I screwed up again

[Jungle_jake]

I thought things were starting to get better between my BPDgf and I.  She hasn't flipped out at me in a few weeks, until last night, and it was explosive.  I made plans last night after work to hang out with my best friend for a few hours.  When I told her this, she got upset.  She started accusing me of thinking my friend is more important then her.  And then text after text of just the most horrible things anyone could say to me.  Trying to make me feel guilty for hanging out with my friend and not her, even though I never made plans with her.  I tried my hardest to hold my ground and not give in to the FOG.  I told her I'd let her know when I left so we could hang out if she wanted.  The texts continued, her wanting to know the exact time I was going to come see her, and I just told her when I'm ready to leave my friends I will come.  She just expected me to drop everything I was doing to come see her.  She always does this, trying to screw up my plans.  Rushing me, constantly asking how long.  I tried just ignoring it so I could enjoy my time with my friend.  All it did was make her more and more upset.  I finally gave in when she said if I don't come now she's going to start breaking things at home (she lives with her mom) and probably get the cops called on her.  I know maybe I should have just let nature take its course but I don't want her to go to jail.  She has been there before, and the scary part is she didn't mind it!  She has said it was like a vacation from all the stress in her life.  I'm afraid of she spends enough time there she might start doing worse things just to take her "vacation".  So when I picked her up, she immediately exploded.  Accusing me of making her this way,  making absurd demands, breaking a bunch of my CDs and my sunglasses.  I pulled over and said she needs to stop or I'm gonna take her back home.  Didn't work.  I was trapped in my own vehicle overwhelmed with FOG.  I tried validating only to be accused of just saying things that I don't really mean.  We got to my house,  and she finally started calming down.  It was over finally.  I was emotionally exhausted and just feeling uneasy about all of it.  She kept asking what was wrong and I wanted to tell her it was because of all the things she said, but didn't out of fear of another explosion.  She feels bad enough about acting out that way and I'm not trying to make it worse.  But this site says things will get worse before they get better, and I'm scared to see her at her worst.  She just started DBT and will be starting a new job soon so I think all that is stressing her out.  It's understandable but not an excuse to act that way.  What did I do wrong?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

What did I do wrong?

You stated what you wanted to do but didn't have a strong enough boundary around it. She put on an extinction burst. You caved and she had her tantrum validated as a method to get her way, =intermittent reinforcement. Creates a "go to" method to having her needs met.

To stick to a boundary you need to preplan, as this is repetitive behavior. If this is her predictable reaction then you organize your life so the fall out is minimized on you and she is left to deal with whatever the consequences of her actions are.

The underlying trigger is insecurity. Validation works best if it is used first before you state something that may be a trigger rather than as an after the explosion fire extinquisher

Waverider