Advice about Major Decisions

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

The decision has to be made about where SD will go for high school. Agreement states that parents must agree or that a motion can be filed with court. Mom lives in district A Dad lives in district B. SD currently attends a private school. Mom has sent the message to SD that she will be going to district A and her reasons are that the school is "far superior" and that is where SD friends are going... .not a great reason to pick a school IMO .

DH has done many things to help SD get a feel for each school. She will spend a day at each school and I have schedule some meet ups with some friends kids who attend each of the schools. This will give her the chance to talk about and hear things about the schools that she might not hear while spending the day there. We have told SD that while she doesn't get to make the decision we value her input and have helped her think about ways of looking at her options that aren't just about where my one or two friends are going.

SD is terrified of her mom, she can't ever tell mom how she really feels because she doesn't want to get raged at or guilted into it being her fault. We worry SD will just say whatever mom wants to hear. Mom will stick with school A for her skewed reasons, even if it isn't really what is best for SD. But in the end if we say B and she says A, what will the courts base the decision on? How much weight do we put on SD's opinion knowing she likes to appease mom? Do we go to court asking for way more and hope to end up in the middle?

[Swiggle]

The decision has to be made about where SD will go for high school. Agreement states that parents must agree or that a motion can be filed with court. Mom lives in district A Dad lives in district B. SD currently attends a private school. Mom has sent the message to SD that she will be going to district A and her reasons are that the school is "far superior" and that is where SD friends are going... .not a great reason to pick a school IMO .

DH has done many things to help SD get a feel for each school. She will spend a day at each school and I have schedule some meet ups with some friends kids who attend each of the schools. This will give her the chance to talk about and hear things about the schools that she might not hear while spending the day there. We have told SD that while she doesn't get to make the decision we value her input and have helped her think about ways of looking at her options that aren't just about where my one or two friends are going.

SD is terrified of her mom, she can't ever tell mom how she really feels because she doesn't want to get raged at or guilted into it being her fault. We worry SD will just say whatever mom wants to hear. Mom will stick with school A for her skewed reasons, even if it isn't really what is best for SD. But in the end if we say B and she says A, what will the courts base the decision on? How much weight do we put on SD's opinion knowing she likes to appease mom? Do we go to court asking for way more and hope to end up in the middle?

[ForeverDad]

My court has a guideline order framework.  It thought it was the default if parents couldn't agree but it turned out to just be something for the parents to consider.  Anyway, for teens it remarked that it is good for the children to have one home base as they begin spreading their wings and developing relationships with peers.

Since DH has equal time now, her attending school in mother's district could weaken your equal time parenting at some point.  SD is older now and court may be inclined to do an in camera (in person) interview to get a sense of SD's wishes.  Not that she decides but she's getting close to an age to "vote with her feet" (driver's license) and so court may consider it.

I recall my court spoke with my son just once, with son's GAL present.  We had been in court since he was 3, but court only saw him at age 11.  Court noted that he refused to side with either parent but had better eye contact, therefore more relaxed, when discussing Father.   Court also expressed concern that Mother repeatedly disparaged Father to our son.  I already had custody by then but court expanded my equal time to majority time but just during the school year.

So yes, if she doesn't agree with your district then it will end up in court.  And I do suggest you use the logic above that with SD older the order be modified she should have a primary home base, that is, majority time with DH.  Maybe court will rule like mine did and order it just during the school year.  You're right, ask for simple majority time and then that lets court have something to ramp back, as it did with me, and just grant majority during the school year.

However, you may need the court to order an evaluation to see what's really happening with the relationships. That would take time.  Better to start soon since it can take many months to get through the process.