Lurker turned Poster - trying to live with BPD teenager

[SickOfDrama]

My google searches so often lead me to this board, so I figured it was time to make it official. (Latest search: discipline teenage borderline.)

Here's my story:  DD (now 16.5) was always a difficult, demanding kid and became even more so after her father and I split up 5 years ago. At age 13, she developed an eating disorder: she went from binge eating to anorexia to bulimia, and then came the cutting. She was hospitalized repeatedly, then made several round trips to residential treatment. Finally, we got her to a therapeutic boarding school for 10 months, paid for by her school district through an IEP. She's been home just a little over 2 months now, which is the longest stretch she's had at home in the last 3 years. It was impossible to control her behavior at home before, and I always suspected she was BPD, but out of her dozens of therapists no one would ever take me seriously on that. One RTC therapist patronizingly told me that it was starvation making her act BPD, not BPD making her starve herself. I believed that and beat myself up accordingly, but now DD has been weight restored for several months (in fact, she's probably binge-eating again) and it is abundantly clear I had it right all along. The BPD is exposed for all to see!

I probably don't need to describe all the things she does - sounds like they are familiar to all of you. Lying, stealing, cutting, binge-eating, promiscuous sex, drinking, smoking pot, skipping school (she misses at least one class period every day), threats to run away, suicide threats, extreme moodiness and rage, monopolizing my time and attention, extremely close friendships that blow up on her. Just extremely reckless, impulsive behavior, and zero regard for boundaries or consequences. Dealing with her in a firm, consistent way is especially challenging because she lives in two households, and she predictably exploits every crack between her dad and me that she can find. Her dad almost certainly has NPD, which means he always overreacts to her when he feels like she is publicly shaming him. He will talk big about imposing huge consequences, but he never follows through. He also denies she has BPD or any mental illness.

We are struggling. It is so hard to know how to handle her wild behavior. When she's stable she can be so charming, but then in about two weeks she will swing to doing some new awful thing. The stepparents can't stand her, and no one wants her in the house. I love her of course, and reading about BPD is helping me do a better job empathizing, but I can't bear the burden of caring for her and disciplining her by myself. Yet when she acts out, her dad thrusts her on me ("I can't have her in my house!" and that's what I'm forced to do.

Her latest thing: Last night she was supposed to be spending the night with a friend in her dad's town (which is where she goes to school). This is ~30 minutes' drive from where I live. Dad and stepmom were both out of town. Turned out she and her friend were having a party - The neighbors called the cops and I ended up having to drive back and forth over there 3 times because kids kept coming back in the house (or they'd been hiding in the house when we thought we cleared it out). That's stuff normal teenagers do, I know, but DD did some extreme things, like trying to run away from the house when there were 4 cops there. She went trucking off barefoot, with just a backpack and holding a full bottle of vodka! One cop was dismayed and told me I need to yell at her more. If it were only that simple! Now her dad is understandably angry, and he's refusing to let her stay at his house anymore. I guess she's become my problem full-time.  I honestly have no idea how we're going to get her through high school, or even how we're going to get through the next week. Take it one day at a time, I guess.

Thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[infiniteeyes]

Hi and Welcome 

Your post rings very true for me Trying to Live with BPD teenager - sounds like my day to day existence.

My DD is also 16 and was dx emerging BPD just after her 14th Bday.

Its a good thing that you had your daughter placed in a treatment centre for 10 months. Do you think any good came out of it?

I am in the process of trying to get my DD a secure bed but it is proving difficult for me as I am relying on the state and they have a serious lack of beds available to them.

My DD goes to stay with her Dad at times too (usually when the going gets tough at home) and he is just like ur ex in a manner of not wanting her to stay as she absconds. She also displays the same behaviours as ur your DD and was hospitalised once for an overdose attempt.

Smokes pot and does other (unspecified) drugs, is borderline alcoholic as far as Im concerned, rages, verbally and physically abusive, dropped out of school.

I could go on.

You say she is home for 2months now

Was there a step down placement or did she go directly home?

Is she still in therapy?

