How do you avoid the BPD toxicity?

[Cat Familiar]

So I'm using the lessons and the dysregs have diminished. But the crummy mood remains with regular sighing, swearing, feeling sorry for himself for insignificant issues like tax information arriving later than expected.

It's not pleasant to be around him and I do have a separate life with friends and activities, but since he's retired, I do see him a lot.

How do you manage to not get infected by the chronic moodiness and depression?

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[vortex of confusion]

The easiest way to not get infected is to learn to ignore it.

I know that is much easier said than done. I am still learning to ignore his moodiness. The bad thing is that it isn't anything huge. It is small annoying stuff that gets under my skin. Like you say, the sighs and odd remarks here and there to let those around him know that he isn't happy without coming right out and saying a word.

Validate where you can and ignore the rest.

[waverider]

Can't avoid it completely, having your own life, as you have helps.

I find that seeing it for what it is, understanding that it is frustrating you, being aware of of how it is affecting you rather than what he is actually doing. Disengage, distract or whatever actions you take based on how you are feeling, rather than what he is doing.

Make the trigger for your actions your own feelings rather than his actions. This lowers the resentment and increases the ability to accept the way he is. No amount of frustration is going to change things. Making the obvious link between his actions and your reactions will just cement the conflict, to the point you will come across as hostile. Then it just escalates into who is provoking who.

I understand the effect constant sighing has. But it will have become a habit to the point it has little meaning.

[Cat Familiar]

Thanks, Vortex and Waverider.

I've learned to ignore the neighbor's Guinea fowl, who make incredibly loud noise. Neighbors on both parcels on either side of us have them, and the two groups meet up on our land for a Guinea party every day. I've actually grown to like them--they're incredibly silly birds that run really fast, as though they have an agenda, yet are so stupid that I have to stop my truck so that I don't run them over when they're sitting in the driveway. They do a service in that I haven't seen a rattlesnake all summer.

So, I guess all those grunts and sighs and swear words he mutters have a service too. It's a way he can let off steam.

I'm going to focus on how I feel, rather than inquire what's up with him, as I have habitually done. If I don't respond to the stimuli, it should eventually fade away.

Yes, and definitely, you're right, waverider, I've made the mistake of linking my irritation to those grumblings and mumblings and it has set the scene for a dysregulation later.

The Guinea fowl from one neighbor have recently decided they're living on our land and started roosting at night in the trees in our goat and sheep pasture, very near the house. If I can find them amusing, I can certainly learn to ignore the static from my husband.

[vortex of confusion]

The Guinea fowl from one neighbor have recently decided they're living on our land and started roosting at night in the trees in our goat and sheep pasture, very near the house. If I can find them amusing, I can certainly learn to ignore the static from my husband.

You can also learn to find his static amusing as well. On my good days, I tend to chuckle at how ridiculous his behavior is because it is so much like a petulant child. On my bad days, I get annoyed and angry and let him get to me.

[Cat Familiar]

The Guinea fowl from one neighbor have recently decided they're living on our land and started roosting at night in the trees in our goat and sheep pasture, very near the house. If I can find them amusing, I can certainly learn to ignore the static from my husband.

You can also learn to find his static amusing as well. On my good days, I tend to chuckle at how ridiculous his behavior is because it is so much like a petulant child. On my bad days, I get annoyed and angry and let him get to me.

OK, my plan of action is next time he starts mumbling and sighing, I'm going to picture him as a Guinea hen and try not to laugh.

[vortex of confusion]

OK, my plan of action is next time he starts mumbling and sighing, I'm going to picture him as a Guinea hen and try not to laugh.

It is juvenile but it works.

Something else that I have done is make faces at him when he isn't looking. It is very juvenile but I have had to find silly ways to make myself laugh and keep myself sane. He will sigh and mumble and grumble and I will just stick my tongue out at him after he turns around and walks away. 

[Cat Familiar]

Something else that I have done is make faces at him when he isn't looking. It is very juvenile but I have had to find silly ways to make myself laugh and keep myself sane. He will sigh and mumble and grumble and I will just stick my tongue out at him after he turns around and walks away. 

That reminds me of something I think it was Jedimaster did: flipping off while having hands in jeans pockets. These are all brilliant suggestions that I will add to my arsenal of self preservation strategies. 

I tried the concerned and compassionate replies and that has bitten me in the butt.

[sempervivum]

The Guinea fowl from one neighbor have recently decided they're living on our land and started roosting at night in the trees in our goat and sheep pasture, very near the house. If I can find them amusing, I can certainly learn to ignore the static from my husband.

