Thank you Kwamina
My husband's extended family members have been sweet and loving towards me, however they do their sister's bidding for her after she pressures them to. My MIL is the oldest sister of theirs. Because of this, I am leery of the visit and feel like they'll be mostly normal but it'll be the "elephant in the room" type of thing most of the time. They will most likely want to enjoy time together but will probably make some type of comment or question about the NC and try to influence. We cannot stop them from doing that but my husband and I are united in that we don't wish to discuss anything with anyone in his family about the NC. We respect their right to have a relationship with her and don't want to bring anyone into it. We just are so through with the drama that we wish to have our own enjoyable relationship with all of my husband's family, without discussion of my husband's mother at all.
Thanks so much for the articles you provided. All are helpful. My husband doesn't wish to take a soft approach with his family, just wants to say "we're not here to talk about her" if they bring the topic up about his mother. He said he wants most of all to avoid having to be in the same room as her and being in that situation at all--doesn't want to be the cause of family drama. If it came down to it and someone told her of our visit and she was there he wishes to just get me and the children in the car and get out of there asap without talking to his mother. My husband wishes to go during Thanksgiving since most of the family will be together. His family knows there is something wrong with her, however they are all enmeshed tightly with her and all have some of their own dysfunction going on. They usually treat my husband and me and the kids pretty well, it only gets weird/awkward when they do MIL's bidding.
I definitely feel nervous about it, especially that it's during the holidays. I like drama free holidays which are never possible in that side of the family. I understand my husband's wishes and want to support him. I think if we and the children agree that if the topic of MIL comes up, we say the same thing''we're not here to talk about her,". He said if it comes up a second time we would then leave and go back to our hotel room or somewhere else away from the family. My main worry is that his family will corner myself or the kids to try to pick our brain about the NC to see what info they can get or give.
I wonder if our expectations are realistic and if our boundary plan is effective? We expect that the extended family will treat us very well, and will make one attempt or two to try to bring up the NC and give their opinion. We will follow through on saying we aren't there to discuss that and change the subject. If it gets brought up again we will excuse ourselves from the visit for that day. My husband spent a lot of time with his aunts growing up and they treat him like their son, so I expect they will at least once try to bring it up. His grandfather probably won't bring it up, and he definitely knows how she can be. The other concern would just be that the family would tell her about our visit and try to get her there to reunite with us. My husband doesn't wish to come unannounced so his family can have time to prepare for our visit, but doesn't want to give them 2 weeks' notice or more incase they would let his mom know and his mom would show up. I would like to never have to see her face again, and neither does my husband or children. The risk is that we can't control the extended family's behaviors, only our own. She lives states away so I think if we gave 3-5 days notice, it would be enough that she wouldn't be there.
Can you please let me know your opinion of our plans? I realize that we haven't really done work on the support and empathy and truth, and are pretty hard-nosed about it. It is because in the past one of his aunts tried to talk to us about my MIL and we did do SET with her and she didn't hold our trust in confidence. My MIL had heard words that had somewhere along the way gotten all twisted up and she was so angry with us. After that, we felt betrayed and don't want to be in this situation with her again. Since NC we get 2-3 attempts from her and her sisters or my BIL per year and we don't respond to any of the phone calls or emails in relation to MIL. We do continue to stay in touch with extended family in our usual ways, sending cards, notes, and calling if it doesn't have to do with MIL.
The biggest reason we want to visit is because my husband's grandpa is getting older and we haven't seen him in so long. We want to see him, and his wife and have the kids spend time with him too. We won't feel "on guard" with Grandpa because he never stirs up drama. It will be nice to see the aunts and cousins and will only feel a bit on guard with the aunts and it won't be the whole time.
Do you have any thoughts, further advice or questions? Thank you so much for any more you can provide.
