Confused

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello,

I need your perspective on the situation.

My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married for 3. WE have a 10 month old son. I have seen my husband withdraw everytime I have needed him emotionally especially when my father passed away 2 years ago. I tried to take that in stride and understand that he felt not gettign attention. He snaps at my friends and family when they visit and hence I slowly lost my friends and dont feel comfortable inviting people. We rent space in my moms house. When I got pregnant (this was plannned) he somehow started getting more and more mean. It was like being married to two different people, one who would say he loves me and cannot imagine a life without me and other who would snap and was cold as hell. I went through a very risky preganancy and he was never there. If it wasnt for my mom I probably wouldnt have made it. I had to quit my job and my husband did support me financially but he was never there emotionally. He just demanded more attention and when he got what he wanted he would peel off and be rude and mean. Towards the end of teh preganancy i developed very bad BP and had risk of stroke, my husband not once demonstrated care and infact inspite of my mom asking him to drive me to hospital several time he ignored it. I finally went to my doctor and was asked to be rushed to hospital for delivery. Needless to say it was a very stressful delivery. My son was born a month early and was 3lbs and needed to be in NICU. IT was hard to be there. My husband seemed to drive me there and back and made some efforts when he say the nurses advice him. when we returned home he was partially three for first month and things got worse. My mom helped a lot ad when my mom had to travel for a month, he totally used that time to leave and take off and provide no support and add to the stress. He is nice to be sometimes too and massages my feet or gets me water of coffee sometimes.

After all this I have been trying to look at positive but my trust towards my husband was going away. I took on a job to ensure I can support myself if he decides to leave and its been hectic and hard. He started complaining more and more than I dont care for him and pay more attention to our son and it got hard. He also got violent a few times and I was so scared.

We had started couples counselign just before I gave birth and had to stp and then started again and his attempt again at harming himself made the counselor ask us to seek out help. HE agreed to go to individual counseling and was diagnosed with BPD. Past two months have been this roller coaster. Every weekend he starts off wit a tantrum about how he is not getting attention from me and how I dont love me. When I do try to involve him, he complains how I am asking him to go out only so he can push the stroller. He wants intimacy and I am not in a position to go there after being hurt emotionally several times.

HE also has a hard time bonding with our son and sits like a stone when our son cries when I leave him under his care.

YEsterday it happened again and when I confrontted he left and I gave him a whoile night to think things threw. HE was crying loudly and asked me to leave him alone so I did. In the morning I approached him for help give our son a bath (he is very active now) and we got into a discussion where he accused me of not loving him. I told him its hard to love him if he only complains about any efforts I make and is not nice to our son. He then helps with son but is very rude and when I try to bring up how I cannot tolerate how things are going he starts yelling and screaming on my face and tosses stuff. After a few violent episodes I had to call for help and cops made him leave the house.

He hasnt come back and I think this really should be end of this traumatizing journey with my husband. I dont knwo if this is right for our son. I dont know wht to do.

[hopeful2015]

Hello,

I need your perspective on the situation.

My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married for 3. WE have a 10 month old son. I have seen my husband withdraw everytime I have needed him emotionally especially when my father passed away 2 years ago. I tried to take that in stride and understand that he felt not gettign attention. He snaps at my friends and family when they visit and hence I slowly lost my friends and dont feel comfortable inviting people. We rent space in my moms house. When I got pregnant (this was plannned) he somehow started getting more and more mean. It was like being married to two different people, one who would say he loves me and cannot imagine a life without me and other who would snap and was cold as hell. I went through a very risky preganancy and he was never there. If it wasnt for my mom I probably wouldnt have made it. I had to quit my job and my husband did support me financially but he was never there emotionally. He just demanded more attention and when he got what he wanted he would peel off and be rude and mean. Towards the end of teh preganancy i developed very bad BP and had risk of stroke, my husband not once demonstrated care and infact inspite of my mom asking him to drive me to hospital several time he ignored it. I finally went to my doctor and was asked to be rushed to hospital for delivery. Needless to say it was a very stressful delivery. My son was born a month early and was 3lbs and needed to be in NICU. IT was hard to be there. My husband seemed to drive me there and back and made some efforts when he say the nurses advice him. when we returned home he was partially three for first month and things got worse. My mom helped a lot ad when my mom had to travel for a month, he totally used that time to leave and take off and provide no support and add to the stress. He is nice to be sometimes too and massages my feet or gets me water of coffee sometimes.