You can also learn to find his static amusing as well. On my good days, I tend to chuckle at how ridiculous his behavior is because it is so much like a petulant child. On my bad days, I get annoyed and angry and let him get to me.

This is exactly how I feel. Anyway, as long as I can find something funny after a day or two, it is good.

[CrazyChuck]

I found out laughing is not good. I was drinking a glass of water. Wife looked at me and acted like she was drinking water, with her hand, and started yelling "gulp gulp gulp, I hate the way you drink!". I just started laughing. She said "I'm a ****ing joke to you?". I just kept laughing. It really escalated after that. My laughing didn't help at all.

[Jessica84]

Cat - mine is a grump too. The hopeless depressed victim. Nonstop negativity. I don't see him as a hen (good one btw  )... .instead, I find myself pretty grateful that my life doesn't suck as bad as he thinks his does. I'm like, whew, glad I don't have his (purely imagined) problems! 

Chuck - yep, when we started dating, his behaviors were so ridiculous and bizarre I thought he was being funny. He played it off for awhile when I would laugh. So the first time he went from 0 to 666 I honestly thought he was joking. He wasn't.   I finally figured out I was pulling the pin out of the grenade unknowingly... .so laughing about it sure blew up in my face!

[Cat Familiar]

So I've been ignoring the various vocalizations and sighs and leaving the room to do some task when he starts spewing his negativity. What I've realized is that so much of it, thought it's in my presence, is not directed at me. Well maybe it's directed at me in that he wants sympathy.

It's been easier to ignore than I realized. I just think, "Squawk, squawk, squawk," just like the Guinea hens and then I smile inwardly.

I guess the most difficult part is that I feel like I'm just distancing myself further from him and that what I thought I needed to do to be a good marriage partner is probably the exact opposite of how I need to behave with a pwBPD. Any thoughts on this?

[SurfNTurf]

I have enjoyed the tips in this thread. I think the whole "One Day At A Time" philosophy applies here. I can think only of this day. For this day, I can take care of myself, ignore the toxic behaviors, laugh at them (not while he's around, of course), and so on. It also hinges on how I am doing  this day; am I too tired, too hungry, too sleepy? Am I missing my friends or family? If I am any of these things, I do not cope as well as when I am at my best.

I've also learned that when the 'honeymoon' behavior emerges it, too, is transient - enjoy it while it lasts, because it won't. Example: Recently my uBPDhusb had surgery and was laid up. Well, you can guess the "I love you's" were coming from him every day (hadn't heard it in at least six months) and the teasing and flirting came up, and the "thank you's" actually came out to play. As soon as he was up on his feet again, he was his old negative, moody, depressing, downer self. In fact, his comment to me was, "If I didn't behave like a turd, you wouldn't know what to do with yourself." (I'd like to hear what the moderators think of that statement.)

So, keep reminding yourself they are emotionally immature, like a two year old, they figure out what you want and then won't comply, you have to always take care of yourself. Boundaries. Let them suffer the consequences of their choices/behaviors.

[Jessica84]

I have also found that most typical relationship advice is the exact OPPOSITE for a BPD relationship. Advice I've gotten here is invaluable. Cosmo doesn't have a clue. I read a piece with all these tips like "Surprise him with xyz" (dinner, tickets, lingerie, whatever). Umm... .clearly the author never tried to surprise a pwBPD with anything. Usually doesn't go so well... .

[Cat Familiar]

Jessica, that's so true about surprises. I've never seen such an unappreciative reaction to gifts as I have experienced with my husband. 

My newest strategy is playing dumb when he tries to guilt me. Today he went grocery shopping and tried to make me feel bad by saying with a glum face and a grumpy tone: "I'm going to get some steaks that hopefully will be fancy enough for you."

It's hilarious because my criteria is "grass fed beef" and the store that sells that kind of beef is about three miles further away, yet for him, it's such a big deal.

He should be happy that I'd even eat meat, since I was a vegetarian most of my life.

I think part of it is that he feels guilty since I've been doing all of the cooking for the last few weeks. He can manage to make dinner a couple of times a month and it's always this big ordeal and he tries to guilt trip me so much.

It used to really annoy me because of the unfairness and inequality. To be fair, he does take me out to dinner a couple of nights a week. And when he cooks, he makes a terrible mess in the kitchen.

So tonight I'm just going to be a happy idiot and completely ignore his attempts to make me feel guilty. So funny. Really pathetic what must be going on in their minds to make them want to share their misery with the people who love them--like I should feel bad too just because he is making dinner.