Getting past nervous dread when caught acting against his wishes

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have jumped from improving my relationship with a BPD spouse to whether to stay or go. As I am learning to detach, I'm really trying to take a realistic review of past behavior. I noticed strange behavior with pets. My spouse would purchase animals and then only take care of the physical needs and would be very intimidating and aggressive with them. I had to rehome a couple of dogs because his impulsive purchase and lack of normal disciple. I believe he made one dog highly aggressive by his discipline style. I'm an animal lover and can not deal with that but am embarrassed and ashamed to admit that it took me a long time to stand up to him. He would get angry if any of us tried to hold or pet the dog and would insist on instant hand washing. He would harangue so much that we would become nervous at the sound of his car coming home if we were playing with the dogs. Dang I sound lame and timid - 2 words I never would be used to describe myself. The more I realize I've allowed the worse I feel.  I would give up what I wanted just to keep the peace or I would argue those long circular arguments and attack back. Wow I feel like an idiot. How do you ever get over that nervous dread that comes up when doing something they may not approve of?  I tried to talk with him about it but he turned the tables saying he is always trying to please me thereby missing the point and taking us back to the world where he is the victim.

[Soccerchic7]

I have jumped from improving my relationship with a BPD spouse to whether to stay or go. As I am learning to detach, I'm really trying to take a realistic review of past behavior. I noticed strange behavior with pets. My spouse would purchase animals and then only take care of the physical needs and would be very intimidating and aggressive with them. I had to rehome a couple of dogs because his impulsive purchase and lack of normal disciple. I believe he made one dog highly aggressive by his discipline style. I'm an animal lover and can not deal with that but am embarrassed and ashamed to admit that it took me a long time to stand up to him. He would get angry if any of us tried to hold or pet the dog and would insist on instant hand washing. He would harangue so much that we would become nervous at the sound of his car coming home if we were playing with the dogs. Dang I sound lame and timid - 2 words I never would be used to describe myself. The more I realize I've allowed the worse I feel.  I would give up what I wanted just to keep the peace or I would argue those long circular arguments and attack back. Wow I feel like an idiot. How do you ever get over that nervous dread that comes up when doing something they may not approve of?  I tried to talk with him about it but he turned the tables saying he is always trying to please me thereby missing the point and taking us back to the world where he is the victim.

[eeks]

Hi Soccerchic7,

Your situation sounds very frustrating and painful.  Your husband's use of anger and "haranguing" to keep you from being affectionate with your dogs sounds to me like an unhealthy dynamic of control. 

I don't think you need to feel ashamed of yourself for attempting to deal with it the best way you knew how at the time.  Angry, intimidating and "turning the tables" behaviour would be difficult for anyone to respond to.  Your self-awareness and openness to seeking help (by posting here) and learning new skills, are something to be proud of. 

I can understand how it would be difficult to maintain personal boundaries with your husband, given his behaviour.  https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries 

You say you're undecided about whether to stay in the marriage, but if I understand correctly you and your children are still living with your husband?  So no matter what you eventually decide, the reality right now is that you are still needing to interact with him on a regular basis?

[Soccerchic7]

Thank you for your kind words.  It feels so good to get this off my chest and yes we are living with him. Yes it is an unhealthy control. I will read that link. It's weird that I felt I had to abide by his random and obsessive rules. I'm way more educated than he is and professionally successful but a big sissy with him.

[OnceConfused]

soccer chic:

I felt the same way, (constantly watching my back, my behavior, my thoughts, my statement, whom I talked to), when I was with XBPDGF.  I was "walking on eggshells" for the fear of a sudden onslaught of silent treatments, threat of breaking up, verbal abuse. If I dared to respond then like you, I was faced with silent treatments, circular arguments, and I had to seek peace by Apologized.

Looking back, those were HOW BPD control us, their NONs. Unfortunately, my being a doormat attitude only kept peace for the moments but the resentment simmered inside me like a volcano. Thankfully, with the help of a Therapist (who happened to have dealt with BPD in her first case out of college), I came to see the light, the BPD, the high-conflict r.s...    

May you have all the green lights in being who you are, and not being whom your H wants you to be.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey soccorchic,  Your situation is quite familiar to me.  Like you, I walked on eggshells, or as I like to say, it was more like walking through a mine field.  It's no way to live.  Those w/BPD will use F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) to manipulate.  Don't fall for it.  Agree w/OnceConfused, it's about control. 

Let me ask you some questions: do you feel responsible for your H's wellbeing?  Do you think it's your duty, to some extent, to be his caretaker?  The reason I ask is because caring for others can sometimes be a way to avoid caring for oneself.  Maybe you are denying or abandoning yourself in this r/s?  It's worth thinking about.

Hang in there,

LuckyJim

[Suspicious1]

I didn't experience this with my exBPDbf, but my goodness, I really did with my abusive ex husband. I had so many rules, some he didn't even tell me about or which could change at a moment's notice, and I became increasingly nervous of his moods until I had a psychotic break. Even the wrong look could make me physically tremble.

It's not easy to undo the conditioning, especially when you're still living with the source. I wish I knew the answer. My own courage to push-back came from asking myself whether he had to live under the same rules; whether there was ANYTHING he had to be afraid of doing, or where my demands prevented him from living his life in a free way. And when I worked out that there were so very few things where this applied, I became angry. It was anger and indignation that caused me to push back, but eventually that push-back came in the form of throwing him out of the house. I know that very often any attempt to stand up for yourself is punished, if not immediately then over time.

That nervous dread you talk about did melt away as time went on, but it takes a while to go and it still comes back occasionally. If my partner looks disapproving or cross, I get that sick feeling in my tummy. That said, it's better than it was - once, in the very early days, he accidentally stood in the cat's water bowl, swore at himself for making the mistake, and I burst into tears while apologising. I was so used to everything being my fault. Even after my ex had left, it took me a while to stop taking all my electronic devices with me into the bathroom every morning, because I was so used to my things being hacked into when my back was turned. For a long time with my new partner, I would explain everything I was doing whenever I was doing it, just in case I'd get in trouble the way I used to with my ex. A lot of my actions were prefixed with "I'm just... .", as in "I'm just going upstairs to put the washing away", in case he thought I was sneaking upstairs to rest or read my book. This was especially true of being online: "I'm just going to see if I have any work emails", in case he thought I was going on there to surf, or to chat to people he didn't want me to chat to. It's amazing how many things you preempt in case you spark one of their moods.

I don't think I could have changed things when he was still living with me. It took long enough to stop doing those things after he'd left. When he comes round to see the kids, I kick straight back into that behaviour, giving him excuses and reasons for things that he hasn't even mentioned. I wish I knew the answer.