I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time with your exgf jq. Bpd behaviors are confusing and can be painful.
Sending her this...
I watched a very moving you tube video on BPD and the suffering they go through an I was wondering if you think it would-be helpful to send to her. NB everything I've tried in the last 12mths has triggered her so my record is not good.
After she's said this... .(whether it's true or not)
she says that I spent the whole time trying to help her but her friends have made her aware that there is nothing wrong with her it all me and that I should get some help.
Is continuing a circular argument.
On the right of your screen you'll find Choosing a Path---->
This is the first step
Step 1 - Stop the Bleeding
You are probably asking yourself, Why was she doing this to me? Why does she think I am the cause of all the problems? Why is she so unreasonable and hurtful? Why is there such a double standard? You are probably feeling either hurt and defensive, or resentful and angry, or both.
Often we find ourselves caught up in a cycle of conflict. We trigger reactions in them. This in turn triggers reactions in us. And so on. You may be living together - yet alone and in cold war. You may be separated and fighting.
What should you do? The same thing we do for any wounded soldier: "stop the bleeding". This is not a long term fix for the soldier and it is not a long term fix for you. But if we don't stop the bleeding, nothing else really matters.
What does it mean in this context to "stop the bleeding"? It means to end the destructive, pointless, circular miscommunications with your partner. This can only happen when one party stops. If your partner has BPD or BPD traits, this is not likely to happen unless you initiate it and stay strong. For you to do that, you must first believe that "stopping the bleeding" is in your best interest - and far more important than all the things that are driving the cycle of conflict.
Unless there is physical abuse, stopping the bleeding is more important.
How do we stop the bleeding? First, we stop fighting back. This goes beyond just 'not arguing'. It includes: no pouting, no passive aggressiveness, no silent treatment, no saying "whatever".
Second, we use proven communication techniques. Everyone wants to be heard and understood. After food and shelter it is one of the more basic of human needs. Giving this to the pwBPD (or with BPD traits) is a powerful way to break down the immediate trauma. It is possible to stop making things worse and it begins with learning a new way of responding and listening. And it includes learning how to ask for what we want in a constructive way.
There is a formula for speaking with someone that has a better chance of success if used properly. Our attitude, tone of voice and body language has a huge impact on how our message is interpreted.
Communication techniques are discussed here. They take practice. They take time to work. Be patient. You may get frustrated, but keep trying as the payoff could be a new, healthier relationship.
Taking a step back is the second step. This can give you time to become familiar with the communication skills necessary to be more successful in your interactions and can improve your "record" going forward. Taking a step back can also give us some time to get a handle on our emotions. How are you taking care of you during this difficult time? Have you considered working with a T with everything you've been up against?