After all this I have been trying to look at positive but my trust towards my husband was going away. I took on a job to ensure I can support myself if he decides to leave and its been hectic and hard. He started complaining more and more than I dont care for him and pay more attention to our son and it got hard. He also got violent a few times and I was so scared.

We had started couples counselign just before I gave birth and had to stp and then started again and his attempt again at harming himself made the counselor ask us to seek out help. HE agreed to go to individual counseling and was diagnosed with BPD. Past two months have been this roller coaster. Every weekend he starts off wit a tantrum about how he is not getting attention from me and how I dont love me. When I do try to involve him, he complains how I am asking him to go out only so he can push the stroller. He wants intimacy and I am not in a position to go there after being hurt emotionally several times.

HE also has a hard time bonding with our son and sits like a stone when our son cries when I leave him under his care.

YEsterday it happened again and when I confrontted he left and I gave him a whoile night to think things threw. HE was crying loudly and asked me to leave him alone so I did. In the morning I approached him for help give our son a bath (he is very active now) and we got into a discussion where he accused me of not loving him. I told him its hard to love him if he only complains about any efforts I make and is not nice to our son. He then helps with son but is very rude and when I try to bring up how I cannot tolerate how things are going he starts yelling and screaming on my face and tosses stuff. After a few violent episodes I had to call for help and cops made him leave the house.

He hasnt come back and I think this really should be end of this traumatizing journey with my husband. I dont knwo if this is right for our son. I dont know wht to do.

[hopeful2015]

Guess my thread was way too long

This is the most difficult decision I am having to make.

[thisagain]

Dear Confused,

It can be slow around here during the day but I want you to know you're not alone! There are people here and in your own life who care about you and want you to feel safe and happy. I'm so sorry to hear about all you've been through.

The Lessons, linked on the right, and some of the expert members here can help you with making a safety plan. Whatever you decide about the relationship, starting today you and your child's safety should come first. I'm sorry I don't have much experience to help you myself.

Hang in there - you're doing great.

[OnceConfused]

how do you know your husband has BPD?

Is he open to some heart to heart talk about what his and your needs are, how each of you can show love to the other person ( not by words but by deeds)

[hopeful2015]

 He was diagnosed by his therapist. He is also enrolled in a program but doesn't look like he wants to go

how do you know your husband has BPD?

Is he open to some heart to heart talk about what his and your needs are, how each of you can show love to the other person ( not by words but by deeds)

[hopeful2015]

 Thank you. It helps to know I can come here and not feel alone. I should focus on my child's safety for sure. Even though I don't think my husband will intentionally harm our baby... .his screaming and crying loudly does scare my baby proper.

Dear Confused,

It can be slow around here during the day but I want you to know you're not alone! There are people here and in your own life who care about you and want you to feel safe and happy. I'm so sorry to hear about all you've been through.

The Lessons, linked on the right, and some of the expert members here can help you with making a safety plan. Whatever you decide about the relationship, starting today you and your child's safety should come first. I'm sorry I don't have much experience to help you myself.

Hang in there - you're doing great.

[cyclistIII]

That is hard -- I'm so sorry you have to go through this!

He hasnt come back and I think this really should be end of this traumatizing journey with my husband. I dont knwo if this is right for our son. I dont know wht to do.

I am new to this site and unsure of the rules; I think maybe I'm not supposed to give advice? But if your husband is violent and you think it should be over, then I say go with your gut. Definitely keep yourself and your son safe -- that is the biggest priority, and the best thing for your son.