When a borderline wants to stay single

[jammo1989]

Does anybody have any experience or explanations regarding this? As my ex literally rebounded with all her exes, but now that she has this 1 month old, it sounds like she wants to stay and be single, change in behaviour?

Thank you

[Polis_Ohio]

My exwife said the same thing. Two weeks later was dating someone.

I wouldn't put any stock in it, words are words and actions are actions.

[Corgicuddler95]

My ex says she wants to be single for a while. She's just starting university again and she's basically told me she wants to sleep with people. I don't think she can handle being both physically and emotionally reliant and responsible for another person.

But I give it till the end of year till she either she's in another relationship or breaks down and doesn't go outside again.

[BorisAcusio]

The real question here: why do you still monitor her behaviour?

Borderlines *NEED* attachment on a compulsory level. The fusional quality of the maternal bond may deter them from seeking new rewarding objects for a while, but as they are unable to provide adequate mirroring for their children, it is only matter of time until the fear of abandoment becomes overwhelming again and the cycle continues.

[Schermarhorn]

My ex has been single for over a month I believe.

When I was talking to her, she kept saying she was okay with being alone.

[jammo1989]

The real question here: why do you still monitor her behaviour?

Borderlines *NEED* attachment on a compulsory level. The fusional quality of the maternal bond may deter them from seeking new rewarding objects for a while, but as they are unable to provide adequate mirroring for their children, it is only matter of time until the fear of abandoment becomes overwhelming again and the cycle continues.

I think it's because I still even to this day stuck in the rescuer role, not for her but for her 3 kids, even though they are not mine but I can see the long term damage and it keeps me locked 1month 4 and 7, even though it's not my business as their not mine I can see the emotional damage beforehand .

[toddinrochester]

Mine said the same to me that she was going to be single for a while. That she needed to work on her past and seeing her ex in court reminded her that she wasnt ready for a relationship. She was ready to marry me the day before. Then I check the online dating site we met on. Bam. Right in my face there she was active. I confronted her and the response I got was " I am not ready to date, you were the first person I met on there and I paid for three months, just going to read emails" then followed with "I know how this must appear to you, it would appear the same to me. I will block you so you can't see me on there, I am not ready to date". This coming for the girl that told me she lives by "Actions not words". Ha. I don't believe anything she said ever... .

Also. I disabled all my profiles on the sites I was on when we got serious and deleted some. She left hers open the entire time and I find out she even corresponded with a friend of mine. Thats a big slap in the face.

[Skip]

… sounds like she wants to stay and be single, change in behaviour?

When a child comes into the picture, this generally shifts a persons priorities. This is not a "BPD" thing. She hasn't physically recovered from the birth, the child is fully demanding her time and disrupting her sleep… how practical is dating at this time?

Jammo, you have to start detaching. The cyberstalking is not healthy at this point. You keep trying to get into her mind from a distance, looking for a way back in.

If you want to rekindle the relationship, this is not the way to do it.  If the two of you get back, you will likely repeat the same mistakes as nothing has changed with you.

If you want to move on for your own sake, this is not helping. Your focus is and has been entirely on her - you are barely looking at yourself at all here. You know more about here psychological makeup than your own.

Your not on a good path right now.  I'd give some thoughts to shifting the way you are processing all of this on a day to day basis.

Skip

[lm911]

1 month is not a long period of time. She will get somebody as soon as she can. Be sure with this. She is single, because there is nobody around.