One technique that worked with my BPDw

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Here's one technique that worked with my BPDw! That's why I'd like to share this with you. She was verbally abusive by making condescending remarks about me with her friend which were totally unfounded and very hurtful. Basically, the two of them made an extremely insensitive remark. He jokingly said that I was with "another woman", and my BPDw laughed, saying that I might as well be with "another woman", seeing that she is so busy. Again, I was completely alone, and I have never been unfaithful.

While it took me a lot of time and a lot of nerve due to me being in FOG, I finally got the nerve when she was verbally abusive to me again to ask her how she would feel if I were to have said and to have done the same thing to her in regards to the "other woman" joke. Her initial reaction was to say nothing. Then, she meekly said that she wouldn't want that to be said and to be done to her. I could have flown off the handle and get mad at her, but that would be stooping to her level which I would never do. As a result, she has not done anything like that ever since. Granted, she still has been verbally abusive and very insensitive ever since then, but this one technique worked with her. I just have to get the nerve to use this calm technique with her more often.

What has worked with your BPD that has helped them understand the errors of their ways?

[Samuel S.]

Here's one technique that worked with my BPDw! That's why I'd like to share this with you. She was verbally abusive by making condescending remarks about me with her friend which were totally unfounded and very hurtful. Basically, the two of them made an extremely insensitive remark. He jokingly said that I was with "another woman", and my BPDw laughed, saying that I might as well be with "another woman", seeing that she is so busy. Again, I was completely alone, and I have never been unfaithful.

While it took me a lot of time and a lot of nerve due to me being in FOG, I finally got the nerve when she was verbally abusive to me again to ask her how she would feel if I were to have said and to have done the same thing to her in regards to the "other woman" joke. Her initial reaction was to say nothing. Then, she meekly said that she wouldn't want that to be said and to be done to her. I could have flown off the handle and get mad at her, but that would be stooping to her level which I would never do. As a result, she has not done anything like that ever since. Granted, she still has been verbally abusive and very insensitive ever since then, but this one technique worked with her. I just have to get the nerve to use this calm technique with her more often.

What has worked with your BPD that has helped them understand the errors of their ways?

[Turkish]

Congratulations for standing up for your values in a healthy manner.

As weird as it may seem, my Ex often would be stopped short if I were simple and direct. She

told me more than a few times that sometimes I needed to "stand up to her." I had trouble treating a grown woman like a child, however, and resented that she was often oblivious to things that most people would see as obviously hurtful...

There's something in there about part of what it takes for a BPD r/s to succeed: depersonalizing the emotional dysregulation, and being consistent about applying boundaries (without JADE, e.g.). I've found that BIFF can work verbally, too.

[kairorose]

what is JADE or BIFF please?

[Turkish]

BIFF= Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. It was developed in order to respond to written messages, but I've personally found that it can be applied in verbal communications. Give a small target (Brief), mix in SET (Support, Empathy, Truth) if appropriate, and the Firm is the boundary or your personal value statement.

TOOLS: Responding to hostile email

A discussion on JADE:

Have you ever been able to get her to agree with you when you Justify yourself?

Does Attacking her ever win an argument?

When you Defend yourself, does she ever accept what you say as the truth?

How about when you Explain yourself? Does that ever calm her down?

Think about it - how's JADE'ing been working out for you?

[Samuel S.]

Well, one step forward and two steps backward. My BPDw was in her moody moods again this morning, complaining that she has had to earn the lion's share of the money to pay off bills for our household, for her schooling, for her hotel, and for her daughter. She has said these things before. Now, she has said it again. The truth of the matter is that we both pay an equal amount of the bills around here, but she wishes to think she is so superior, that she is so needed. Things need to be paid for. She works a lot. I work a lot. I also get a retirement check which pays for a lot of things. Well, we are all needed not just for money, but things like love, compassion, trust, amongst other things.

This time, it resulted in me feeling rather weak, so much so that I now have a cold. Yeah, I know it's the season for such things, but I take Vitamin C and keep myself healthy as much as possible. The timing is horrible, because her D19 is back from college for the weekend, and my BPDw is off work. So, they both are going to be around, and I need to get better so that I can teach and tutor next week. So, I am going to do some viewing online to occupy my time, until I feel better.

I just wish this cycle of the BPD would be over. It's not fair physically and emotionally!

[Samuel S.]

I told my BPDw that I got a cold. To her credit, she made a nice tea for me, and I thanked her. Then, she went out for a walk. After returning, she said that there is an even better tea for me to knock out my cold, and I thanked her. She gave it to me. While she was walking away, she said she has wasted enough time on me and needs to go back to her studies. Gee, thanks for helping, and no thanks for your verbal abuse! I would have responded, but I don't have the energy. If and when I get the courage to do so, I will tell her that she would not appreciate it at all, if I were to say such a thing to her. BTW, I would never stoop to her level. After all, aren't we supposed to love and to help one another?

[Samuel S.]

Something else to consider. My BPDw will bend over backwards to help others so long as she gets something in return, such as recognition. Here's an example. For her D19, she made 2 separate trips to her college town. The first one was to devote some 6 hours looking for furniture for her new apartment. The second one was to pick her D19 to take her to her car that was being repaired, and that took some 3 hours. So, she did not waste her time to her D19. She did it out of love. In terms of her comment to me last night about wasting her time to make tea for me twice, that took a total of no more 5 minutes. I seriously believe she hates me and probably men in general.