The never ending cycle...

[indigo1955]

My son is in his mid-20's and I am certain has BPD. It was during this last cycle (he usually contacts me and then meets a woman... .disappears, moves to another state, and then returns to his dads house in LA-where he contacts me again [I live about 4 hours away]). He is back at his dad's now and last night started texting me about his dog getting bit by a rattlesnake. His pets represent something that he emotionally over-invests in---and he loses quite a few--followed by devastating pain. Last night I had to turn off my phone at 2am... .he had exhausted me. I woke up, turned on my phone and: 18 text messages. "I hate you, I feel sorry for anyone who is your patient, you were never there for me, I have tried to have a mom but never did, goodbye". The problem is, this happens so much that I don't get that invested. Why should I-when I know what the cycle is? This morning I texted and told him although I needed some sleep (I recently had two close friends die and mentioned that. His reply? "You were never there for me when my friends died" it did not mean I was abandoning him. I also finally mentioned the borderline word. My son could drive to see me--or me to see him (which I have done and encountered mass blame and negativity). I am tired... .sick of this... .I have funerals to go to and I worry if his dog doesn't make it he will try suicide.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[AVR1962]

Indigo, whether BPD or not, this type of behavior is very hard to deal with. Much of what you have described her does fit with BPD but when you have someone so blaming if you make this suggestion many times it just makes matters worse. Is there any legitimacy to his claims to what you did or did not do that he is hurt by? How do you react to him? Dos he only confront you or is he playing you against his father and other people in his life?

My BPD had to have her support team behind her and then with them around would attack me verbally. I would be absolutely bewildered and shocked. I had no idea what she was talking about but this team she had that was convinced I was the devil was behind her 100% so here I was put on the spot, not knowing where any of this is coming from. At fist I would talk to her, listen, try to understand, tell hr I loved her and never meant to cause her pain or hurt. But it never stopped. The slightest of things would happen and then she would be up in arms blaming me for something I didn't do. I don't know if she had concluded these things in her head or what.

I read the books, offered to go to counseling with her, gave hr support and pats on the back, made sure to not give her much info and just would listen to her most times as she likes to talk about herself. Nothing made a difference. The last situation she took me off FB, her children and husband did the same. I contacted them all, no response and this time I told myself my approach has to change.

Like your son who blows up at you then comes to you expecting support without ever apologizing for his blow up, my daughter is the very same. I figure she did me a favor my excluding me from hr life at this point. She made the choice and I will oblige it. I heard from other family members what she is claiming I did and again, it is all twisted and blow out of proportion. I am being blamed for something I did not even do, once again. I am done! I deserve a life and I deserve to have those in my life that want to be with me and don't cause all this hurt and damage. It's not what I want for my family but as long as she sees me the garbage disposal for her pain there  is really no sense in us going down this road together.

Perhaps you will find a different way to deal with your situation, I wish you the best!

[lbjnltx]

Words like "always" and "never" are black and white/all or nothing words... .in the moment that they are said that is the way your son feels... .in the moment.  Communications after the fact can help bridge yesterday and tomorrow.

Using SET technique (Support, Empathy, Truth) statements acknowledge your desire to be a source of support for him, show that you hear him and understand him and his pain, and present an alternative perspective to his own emotionally driven statements.

If you read through this short info link you can get a pretty good idea of how this works:

Don't React, Respond with SET

[Butterflygirl]

I worry if his dog doesn't make it he will try suicide

I am the one in my family who is in danger of suicide, but I do worry about my son sometimes. Often he uses this to control me. But sometimes I can see that he is so depressed that he means it.

I am in recovery for some disorders and have been in therapy. My father is an alcoholic and for awhile I went to an organization called Al-Anon. I learned that I am powerless over the decisions that my son makes. I learned to turn this situation over to God. I don't know what I would do if I did not have some benevolent force in the universe to turn my worries over to. I just know I pray for my son, but "Let go and let God."

My heart goes out to you. I wish I could comfort you in some way, but for me I accept that these were the cards I was dealt and that I cannot fix my son.

God bless us all.

Butterflygirl