dammed if you do and dammed if you don't

[mother in law]

Some history. We see gd aged 12 every week.  We pick her up from school and take her home to BPD mother.  Over the course of a few years we have had many texts to say gd must be delivered at the alloted time (usually happens on our part, but she is often late so we wait we always notify but she doesn't), we must notify her (the mother) of all changes ( that's reasonable but there aren't many but we do, she often never replies and when gd wanted to only come every 2nd week due to other commitments mother said she had to go cause it suited mother.  The latest text after I explained via text that we couldn't guarantee gd getting home on time this week due to our commitments what did she want to do ie keep gd home or send hert out with us was "don't contact me I would rather you contact gd". I had actually had a talk with gd and she said would I ask mummy because of previous history.

Don't know whether this means forever for every decision or just this time. At 12 we try not to involve gd in this.Have not replied to this text as I thought I would sit on it a while as what ever you say however you say it gets a reply of "don't abuse me".

Am soo over the games,  the games and rules changing. We are dammed if we do and dammed if we don't! ! How do we handle this?

[Thunderstruck]

We get this alllll the time from uBPDbm. She'll say to do one thing, then change the rules, then say we're abusing her when we try to communicate. It's all hooey. Just keep consistent.

I agree with you that it is best to keep GD out of the decision making. It's not her job to be the adult here, it's BPDmom's job.

I don't know that offering them choices ever works. You'd like to think that you're being considerate, but they usually just use it to create drama. If BPDmom doesn't answer, being more firm like "If I don't get your answer by X time then I'm going to do this... ." would probably work. Then at that time send a message "I haven't received your reply, so I will be doing ___ this afternoon."