Trying to Improve but Failed Again

[Beacher]

Oh my goodness. Thought I would break through my husbands insecurity and anger with happy news. He has been unemployed for 5 months and his insurance is running out. I asked him about it and he said he was applying for COBRA, he is on my insurance but needs it for his two children. Last night I said I would call Cigna and see if I can put them on mine also. We cannot afford COBRA! Today I found out I can indeed put them on for no cost! I waited until he was finishing up in the bathroom and washing his hands and said YAY! I just need their info. He totally decompensated. Started waving his hands around, said " I don't have the info RIGHT now!" I said that's ok, when you get it just write it down here ( handed him paper) and I can even apply online. He said " send me a text!" He started in how I always ask him things at the worst time, I should have given him more notice, I specifically told him whenever he had the info because it would probably take a while. He continued on and stormed downstairs. A few minutes later texted me and said he appreciated what I was doing. I should have just shut my mouth then but said " you were rude to me, you came in the other day when I was not feeling well and began a long conversation about something, did not even ask me if it was a good time, I did not say a word. Please let's reciprocate being courteous." It went steadily downhill from there and he said " forget it, if it's such an issue don't put them on, I'll figure it out with their mother." Was this a wrong time and way to create a boundary? Should I have just let him rant and not hold him accountable? I need help finding the right and wrong way to communicate with a BPD . Any I put would be appreciated and I'm open to constructive criticism.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Daniell85]

It's a boundary when it has to do with what *you* will do to enforce it. Not him.

For example, when my husband talks to me like that, I will leave the room.

Otherwise people just think you are talking down to them and trying to control them. Which kind of gets them mad and you nowhere.

So what will you do when this happens again? What is the plan? 

[Beacher]

In the past when I have tried that he tried to block me from leaving and more recently comes barging into the room I am in and starts ranting on and on. Luckily I have put a lock on my office door so will have to move quickly to get in there before he has a chance to get to me! I guess I will part with " I am not going to stay here if you speak to me like that" in a calm voice. When I try to revisit the conversation he denies or twists the conversation into his version. Sometimes I think I'm going crazy

[waverider]

Problem is you threw in what to him would appear as a tit for tat and escalated it, throwing him into the defensive. Dont bring up past "sins" in the middle of a drama about something else... .I know it is tempting to do so.

Past issues should only be revisited, if they need to be, when no one is triggered.

In response to his first issue, you asked him a question, he triggered, you should then put the pen and paper down and walk away from him. The boundary is you are not allowing yourself to be responded to in that way, by leaving quickly he wont escalate. He heard you so the message was conveyed. The rest of the conversation wasn't needed anyway. What he does about it is up to him.

Odds are you simply interrupted his chain of thoughts, to him that was being pressured.

[Beacher]

Unfortunately I couldn't leave, I was in my room and he was standing in the doorway blocking me. There would have been no where to go without him following me. But you are right- next time I will make sure to approach him where I have a path to get back to my room. You are also correct that I shouldn't have brought up the past. My mistake is I try to reason with him and show him comparisons of behavior to try to make him see a relationship works both ways. This is impossible with BPD and I have to accept that.

I'm always taken by surprise when he behaves like this and don't think to respond quick enough to " I'm not going to listen to this." There never seems to be a good time to talk about anything and I was so excited and looking forward to making him happy with this great news that would help him and ease the burden. We were at a family gathering and sitting at the table where he was trying to figure out his cousins iPhone. I asked him To please pass me a cookie and he said " what I want is to be left alone and do this" and grabbed the whole basket and slammed it down in front of me. I was so humiliated but his cousin did not see it, just kept saying " Rob, have I told you how much I love you and thank you for helping me?" I wanted to scream. He also came back from a trip and I asked him a question about it and he said " I just want to be left alone!" When I tried to explain to him how it hurt me all he did was focus on how I put my hands out and said " fine" and accused me of an attitude. It's so hard walking on eggshells and having to constantly say " is this a good time to talk?" Thanks for the advice

[an0ught]

Hi Beacher,

It's so hard walking on eggshells and having to constantly say " is this a good time to talk?"

to ask like that is not a good idea. You start already in defensive mode. Obviously you are guilty! It puts him on alert and afterwards he can't listen anymore. You are also asking him to write a blank cheque - it may be a good time to talk about X but not about Y. How can he answer in general?

A better way is to consistently use SET (see workshop section).

S (upport)= This is going to help us.

E (mpathy)= You are have been worrying a lot about health insurance. And it took a lot of your effort fighting the system.

T (ruth)= I found out and honestly it was a surprise for me that x is allowing us to... .