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Author Topic: update : improved relationship  (Read 528 times)
hermama

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: married 30 yrs
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« on: October 09, 2015, 10:41:08 AM »

Things have been going very well over the past year. I personally made a big change in my way of approaching my daughter. I decided to stop seeing her and everything she does within the context of the label BPD. Don't get me wrong... .everything on this site has been INCREDIBLY helpful to me in putting things into perspective and especially for taking care of myself.

I also believe very strongly that we co-create (or perhaps create) our "realities" or should I say our world or our perspective of our world by the thoughts we most frequently attach to.

So I began wondering... .do I have a role in creating what I am seeing? (they say you find what you're looking for)

I no longer wanted to see everything as evidence that my daughter is BPD and I no longer wanted to be so miserable so I just thought I'd try an experiment.

I just began telling myself (sometimes it's flat out pretending, other times it's wishful thinking, other times it's allowing that it might actually be true) that my daughter is essentially a good person, has a kind heart, is very lost in many ways, is still trying to grow up and find her way in the world, is sad about many things, wants to be loved, and needs to see compassion, maturity, good boundaries, and good mental health being modeled without being criticized.

I decided that how I had her in my mind surely came out in nonverbal behaviors or just my way of being with her that she could pick up on, whether it be facial expressions, limited communication, verbal hesitancy, limited expression of genuine affection or whatever.

So I decided to knock it off. 

And things have been really good.  At least for me.

And our relationship seems much much better. MUCH. 

I am here for my grandkids as much as I can be. We spend lots of time together. The older ones tell me lots of things that go on at home that they don't like and I listen and give them hugs and try to be as supportive as possible without adding to the problem. They see counselors so I encourage them to share openly with their counselor and I think they do. I try my best to model something different for them so they'll know there are other ways to behave as an adult and they can begin to choose what kind of person they want to be.

I no longer look for or focus on all the wrong things my daughter is doing and I deliberately practice seeing the things she tries to do well... .or at least see her heart even if it doesn't come out much in her behavior.

I know she has a long way to go, but my way of being with her before wasn't working very well for either of us. Now I'm taking good care of me and shifting my focus and our relationship is better and POSSIBLY her behavior and some of her thinking is improving too... .MAYBE as a result of experiencing her relationship with me differently. 

Thanks again to everyone here.

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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
livednlearned
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« Reply #1 on: October 09, 2015, 11:15:39 AM »

hermama, what a hopeful uplifting update from you 

This really made my day, especially your wisdom about how the thoughts we attach to can have such an influence on what happens around us, in our relationships:

Excerpt
I also believe very strongly that we co-create (or perhaps create) our "realities" or should I say our world or our perspective of our world by the thoughts we most frequently attach to.

And it also sounds like you are modeling some very healthy boundaries, plus validation, for the granddaughters. 

LnL

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lbjnltx
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« Reply #2 on: October 09, 2015, 01:36:44 PM »

I agree hermama, we don't want to define our children/adult children as a disorder.  They are all unique human beings and there is much to celebrate about who they are.

Understanding their struggles is based on the criteria for the disorder and understanding leads to compassion and acceptance.



lbj
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jellibeans
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« Reply #3 on: October 09, 2015, 02:31:49 PM »

I found this also to be helpful and it has great insight. I will see if I do that and try to catch myself. I think I see my dd in many ways not just a person with BPD or a person with addiction... .I really always try not to take what she says or does personally and I have to believe that once she knows better she will do better... .it is not going to happen over night and I need to be patient. It is hard to do if you are exhausted and worn out so I try to take care of myself and the older she gets the more I try and shift to focusing on myself and less on her. This post has given me something to think about. Thank you
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Thursday
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« Reply #4 on: October 09, 2015, 08:03:07 PM »

hermama-

This post is just the greatest!

Funny how we make adjustments and changes to help ourselves and we end up in a better place with just about everyone!

Your grandkids are lucky to have such an awesome role model... .and your DD is too.

I hope everyone reads this. 

Thursday
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Quama

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« Reply #5 on: October 11, 2015, 02:33:07 PM »

Hermama -

Sometimes you get lucky and find the right words at the right time.  I was gathering myself and asking for strength and guidance to make today different.  It's the last weekend I have before my child goes to RTC and I just don't want to waste it.  I know I cause some of our fights with my behaviors and actions, of course never intending to and despite trying really hard to change, to be what my child needs and what I need.  I'm not there yet, but your post is giving me so much hope and a much needed boost.  THANK YOU!
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