Two Questions; 1) I am getting concerned that she will go radical on me and hurt her own position just to spite mine. I am considering giving up my claim, accepting her offer just to be done with the matter. This does not feel good to me but neither does shelling out money to lawyers who have charged me a fortune so far to file paperwork and have a 4-way meeting. So, even though my wife is very frugal in many ways, she appears ready to do battle even if it means her losing more money to attorneys than what I am simply asking for. Is it possible that she gets really delusional and the battle in her mind begins to take on a life of its own and I could be sorry for stirring the proverbial hornets nest?
One thing to consider is that BPD behaviors do not tend to end when an agreement is reached. Bill Eddy (author of Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a NPD/BPD Spouse) talks about three different types of high conflict personalities: generally cooperative, not dangerous; not cooperative, not dangerous; and not cooperative, dangerous. So even among BPD and divorce there can be a range. And even if BPD wasn't involved, people tend to regress during divorce, and lawyers work for an adversarial system, so even if you stand a chance to settle (relatively) amicably, lawyers want to represent their clients best interest, and that can fuel fires that weren't even burning.
My BPD ex was not cooperative, dangerous -- I gave him the house. It took three trips to court and thousands of dollars in legal fees to get him to refinance the house and take ownership. I had wanted to walk away and not fight about the house, and I also had some concern about his well-being, and put it ahead of my own. It was a big mistake looking back, although there was no way I could've predicted the level of negative engagement we experienced. Also -- my ex is an attorney and represented himself. It cost him nothing to fight in court -- your situation is different, although it sounds like your ex has no issue spiting herself.
I think more important than what you agree to/don't agree to with BPD settlement offers is to think carefully about your leverage, and if you don't have any, then think very, very carefully about the language in the order to make sure everything is buttoned up tight. That means making sure there are very clear consequences for non-compliance, which often happens with a BPD ex spouse. This might include things like "if BPD ex fails to pay by day/date, any legal fees incurred by joe will be paid by BPD ex." Lawyers are not motivated to think about consequences -- you'll have to push for that.
If you're going through cash, are there ways you can save money with your L? Draft your own orders, work directly with a junior partner, offer to do your own copies, pick things up there instead of having them mailed.
2) Part of my settlement is a need to take care of myself and part of is trying to correct my old behavior by doing the right thing for myself now. Is there any rule of thumb or guideline I can think through to help process my own decision?
What a great question. I would think that a lot depends on the
emotional/psychological stage of divorce that you find yourself. Keep in mind that you will grow and heal from this, and in many ways, the guiding star will be your values. I made a lot of tactical mistakes in my divorce, some I really regret and others were big lessons learned and boosted my confidence. I'm grateful that I can look back and see how steady my values were, even when they were just a whisper. Also, a big part of healing from divorce is learning to be kind and gentle with yourself,
especially when you make mistakes.
Here is some good advice from an article we have on the site:
Settling Out of Court.A case can only be resolved by an agreement or by a trial. To reach an agreement, both parties have to be willing to make compromises. Parties who are rational and reasonable want to end the adversarial process which is both emotionally and financially costly, as quickly as possible, and not prolong it. However, when dealing with a high conflict person, it is often unlikely that a settlement can be reached, or at least, not until there has been a great deal of emotional and financial expense because these individuals are not rational or reasonable.
High conflict people are not good at negotiation because of their all-or-nothing thinking. They will refuse to compromise to avoid feeling abandoned and/or they feel that they are superior and should receive much more than is reasonable. At the samebtime, the high conflict person will pressure the other party to give them much more than a court would give them because of the high conflict party’s belief they were abandoned or are superior. When trying to settle with the high conflict person, you may also encounter “oppositional withholding.” In oppositional withholding, if there is something that the other party wants, no matter how small or insignificant, the high conflict person will not agree to let them have it, thereby delaying resolution of the case. At the same time, giving in and making concessions will often not expedite getting the case finalized. Instead, by givingbin to the high conflict person’s unreasonable demands, you may have just set a dangerous precedent which will only fuel the high conflict person to make more unreasonable demands. So, while it is tempting to just give in, long term resolution is not reached by this method.
In the event that you are able to reach a settlement out of court, then it is critical that the agreement be written in an enforceable manner and as specific and as detailed as possible. By doing so, you can avoid the high conflict person trying to change or add terms to the agreement and causing delay in getting the order entered. Also, your attorney will need to draft the agreement with the thought that the high conflict person will try and violate the agreed to terms.
