Sister with BPD

[mug]

I have been putting up with my sister bullying me for 55 years and I don't think I can take one more day of it.

I walk into the room when she first sees me she says"why are you wearing your hair like that? What are you wearing? those shoes are horrible, you're wearing too much makeup

you look too thin. " It never ends... .

She always is telling me what to do and if I say "no" she starts screaming and brings up all the things that she dislikes about me.

She is not nice to my husband and also criticizes my adult children. She always says I do it out of love.

She jokes around a lot and its mean! but she always says "you cant take a joke"

When you joke with her or her boyfriend who most often is not in the picture, {he's been leaving and coming back to her for 30 years-an insane relationship}she will go ballistic.

The other day My daughter was having a girls brunch for the girls/women walking down the aisle at her June Wedding. It should have been such a pleasant day.My sister and my mother and my daughters future mother in law and I were in the kitchen cleaning up after the brunch. I said something to my mother about my sister in law who was not there and when my sister asked who I was talking about I told her my sister in law who my sister doesn't even like and she starting disciplining me "stop talking about people! You always talk about people!" and I answered by saying "don't ask me any more questions... ." and with that she started telling me everything that she hated about me

and I don't even remember what I said, but it wasn't much, I was more stunned.She was cleaning dishes at the time so she took a bowl of dirty water from the sink and threw it in my face. She then said I am leaving so I said good leave. and then she turned to my mother who did not say one word {which kind of angers me too} and said lets go. My mom said she did not want to go and I said to my mother you should go with her because my sister drove her there and there was no other way that she could get home. My mother than said something so stupid...

She said "if I leave I am never coming back." Which my sister proceeded to say to me. "if she goes than you cant ask her for any more money!" I do not ask my mother for money that is a lie. Finally my sister walked out and left my mother. My mother never said she felt badly for me she didn't even talk about it she just kept going on with her day.

That was on Saturday and she did not call me till Monday but I didn't answer the phone.

I did not know what to say to her without getting upset.

She is an enabler to my sisters antics. My mother also stuck up for my sisters boyfriend and in front of my sister told me that my husband was rude for making a joke to my sisters boyfriend. My sisters boyfriend was out of our lives for 7 months and last week came to a family dinner like nothing happened, My husband did make some sort of joke to him, my sister was in the other room. He is a 60 year old man and he went tattling to my sister that My husband made an offensive joke. My husband of 31 years is a good guy and my family loves him but at that moment when my sister was ranting and brought up how I should have controlled my husband, the only spoken word my mother uttered and it was "yes that was rude of him"! I am so upset and depressed I feel like talking to no

one. I cant sleep and I cant eat and I cant stop crying. I am so through with this abuse!

I haven't even mentioned a touching of what she has done to torment me over the years.

[Deb]

Hi mug,

I just want to welcome you here. Like you, I have a BPD sister. Mine was diagnosed with it but rejects the diagnosis. She is the one who told me she had it. Now, she claims that I diagnosed her, and since I am a "nobody", she is fine and I am sick.  I can laugh about it now. Bur when I first understood that something was really seriously wrong with her, and what BPD was, I cried too. I cried for three days, off and on, until I had no more tears. Then I went looking for help. The first thing I did was learn as much about BPD as I could. There wasn't much at the time, this was in 1999. But I learned that it wasn't my fault. That I couldn't make her better. But I COULD work on ME. In the toolbox on this site, are many helpful things. Techniques for dealing with BPs. Things about enablers.

I also need to tell you that I do not have contact with my sister. That is MY choice. It doesn't have to be yours, though. You get to decide what is best for YOU.

[Naughty Nibbler]

 MUG:

So sorry about the situation with your sister.  She sounds a lot like mine.  My sister likes to go through a list of what she doesn't like about me.  I can empathize with your pain.  If you aren't currently getting any counseling, you might consider it.  I have found it helpful to talk to a professional and gain some validation that you aren't the crazy one.

I've had minimal contact with my sister for several years.  We interacted at family functions and we would speak on the phone about once a month.  I choose to unofficially minimize contact with my sister years ago, when every conversation was complaining about her life, dysfunctional immediate family and not taking responsibility for anything.  Someone else was always the blame.  I was always busy with long work hours, so it just fell into place that we didn't interact very often.

