking to my principals ... .I mean do you respect your boss, dad, s/o if they continue to either disrespect you or someone else? Not really ... .like I said what do you have to lose at this point?

BUT ... .KEEP recording, protect yourself ... .always protect yourself.

J

[TheRealJongoBong]

How does one actually video record one's wife with a cell phone? Do I walk around with it on and pointing in her face all the time? I'm not trying to be facetious, I just don't see how it's practical. If a situation pops up that looks bad I will pull my phone out, hopefully I'll get something out of that.

My main problem right now is getting her to communicate. From appearances I've become the trigger for her, everything I say or even my presence affects her. I'm going to see if her family can make any headway, and if that doesn't help I will have to seriously consider GTFO.

[OnceConfused]

how to record video with a cell phone in a subtle way?

First, you need to practice . How to find the right button for the camera then hit the video button. Don't raise your hand and point the back of the phone (where the lense is) toward BPD, because that is too obvious. you can hold the phone with your hand RELAXED at waist level and the lense pointing out. Use your palm to hide the on screen video recording.

THe more evidence you can collect about her instability , the better you can protect yourself.

you are right about GTFO. To me calling the police and allege to  them you are having sex with a boy is way beyond the RED LINE. Do you know that having sex with a minor could put you in jail for 10 or more years and be registered for life as child molester ? That allegation can destroy your life and reputation. Don't take her actions lightly.

The longer you are in this environment I am afraid the more exposure you will have to similar accusations. NOT GOOD AT ALL , my friend . I don't care how much you love her, but being in jail should not be a part of your plan.

[TheRealJongoBong]

I got home and she's talking to me. She said it didn't go down like that.She says she didn't call the police (which the police said ). She says they came over because the kid across the street was making up stories and they wanted to investigate. She says they also said that she was to stay away from this kid, and that they would call me to tell me the same thing. She says the policeman who talked to me got it all wrong.

At least that,'s what I remember she said. I had two recorders on at the time so hopefully I can tell what was really said. And I need to get the police report. For my sanity.

[JQ]

I got home and she's talking to me. She said it didn't go down like that.She says she didn't call the police (which the police said ). She says they came over because the kid across the street was making up stories and they wanted to investigate. She says they also said that she was to stay away from this kid, and that they would call me to tell me the same thing. She says the policeman who talked to me got it all wrong.

At least that,'s what I remember she said. I had two recorders on at the time so hopefully I can tell what was really said. And I need to get the police report. For my sanity.

Jongo,

Dude, Onceconfused IS SPOT FREAKING ON!  She has raised it to a new level ... .going to jail for anyone isn't good ... .unless they're sitting next to you saying damn that was fun!  Do you really want to get labeled a sex offender? Register everywhere you move too? They have an app to find out where  they are in neighborhood. In the words of Maverick to Goose ... .EJECT EJECT EJECT!   I'm in agreement with Onceconfused on this one ... .No amount of loving her is worth this ... .she' not ready to help yourself ... .you can't help her. YOU CAN SAVE EVERY PUPPY IN THE POUND!   They have to want to get help for themselves and and she's not in the right frame of mind to want to do that for herself.

She's not remembering things correctly ... .everything is becoming a fantasy in her world right or wrong ... .accusations ... .calling the police ... .if it was me or Onceremoved in your position what would you be advising us?  I mean my 1st BPD threaten to kill me ... .not put me in jail for child molestation ... .which can be much worse considering you probably won't make it to the end of a sentence no matter if it's 48 hours or 48 years.  You my friend need to seek out professional assistance on this one ... .talk to a counselor ... .a therapist ... .a head doc and get their professional opinion ... .I'm genuine concern for your overall well-being. Contact a lawyer while you're at it just to start the process ... .an hour consultation is usually free. I DO NOT want to watch on the news about some guy who's girlfriend went BATSH!T crazy and cut a body part off before she boiled you in the back yard.

Be safe ... .keep checking in to let the group know you're ok.

J

[TheRealJongoBong]

Thanks J and OnceConfused, I know you're right, but I have to get the police report today for my own sanity, to prove to myself that I'm not the one who's crazy. It's just very hard to give up that last thread of denial that my life for the last ten years was a complete fabrication, that the person who I thought loved me really doesn't care at all, and actually wants to harm me.

Maybe I should just take that pot of boiling water in the back yard, it would be a lot quicker.

[JQ]

Thanks J and OnceConfused, I know you're right, but I have to get the police report today for my own sanity, to prove to myself that I'm not the one who's crazy. It's just very hard to give up that last thread of denial that my life for the last ten years was a complete fabrication, that the person who I thought loved me really doesn't care at all, and actually wants to harm me.

Maybe I should just take that pot of boiling water in the back yard, it would be a lot quicker.

Jongo,

Ok, it's early in the morning hear, I'm having my first cup of coffee ... .and I'm trying to make since of your comment,  "Maybe I should just take that pot of boiling water in the back yard, it would be a lot quicker."      Umm ... .NOTHING IS WORTH THAT.  There are 7,859,428,948 billion people in the world ... .I'm pretty sure there are other fish in the sea. I completely understand how you feel after my first encounter with my 1st BPD ex ... .you love her with everything, heart, mind, soul ... .I get that. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! She has a severe behavioral illness that happened loong before you showed up in the picture ... .if she doesn't want to help herself ... .no amount of begging, pleading, wishing, wanting her to go is going to make her go to get help. YOU ARE NOT THE CRAZY ONE HERE!  But I also understand what you're talking about. I really do.

