BPD Magnet

[Lovingthem]

I married about 3 years ago at 44 and started haveing PTSD symptoms shortly after when I realized my new step daughter now 18 1/2 yrs old had BPD behaviors. I recognized these because I gree up with a sister that had BPD (whom I love very much). Im still not sure if my husband has BPD traits or if he has just been traumatized from being married to a truley narcasistic woman for 14 years. I have also questioned my own sanity for still being married to this genuinely kind man because he doesnt seem to grasp the reality of what we are dealing with.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi Lovingthem

Welcome to bpdfamily  Dealing with PTSD can be quite tough, are you getting help for your PTSD symptoms?

It seems you have multiple people in your life with BPD (traits). That can really take its toll on you, that's why I'm glad you are reaching out for support here. Do you feel like your stepdaughter acknowledges that there might be something wrong with her behavior?

It's unfortunate that your husband isn't able or willing to grasp what is going on here. Do you feel like he is in denial or perhaps more that he doesn't want to take action against his daughter? How would you describe the relationship he has with his daughter?

[Lovingthem]

My step daughter does recognize something is wrong and we have her in therapy. I also have a birth daugter who was recovering from some trauma and a a concussion at the time I was married. My step daughter drove me crazy trying to overdo any issues and constantly forcing herself into the spotlight. SD was starting public highschool after attending private elementary and middle school. My birth daughter had a hard time attending school due to severe anxiety so my step daughter tried to fight going to school as well. She was constantly comparing herself to my BD which was frustrating because they were very different and definitley had different issues. SD started seeing a counselour at the school welness center and one day said she was afraid she would step infront of a bus so was sent to outpatient hospitol where she was diagnosed with adhd, depression and anxiety and was told she was too dramatic which is how she comes across. She transitioned back into school and continued to see the school counselour with out much progress.  During this time my relationship suffered greatly with my husband because he would fall victim to my SD's behaviours and anger towards me for setting boundaries. The whole time my SD's behavior screamed BPD to me due to having an understanding of the disorder after growing up with a sister with BPD and spending years loving her and trying to help her by educating myself on BPD. So I finally convinced my husband to talk to my SD's counselour about Dialectic Behavior Therapy. The counselour called me a week later and said she had not heard of it so did some research and agreed this sounded like it would be good. So since the age of 15 she has been seeing a dbt counselour twice a week. It has helped her a lot but she still struggles when things change or there is stress in her life.

My husband understands she has been diagnosed with dbt but is not good with boundary setting and therfore continues to enable BPD behaviors which is frustrating. I worry about protecting my BD from the effects of living with a sister with BPD but she seems to be ok and is starting to understand. I honestly feel like I couod write a book about the craziness that comes along in the daily life with people with BPD

[Lovingthem]

My husbands ex is also extremely difficult and very similar to my SD and I have told she seems to be very narcasistic and maybe even borderline as well so sometime I wonder if SD's behaviours are somewhat learned. SD cut off her relationship with her mom three years ago and her counselour agreed it was best until SD could learn to deal with her mothers ways which caused SD extreme problems (sd's sister and brother admit their mom is mean and selfish but have not manifested the same issues that SD has).

Dealing with my husband is so difficult because be is so defensive and very passive. He says it is because if he doesnt deal with his ex the way he does she sill just make the kids life misserable so he does not set boundaries with her either.

I am basically the bad guy for having boundaries and am ok with that because i know they are necesarry.

Last summer my bd and I were attacked by some gang members randomly coming out if a store and have been recovering for the last year. Because of this I feel like I havent had the energy to deal with sd or ex and have pretty much isolated myself by staying in my room and no longer even making family meals. I dont know if I should leave and start over or stay because even though SD is almost 19 i know it will be a very slow process helping her be ome independent.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Lovingthem,

Last summer my bd and I were attacked by some gang members randomly coming out if a store and have been recovering for the last year. Because of this I feel like I havent had the energy to deal with sd or ex and have pretty much isolated myself by staying in my room and no longer even making family meals. I dont know if I should leave and start over or stay because even though SD is almost 19 i know it will be a very slow process helping her be ome independent.

I am sorry you had to deal with this horrible experience on top of all the other problems you are dealing with. This sounds like a very serious attack since you've been recovering for a year now. I hope your situation will improve in time

To help you deal with your stepdaughter, I suggest you take a look at the tools and lessons to the right of this message board. Boundaries and limits are indeed very important when dealing with a BPD child. There are also various communication techniques that can help such as validation and S.E.T... I encourage you to check these resources out and also encourage you to keep posting and share more of your story. We have many members here with children or stepchildren with BPD who will be able to relate to you.

Take care