Our new pet has helped our r/s immensely

[formflier]

From time to time... I'll post about things that seem to be working to improve our r/s.  

This is one of them... .and to be clear... .I'm not advocating for everyone to get a pet... .I was suspicious and against it at first... .I was wrong.

Here is the story.

As many of you know... .we have 8 kids.  My wife has spent a good deal of her adult life holding a small baby in her arms.  That is very familiar... .comforting... .and normal to her.

We ended up in a place in our life (remember the dog issues... .dog fights... and dog biting neighbor)... where we didn't have a dog.

Soon my wife was wanting one... but she wanted a small dog (we have always had large dogs).  I was very concerned about getting a little YAPPY thing.

One day... .I had tested the waters a bit... .and my wife seemed to be in a good... centered mood.

I brought out my trusty... "Help me understand... ."  and it worked like gold.  We sat on the couch... I made sure to keep a hand on my wife (touch is her love language)... .and I tried to stay quiet (mostly... .)... .(this can be a struggle for me... )

Well... it turned into a very intimate conversation... .

Turns out... .my wife has lots of fear and anxiety about never having another baby.  Our youngest is 2 now... .it's about time for us to have another... .but due to age... .and mutual decisions on our part... .most likely that will never happen again.

If she could have a small dog (5lbs adult weight)... .she believed it would be a good substitute... .something she could carry around and "love like a baby... "

Note to the wonderful ladies (many of which are moms) on here... .many of whom suggested to me that I not underestimate the "Mom" element of our r/s changing... and that very likely was separate from "BPD stuff".  

You guys were spot on... .

Well... we have had our small dog for a couple of months now... .she has me wrapped around her paw... and my wife too.

No claim her that this one thing fixed everything... .but it has helped... .immensely.

Plus... .it gives another excuse for the wife and I... .and several kids to go to the park together... .or go on walks together... ."to get the dog out"... .

Anyway... .wanted to relate my story... .and thank all the moms that spoke up for that aspect of our r/s.


FF

[seang]

Good to hear its helping.  Funny, I read somewhere that people with BPD do tend to have pets, and they seem to calm them somewhat.  Its has something to do with the unequivocal love pets show, with nothing expected in return.  So no fear of abandonment, and no fear of engulfment, etc, etc.

Glad its working out for you guys either way!

[Daniell85]

I think we spoke briefly about pets. My mom has a miniature yorkie, Bella. She loves that dog silly. We had 6 kids in the family, additionally mom raised one of my nephews. The dog has helped her tremendously.

Glad this is helping your wife. Dogs are so responsive to affection.

[GaGrl]

That's good to hear.  My father died about 4 weeks ago, and my mother has expressed a desire for a small dog that would sit in her lap.  I'm definitely thinking about doing this for her -- she did SO MUCH for my dad in his last years, and I'm sure she's feeling the loss of physical touch. 

[WytchBaby]

We have three pets, but it's our little chihuahua who is about 5 lbs who has been the most help. He's actually my wife's service dog. Due to the BPD and anxiety/depression we couldn't get her out the house most of the time. Then she tried him as a psychiatric service dog and now there are fewer issues with shopping and errands.

She wants a baby intensely... .so it's interesting to me to see that many BPDs are momma's to many babies. We just can't yet because we're already strapped thin and waiting on her disability support to be approved. I have always known she treats him as a baby (even more than I do ) but it's really nice to see that it's not just her.

[Notwendy]

That's great that you can listen to her feelings and understand that pw BPD can have feelings about the same life circumstances as every one else. Perhaps a difference is how they manage those feelings.

For those who choose to be moms- I've heard it said that if we do a good job of it, our reward is "unemployment" ( not entirely, but babies, and kids, eventually don't need us in the same way over time, if we raise them to become responsible adults).

I know that dads have the same feelings, but if a father works outside the home and mom is primary caregiver, then as the kids get older, I don't think the father experiences as much of a loss of identity.

The youngest child getting older was a sense of loss for me, of the last time, and also a sign that my "job" would shift one day, and even not be necessary in that sense. I remember grieving in a way. Same with the idea of an empty nest. Your wife has both going on at the same time.

As my "job" as mom is changing, my H is at a sense of accomplishment, having invested in his job for many years. I also have a sense of accomplishment, but it isn't a physical one- such as a retirement account, or recognition at work. We are proud of the kids when they take each step towards adulthood, and yet, it reminds us that they will go off on their own- and this is what we want for them. But we know we will miss them too.

I have to hand it to your wife. She may have BPD, but 8 kids is a physical and emotional accomplishment for anyone. I also think it is something to recognize that she enjoys caring for a living creature- because that takes the capacity to give of oneself and also be in tune with the needs of something outside oneself. 

And kudos to you for tuning in to your wife's feelings.

[waverider]

I have heard this too, especially small ones that are not as demanding on exercise, feeding and generally getting in the way. Small dogs are less of a risk and responsibility than big ones, and vastly more so than kids. Hence the odds of overstretching themselves and stuffing up, means they are more likely to stick at it.