Newcomer: 38yo daughter with BPD and Bipolar disorder

[Luvsinging]

Hello. I found this site and am hoping that it will be a place to vent and get some support. My daughter is 38 and has bipolar disorder. In the past, she has also been diagnosed with BPD. She is high functioning and we get along very well most of the time. We have both had therapy and have been in 12 step programs, so we share a toolbox to help us navigate our relationship and that has helped, but... .

She was sexually abused as a child by her father and is FURIOUS with me for not protecting her. I knew nothing about the abuse until after I was divorced (15 years ago) and she was in a treatment center and the memories emerged. Of course I was torn apart by her suffering, enraged at her dad, and terribly guilty that I had not seen it. My ex was very verbally and emotionally abusive to me and I was not aware that I was being abused until I got into a family treatment program for my son (a whole other story) and it was pointed out. As they say, denial is not just a river in Egypt. I recognized that he was "mean" (verbally) to the children at times, and even labeled it abuse (toward them) at one point, but NEVER imagined that he was molesting our daughter. She has never discussed it with me - except to tell me that it happened - and I have never asked her why she didn't say anything at the time. (My ex categorically denies it happened of course.) Lately (the last few years), when she gets upset with me for something, she pulls out her "you didn't protect me" club and beats me with it. I have stopped talking about it with her. I have told her innumerable times how sorry I am but there is nothing I can do to go back and change the past.

Thanks for letting me vent.

I wonder if anyone else out there has a daughter who was molested under her own roof by the husband/dad and was clueless?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Luvsinging,

I'm glad you are here telling us your story and looking for support.  I'm glad to hear that you and your daughter share a tool box and that it helps you both in your relationship.

I'm sad to learn about the sexual abuse by her bio dad and that  you are also an abuse survivor.  This is a lot to overcome and live with.

Has your daughter had specific therapy for the sexual abuse?  Have you also had therapy to deal with the guilt feelings of what happened to your daughter?  Might going to therapy together over this issue be something to consider? 

lbjnltx

[Luvsinging]

Thanks, lbjnltx. She has been in therapy off and on for the abuse and her bipolar disorder. She had some treatment specific to BPD when she was first diagnosed. It has been years since she has mentioned the BPD dx so I'm not sure she still recognizes it - or whether her current therapist has made the same dx. I had actually put it out of my mind since she was so well stabilized on her meds for the bipolar. But her most recent "attack" gave me an "aha" moment and I dug out the books on BPD. I had fourteen years of therapy for my own issues. We met together with her therapist once years ago and I have offered to do it again, but she is not willing. I think that right now I am grieving - again - the fact that she is mentally ill.

[lbjnltx]

Honestly, it has been my experience that our grieving process is ongoing.  We may have times of acceptance and then due to circumstance move back into accepting.

It's good that you acknowledge you are in grieving. Grieving a living person is sometimes referred to as "disenfranchised grief" so we often don't recognize that we are going through the process.  We have some info on the grieving process as it relates to mental illness.  I hope seeing it and reading how others are going through the process helps you. 

Grieving Mental Illness of a Loved One

lbj

[Mseltz]

I am so glad to hear you express GRIEF as an emotion that I, too, struggle with so often.  I was the Gene carrier for my 25 year old daughter's bipolar disorder and ADHD.  My alcohol abuse was my medication for my undiagnosed illness and after 20 years, the lid came off and I was publically fired from my job and prosecuted for larceny.  The media was at our house and all over the television.  As an already struggling 12 year old, this calamity set up the trauma which facilitated the onset of BPD.  I have learned through AA and a steady diet of the lessons of Christ and the Buddha to set aside the guilt.  We cannot change the past.  But I only recently became aware that I was grieving my daughter's suffering with mental illness and have been for years.  She keeps getting back up, dusting off, and doing her best to right the wrongs, even after countless failures and misfortunes.  I am so incredibly proud of her for it, but  God it is hard to watch.   I am unsure how to move through the necessary stages of grief when the cause of it is repeated over and over.  I sure do look for her victories, even just getting back up is counted, and make sure that we both recognize their significance.  What we CAN do is Celebrate the wins!  God bless

[Mseltz]

Thank you!  It is easy to take for granted the infrastructure when you don't understand it!

[AVR1962]

My BPD daughter (34) admitted to being sexually abused by her step brother who lived with us. The kids were raised as brother and sister, husband and I had fully custody of all the children. We were totally clueless.

My situation has a lot of twists and turns and it kind of boggles my mind. I too kicked myself for a long long time, I recounted every step of their childhood wondering how I missed this. I felt terrible as a mom. Daughter and I spent plenty of time talking and she was willing to give me detail, some hat were very hard to hear. The thing was is that at times with daughter I am great and then at times I am nobody and when I am nobody she starts with the hateful blaming scenarios. I asked her one time if she blamed me for the abuse and wished I had been there to protect her and her response was a very weak, insincere, "maybe." She has kept contact with her step brother who she said abused her for 5 years, another thing that has been hard for me to understand. Basically, I have concluded that the situation was probably more than likely a natural interest among young kids that went too far and she ended up being the one to want to stop it and he wouldn't so it became abuse but I think she felt guilty and she tried to hide it from me because I believe at one point it was mutual.

Your situation is a bit different and it is good that you can talk. I hope your daughter can get the help she needs to overcome her blame for you. I wish I would have known as I would have stopped it in my daughter situation. I hope your daughter can one day realize that you too would have never tolerated your husband doing this to her.

[Mseltz]

I just noticed the response to grieving from a veteran member.  I never heard of disenfranchised grieving, but just knowing that my pain is real, normal and shared by others in my shoes is a gift.  I am so so grateful for the post and the responses