Fast forward to a year ago, when both my parent's health failed. They were both hospitalized at the same time, Dad passed in Oct of 2014.  Mom was between hospitals and skilled nursing facilities for 6 months and eventually passed in Feb. of this year.

These event would put a strain on the best relationship, but my sister really turned into "the sister from hell".  She reserves a special treatment just for certain family members (like me), while appearing like an angel to her church friends.

I guess I was able to hold her at bay, when we didn't have to work together on anything.  Once we had to coordinate and work together regarding our parent's health issues, finances, assets, etc, all hell broke loose.  She would get angry and rush at me like a bull and get right up within an inch of my face and have a tantrum.  She would hang up the phone in the middle of a conversation, if you said anything she didn't agree with.  She would either take a position that you said something you didn't say or she refused to acknowledge something you did say. 

I went "no contact" twice with her.  Right now, I had to go back to very limited contact for the sole purpose of conducting remaining business transactions relative to my parent's trust distribution.  I'm only interacting by email or us mail.  I've taken a position that any face-to-face meetings will take place only in a public place with a planned witness present. I've, also, purchased a compact tape recorder to place in my purse to record any face-to face conversations.  That way, there is a record of who said what.

I'm so sorry your sister is the way she is.  I thought my sister might change, but I've had to accept that she is what she is.  As long as she refuses to admit that she has a problem, and get help for it, I have to do what I need to do to get rid of the insanity.

The 2nd time I went "no contact", I went for some counseling.  I gained an understanding that my sister is likely uBPD.  At first, it helped me to have a label on her behavior and gain understanding.  After resuming contact and multiple cycles of her bad behavior, I've had to come to terms with the fact that we will never be close as sisters.  Maybe some day we can share a meal and talk about the weather, but part of me is grieving for the loss of my last close relative.  Better off to find new friends that can treat you better than dysfunctional family members.

Consider some counseling.  It can really help you feel better to discuss the situation to an understanding professional.

[Charlie3236]

Welcome! And wow your sister sounds just like mine. Which is so sad because mine is still young (37) and I guess I'm still kinda hoping for a miracle. But I'm starting to come to grips with the fact that I will probably never have a sister who is my best friend who can just hang out and have wine and pedicures and share life with me. Which it sounds like you all are too. So sad! :-(

I second the "find family elsewhere" idea. My husband and friends have been AMAZING through this whole thing, and it's kept everything in perspective. I went through a real grieving process (like she died), and that lasted a few years. Then I went through another grieving process with my enabling dad, who is totally disillusioned and in denial about how sick she really is. Sort of (I think part of him knows exactly what's going on even though he won't admit it).

And I'm still grieving. But it's getting easier. I'm trying to see her as a blind person in a wheelchair. An emotional wheelchair. And reality/emotional stability is her legs, which don't work. And she can't see what's directly in front of her. And this way I can continue to love her from a distance and pray for her healing. But still I miss the beautiful little girl with the long golden hair who made my childhood full of love.

[Winnie64]

Hi all, these posts helped me realize I am not alone.  My sister is uBPD, and I feel like I'm at the end of my rope sometimes.  I no longer have the sister I thought I had, and best friend, because she makes me feel so miserable.  She makes jokes that are not really jokes and hurt my feelings, but if I say anything to defend myself, world war III begins and I regret saying anything at all.  Yet I feel sick in my stomach to always be a doormat to her so that she won't go off the deep end and yell and say she wants to kill herself.  Recently she broke up with a boyfriend so now I am the only person she really talks to, and obviously I am not doing/saying anything right.  It is an enormous responsibility to be the only person in her life and I feel guilty if I do anything without her, yet I don't want to be around her much.  If I even miss a phone call from her, the voice mail she leaves me is hateful and mean and tells me how I am never there for her. 

By the way, I am 51 and she is 52, and all of our other family live two states away, not that they would be any help. 

Thanks all for letting me talk!  Mug, I do understand what you go through!  Thank you for posting.