Holding My Breath

[JustAMum]

My 17 yr old D who presents with BPD but is unofficially diagnosed by her psych who she sees once a month has not self harmed or tried to OD for 12 months. She has just entered her last year of school. Her psychologist who she sees every 2 weeks is on maternity leave at the moment but she seems to be coping ok. She is on 40mg of Prozac which she has been taking daily. My d has gone 18months without a self harming episode before. I feel like I'm holding my breath for the next crisis to occur. I worry about her relationships with her friends and bf. At the moment they are stable. She is very sensitive. When my d does have an episode she self harms to the extreme. She has needed stitches twice. Her arms are heavily scarred. As well as the top of her legs. I'm worried that when things aren't going so smoothly for her that her emotional dysregulation will cause her to self harm again or worse. I've been traumatised by her behaviour. I try not to leave her alone. Her older sister or myself are usually home with her. Last year due to the high stress of caring for her I had a mental breakdown and ended up in hospital myself for 3 weeks. Not long after I got out was when she tried to OD of course this sent me into a deeper tailspin. I went into a state of deep depression for 10months. I came out of it in about June this year. I'm slowly regaining confidence in my d the longer she remains stable and safe but I just can't seem to fully relax. I feel like I'm on constant alert, waiting for something to happen.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[satahal]

Hi HmB,

My heart goes out to you. I can't offer much except to say I could really relate to what you wrote. My daughter (27) is diagnosed finally - but when she was 17 it was just chalked up to anxiety and depression. She's doing dbt now and it's helping but it's not a miracle. She's also a self-harmer and is terribly scarred.

When they're stable sometimes it's hard to forget the possibility of a relapse - we just want them to get better so badly. My thoughts are with you.

[jellibeans]

Justamum

Thing sound they have been very stressful for you and your d. I am glad you have entered a period of calm. Worrying is a hard think to stop and I can relate. This is one thing I have really had to work on especially since my h likes to pace at times and I have come to realize he really had more anxiety than me!  The problem with worrying is that it is hard to enjoy the present  when I look at it this way it makes me really make and effort to not find things to worry about. Easier said than done I know but it comes down to realizing your d is going to do what she wants and worrying is not going to stop her. I think it is important to try to improve communication between the two of you. Then maybe if she is struggling she will ask for help.

[JustAMum]

Thanks for the replies guys... .things were definitely stressful last year. It was the worst year of my life. She has a psych and a psychologist that she opens up to. She lets them know when she's struggling. I suffer from bipolar so to switch off the worrying and anxiety is very hard. Last year due to stress I had an episode and ended up in hospital for 3 weeks. She's a good kid. She goes to school, doesn't do drugs or runaway. She's happy to remain in therapy. She's in her last year of school. I'll be glad when she's finished. I'm hoping that things will get easier for her. She told me that at school she's known as the crazy girl who cuts herself. She just finished a swimming instructor course and is looking for a part time job. She also volunteers at an animal shelter. She's very wilful and likes to do things her own way. As long as she is safe im happy.