[SickOfDrama]

She came straight home after the RTC with no step down. The problem is everyone always treated this as just an eating disorder. 10 months at the RTC (Heritage Academy, in Provo, UT) cured her of the ED, but her craziness just comes out in other ways now. We really should have stepped her down because we're back-pedaling now, but no one ever even considered it. Part of the problem us that she presents extremely well in treatment. With rigid rules and a highly structured environment, she can do quite well. She is desperate for freedom, but then when she comes home and gets some she always gets herself in trouble with it. I'm starting to think she should join the army instead of going to college... .

Hang in there. I hope you are able to get your DD into a placement. Mine was in RTCs for her ED 6 different times. Insurance never paid to keep her there long enough.  We finally got the 10 months at Therapeutic Boarding School through an IEP, but now the school district isn't going to pay for any more of that.

[infiniteeyes]

My DD can also "talk the talk" to professionals.

In the case of her psychologist who she has been seeing for 2 years, it took a while but now her psychologist is aware of my DD's uncanny ability to convince people that there is nothing to be concerned about.

For example a week ago after assaulting me and threatening suicide, she was assessd by a psychiatrist who was not familiar with her and he sent her home stating that she had "sobered up, and was no danger to herself or others"   

It is almost impossible for you to continue the strict regime and routing your D has had to follow in RTC.

That is completely understandable. Our houses are our homes, not designed to deal with such extreme behaviours. I carry the keys to my doors and windows with me at all times and have a safe to lock up medications, blades etc.

Even though DD has managed to break into the safe during some of her rages.

Does your D have any younger siblings?

My LO is 4 and that makes it even more difficult to try to emulate a locked down unit, as she deserves to live in a relaxing and peaceful home. Its like trying to juggle at times!

Unfortunately for me, I dont have insurance and there is no such thing as IEP funding where I live  :'( :'(

My daughter was placed in emergency foster care on Wed after being arrested. She spend two nights there and then three nights in a youth village. She is due home tomorrow and we are back to square one. Bracing myself... .

[SickOfDrama]

Oh, gosh, I feel for you! Yes, D has a younger sister, age 13. She tries hard to define herself as different from her older sis, and she's been in therapy for years just to deal with how crazy our lives have gotten. Heck, every one of us is in therapy!

Assaulting you? Wow. I've never had my D get physically violent with me. Only verbally abusive. Do you have a male around (spouse/partner)? I think that may keep mine in check - just knowing it wouldn't be tolerated. Also, we have admitted her to the psych ward the hospital a few times in the past, so she knows that could happen again.

[jellibeans]

Dear sickofdrama

I am sorry you are struggling right now with your dd. The teen years are pretty tough time and I have to say things don't get better once they are 18 so do what you can now to help her. My story is long but I do see a lot of similarities and the one thing that stands out is the drug use. Have you sought treatment for that? My dd had a huge drug problem and I really had no idea how bad it was. There is a book by Dr Lee from Hazelton Betty Ford Clinic that is really good to read. He talks about addiction and mental illness and I found it very helpful. I hope things get better for you soon. My dd is 18 now and is living at home after being in rehab three times in the last year. There is really isn't any quick fix for this but I do think putting boundaries in place and letting the natural consquences come into play has been helpful for our family.

[raytamtay3]

Hi SickOfDrama.   And welcome. You said you are a lurker turned poster, so you may have read my story about my DD16, who sounds very similar to your DD and to Infinteeyes's as well! Lots of the same issues.  It really does help knowing there are others out there dealing with similar situations, and we can offer advice to one another and discuss what's helped and what hasn't.  

I'm happy you decided to post.  I find it extremely therapeautic (sp) just even to be able to vent on here.

[infiniteeyes]

I agree with raytamtay3 

Its definitely a good place to vent and find support from others.

My dd had her first meeting with drugs counsellor today but didnt engage.

She is currently sitting in a neighbours house smoking pot.

Its unbelievable how they will always find a way.

Teenage years are so tough, and mix BPD in there and its just a rollercoaster it really is.

Hugs to all