Contempt and disrespect : mindfulness

[unicorn2014]

Hello everyone, I am new to this board, although I am not new to this site. Usually I post on the undecided board for romantic partners.

Recently I got in an argument with my partner where he compared the way I communicate with him to the way I communicated with my former partner and my mother. Since I'm currently working on making amends to my former partner and my mother I decided to call my mother up and ask her permission to ask her a question. I was going to ask her if she felt I treated her with contempt and disrespect.  She granted it but she was going to a movie  and I haven't called her back. I have a lot of drama going on with my teen daughter right now and it doesn't seem like the right time to open up that conversation.

When my partner had made that accusation against me I told him he was right, that was how I talked to people who abused me. However part of my recovery as an adult child is stepping out of the victim role on the drama triangle, so I can also tie this post into that lesson as well. I am sure that is how I defended myself when I felt threatened, however lately I've really been getting in touch with how I act when I'm defensive and I know its not good.  

My mother's role is minimal in my life, other then my utter disappointment in her as a grandmother, however I know enough to know that if she was a problem as a mother, that wouldn't change as a grandmother. Recently my aunt told me my parents were mean to me because they wouldn't even visit me in the hospital when my child was delivered by emergency c-section. I'm not sure what to do with that information. I did find it validating as I suffer from PTSD as a result of my childhood experiences and I was able to tell my aunt this and she didn't deny it, which was really validating for me since my brother and my parents totally deny that I have PTSD at all.

I should also add that if my dad picked my mother as a mate it proves my theory that my grandmother has BPD and she was the matriarch of the family and all dysfunction stemmed from her. She had three marriages and three children, my dad told me she was suicidal when he was a child, that she threatened suicide in front of him. She still is a problem today even in her 90s. My family is all broken up, my dad won't talk to one of his sisters, he can't be in the same room as her even though my grandmother is in hospice, he got written out of the will. Definitely sounds like a borderline family dynamic to me. The drama goes on and on. There is more on both sides of the family. I am the only one in recovery, the only one that has gone to therapy that I know of, the only one that developed PTSD. One of my grandmother's husbands was actually a psychiatrist and one of my aunts once was a high school guidance counselor, so it sounds like there were a lot of rescuers in the family.

That's probably a lot of information for the first post, so I hope it made sense.

[Kwamina]

Hi unicorn2014

I already know you from Undecided and want to give you a warm welcome to Coping & Healing

To be able to make a change it is crucial that we are able to recognize the potential problem areas and are also able to acknowledge them. That it the first step in making a change and it requires a lot of courage to look at ourselves like that

You mention your parents and grandmother and the dysfunction in your family. That's tough to deal with, as a child but also as an adult. In what ways is your grandmother currently still a problem? Does she still threaten to harm herself?

I think you might benefit from a thread we have here about our own learned unhealthy behaviors and less than constructive coping mechanisms:

Could you elaborate a bit more on the way you act when you're defensive? Which aspects of your behavior do you believe aren't good or aren't constructive?

Recognizing and dealing with our own unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms

I also encourage you to take a look at the survivors' guide to the right of this message board. The guide takes you from survivor to thriver through 3 major stages. When you look at the guide, do you see any areas that particularly resonate with you? Are there any areas mentioned there that you currently find yourself working on or perhaps struggling with?

[unicorn2014]

Hi Kwamina, and thank you!

I started this thread because of my relationship with my mother. My grandmother is in her 90s and in hospice, I was mentioning her to illustrate she was the role model for my dad, who then picked my mom. My mom is still a problem in that she is an utter disappointment as a grandmother, meaning she is barely involved with my child's life. However I can't really be too disappointed as she was barely involved in my life when I was my daughter's age so nothing's changed.

I will definitely read that thread later.

I was bringing the part up about being defensive because recently I started to work on repairing my relationship with my partner and I recognize that a lot of the ways he talks to me makes me feel defensive. I've been able to say to him a couple of times just that. I think what's not constructive when I get defensive is I get reactive when really perhaps I should say nothing at all. I've even see it happen on the other board I participate in.

I know that I am struggling with mourning, as I am working an outside program of recovery for adult children this has come up there. I also find myself struggling with anger, but I think right now that's more towards my partner then my mother. I am past the age of blame.

Thank you so much for reading and responding.

[Kwamina]

You're welcome, they don't call me the Board Parrot for nothing

I was bringing the part up about being defensive because recently I started to work on repairing my relationship with my partner and I recognize that a lot of the ways he talks to me makes me feel defensive. I've been able to say to him a couple of times just that. I think what's not constructive when I get defensive is I get reactive when really perhaps I should say nothing at all. I've even see it happen on the other board I participate in.

Being mindful of our own possibly unconstructive responses is indeed very important. There is something in our article about fear, obligation and guilt that I think applies here:

Don’t respond the moment a demand is made. Give yourself time to think and assess the matter.  We want to respond - not react.

Perhaps it can be helpful for you to take a look at the article about fear, obligation and guilt (FOG). There is a section in it called 'Change Your Response, Change Your Life' that I think is of particular relevance:

Fear, Obligation And Guilt (FOG)

Are you familiar with the concept of J.A.D.E.? The acronym stands for Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain. The basic idea is that whenever you feel the urge to do any of these things... .don't. Don't J.A.D.E., you can read more about it here:

COMMUNICATION: How to stop circular arguments

[unicorn2014]

Perhaps it can be helpful for you to take a look at the article about fear, obligation and guilt (FOG). There is a section in it called 'Change Your Response, Change Your Life' that I think is of particular relevance:

Fear, Obligation And Guilt (FOG)

Thank you. I've read repeatedly about FOG in SWOE and the accompanying workbook. I even thought about checking the reference book out of the library on emotional blackmail. I thought about posting on this issue on the undecided board as well. I will read through that article again and see if I should post here on or on the undecided board. I know my former therapist talked about my mother using projectile guilt, and since I knew her before I knew my current partner it would make sense to work on that relationship first.

Are you familiar with the concept of J.A.D.E.? The acronym stands for Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain. The basic idea is that whenever you feel the urge to do any of these things... .don't. Don't J.A.D.E., you can read more about it here:

COMMUNICATION: How to stop circular arguments

Yes I am, I'm familiar with that from Al-Anon, where I worked on my issues with my child's father, and again in AA, from members who were are also in Al-Anon. I also had been referred to that other thread when I was having problems with my partner. It is actually interesting you pointed it out to me in relation to my mother as my mother accused me of arguing with my father. My former therapist said my father has narcissistic traits which also supports my theory that my mother has borderline traits. Furthermore when I talked to my father about narcissism he said what's wrong with that, everybody has a little narcissism, which ironically enough indicates he may be narcissistic as I recently read the one question therapists ask narcissistic is "are you narcissistic?" and they answer "yes".

I hope that made sense, I realize it sounded complicated.

For me the bottom line is before I work on my relationship with my current partner or my former partner I need to look at my relationship with my mother because that is where it all came from.

[Kwamina]

For me the bottom line is before I work on my relationship with my current partner or my former partner I need to look at my relationship with my mother because that is where it all came from.

I think it definitely is wise to also look at possible underlying factors that could be contributing to the issues you are facing in your relationship with your partner.

Your relationship with your partner is an issue you are currently dealing with. I think it is possible to work on those two tracks (past and present) simultaneously as the one relates to or influences the other.

Take care

[unicorn2014]

Thank you, I started reading surviving a borderline parent today. Right now my former partner is more of a problem then my current partner.