The last 10 years was not a fabrication ... .there were times that were good ... .that she was more lucid ... .more even keel ... .but as time past, things became worse to use your words. This happens sometimes ... .remember the 3 C's brother. This doesn't mean you're weak, or that you failed or that you love her any less then you did 10 years ago. It means that you know that you can't CURE her. As things steadily got worse you know if you look objectively at the situation that you can't CONTROL it. Remember the 30 day makes a habit rule too. Things will get better ... .you know they will ... .you've told others in a bad situation the same thing it's just that this time it's happening to you. You're not the crazy one here my friend.

No amount of love will cure her, you can love her as much as you want but that's never going to make her get better. You know as well as anyone she needs professional help before she hurts you any further that will have lifetime consequences ... .or hurt someone else. In some small way I still care about my first exBPDgf from 20 years ago, it's normal, it's called being human. But with her BATSH!T crazy swings, her violent swings, her connections with the local police, there is no way I could ever go back to her no matter how good the sex was ... .which made me think ... .was it about the sex more then actually loving her. She is a nice person, huge heart, kind at times, carefree & lives life as much as she can. BUT the price she pays is BPD. She's currently lives with 1 bf for the last 17 years ... .and has a backup boy toy for 15 plus years. One she lives with, one she has "porn sex" with. How do I know? Damn dude she told me a few months ago when I was in town taking care of family. She told me that she would rather have that porn sex with me and did whatever she could to try & make it happen but my knowledge of BPD and knowing that things would go BATSH!T crazy at any giving time prevented the situation from happening. IT'S NOT WORTH IT!  As I said, i care for her, I wish she would accept the fact she has a serious behavioral illness & to seek help for herself ... .  but it's never ... .let me repeat that NEVER going to happen and for that I'm sad. She's can be a wonderful person, but when Dr. Jeckle goes away & MS Hyde comes out it's a very scary situation. I was so close to ruining my life with her ... .I can't believe how lucky I am. I know the pain you feel, but giving time it too will get better ... .you will move on ... .you will enjoy life ... .you will be happy.

J

[OnceConfused]

you are proceeding on the right path. Getting the police report will help clarifying at least in your mind her story or lack thereof.

I know it is hard to detach from someone that has been so close and intimate to us. Of my part, I knew something seriously was not right with my r.s with the xBPDgf, and I was not happy, but it still took me about 4 weeks of meditation, listening to motivational cds. writing down the + and - of the r.s, where it was heading. Even in the last seconds as I sat there ready to pull the trigger, I had to give it a last attempt. I asked her about seeking some help and immediately she looked away, turned ice cold. I finally realized that  she would not change. I then calmly said ,"good bye", got up and left her house. The following days were heard as I had to restart again my search for new r.s. but leaving BPD was the best decision I had.

This line from the book TAO said it well:

"You gain by losing ... .".

I indeed have gained so much in life (my happiness, the welfare of my children, my business) by losing the BPD"

Remember, we do change. Your wife of day 1 might not the same one of day 3650, as the desease progresses.

[TheRealJongoBong]

I got my police report. It clearly states that it was my wife who contacted the police, and it also clearly states that she accused me of "selling drugs and having sexual relations with the young boys in the neighborhood". These statements are in complete contradiction to what she told me - that she didn't contact the police and that the story was made up by the kid across the street. I've got her response recorded so I know I'm also correct on that.

So she lies to the police about me, and then she lies to me about what happened. Or, as she told me once, "I only tell the truth as I see it". Everybody's right, it's time for me to GTFO.

[JQ]

I got my police report. It clearly states that it was my wife who contacted the police, and it also clearly states that she accused me of "selling drugs and having sexual relations with the young boys in the neighborhood". These statements are in complete contradiction to what she told me - that she didn't contact the police and that the story was made up by the kid across the street. I've got her response recorded so I know I'm also correct on that.

So she lies to the police about me, and then she lies to me about what happened. Or, as she told me once, "I only tell the truth as I see it". Everybody's right, it's time for me to GTFO.

Jongo,

If & when you contact a therapist or counselor to show her lost contact with what is reality & what isn't be sure to take those items with you. And if & when you contact your lawyer be sure to take those items as well ... .it'll help in the divorce issues. I don't know what state you live in, but each state has very different laws on divorce. A shipmate of mine wanted to divorce in Virginia, by law they have to live in separate domiciles for a full 12 months. If either party spends 48 hours in the others domicile the 12 month clock starts over.  In other states, you can be done within 60 days of filing. So everything you can do to support your side is going to help you no matter where you are.

Stay strong brother ... .take a deep breath ... .hang out with some buddies this weekend & have a beer & a burger ... .you might need their help in the near future.

Joke of the day ... .If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!       Come on ... .got to keep you sense of humor.   

J