Need help getting my daughter to want help

[LRescue]

I want my daughter who is 32 to seek help... .how do I talk to her

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[AVR1962]

Has your daughter been diagnosed, and if so, does she accept it? Is she aware of any problems? Do the two of you talk?

What we see as problematic is not usually an issue for BPs and therefore they only see that we are the ones with the issue. Example, my 34 year old BPS daughter, diagnosed when she was 18, at first accepted her diagnosis but quickly rejected it and has since made it very clear to me that her counselors since said she should have never been diagnosed with BPD, that the counselor had not spent enough time with her to give hr the diagnosis and that basically her issues are me and how I treated her, how I abused her, etc. I've read the books, spoke with my counselors and been in online support groups for parents of BPDs for many years and everything points to BPD.

My daughter has never been able to hold a job and when her children were small I just hoped and prayed that one of them would not turn up dead. She used to live near family and they would tell me all kinds of stories about how she wasn't taking care of her children. She just sat on the couch and texted and watched TV all day. Now the kids are 9-15 and they are the ones who take care of the house to include doing laundry, if you can even imagine. She does not cook, this is her husband's responsibility. Yet, she sees herself as a wonderful mom and I was not.

There is no way to help anyone like this. I have tried for years to support her, listening to her, giving hr pats on the back, letting hr know she is capable, trying to build her up but not telling her what to do or how to live. She will take one little thing from the past, or even something she sees now, and turn it and twist i and then go to her supporters with this twisted version of my offense towards her or whoever she is trying to play against me and she will speak it like it is the truth to show how awful I am and how much she has been a victim to me. It's enough to make a sane person insane! There is absolutely nothing I can do about this and if you are dealing with the same, you cannot help your daughter.

Unless she sees an issue you cannot make her see her own issues.

[OutOfEgypt]

AVR1962, this helped me with my post.  Thank you.

you wrote... .

My daughter has never been able to hold a job and when her children were small I just hoped and prayed that one of them would not turn up dead. She used to live near family and they would tell me all kinds of stories about how she wasn't taking care of her children. She just sat on the couch and texted and watched TV all day. Now the kids are 9-15 and they are the ones who take care of the house to include doing laundry, if you can even imagine. She does not cook, this is her husband's responsibility. Yet, she sees herself as a wonderful mom and I was not.

This sounds exactly like my ex-wife.  I was the one cooking (and doing everything else).  And now she still tells everyone what a b**tard I am, claiming I abusively told her over and over that she was not a good mom.  I never did.  I wouldn't dare to.

[lbjnltx]

Hi LRescue,

Have you seen this article or watched the video series by Dr. Amadore?  I think it will give you some idea of how to slowly and confidently build the kind of trusting relationship needed to help your daughter make a decision about seeking treatment:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

lbjnltx