Taking inventory - do I stay?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

  Hi everyone and welcome to the newcomers 

I've worked my way down the decision making guidelines to taking inventory. I'm familiar with taking inventory from the 4th and 10th step of the 12 step program.

So I noticed thread participation in my last subject significantly dropped off so I'm hoping I can get some participation on this one as I really value this board's feedback.

My partner completely dysregulated on me for no apparent reason tonight. He went to the bar next door to where he is staying to hear a friend's son play and when he came home his speech was slurred, his eye contact was off (on FaceTime), he was repeating himself, and he was being overly affectionate (on FaceTime). 10 minutes later he totally dysregulated and started telling me I was boring, self righteous, full of crap, didn't value our relationship.

As many of you know he's still legally  married, and our next scheduled talk about his divorce is on Tuesday when I am expecting him to show  me the escrow papers he got out of his safe deposit box. (We've been busy dealing with a crisis with my daughter this week.)

He has become totally verbally abusive to me tonight, calling me a jack*ss, telling me to f*ck off, telling I'm full of crap, full of bulls*t.

Tomorrow we are supposed to meet on FaceTime to go over my daughter's grounding and what it has accomplished but frankly I'm not interested in his participation. I'm going to keep reading taking inventory and perhaps will make a second post.

Again I hope some senior members respond. I actually lost a sponsor/friend over this kind of behavior from my partner, she couldn't stand by and watch me be verbally abused so she left.

I apologize ahead of time if my post is disjointed. I have been under an incredible amount of stress this week so I don't know if it will make any sense.

[unicorn2014]

  Hi everyone and welcome to the newcomers 

I've worked my way down the decision making guidelines to taking inventory. I'm familiar with taking inventory from the 4th and 10th step of the 12 step program.

So I noticed thread participation in my last subject significantly dropped off so I'm hoping I can get some participation on this one as I really value this board's feedback.

My partner completely dysregulated on me for no apparent reason tonight. He went to the bar next door to where he is staying to hear a friend's son play and when he came home his speech was slurred, his eye contact was off (on FaceTime), he was repeating himself, and he was being overly affectionate (on FaceTime). 10 minutes later he totally dysregulated and started telling me I was boring, self righteous, full of crap, didn't value our relationship.

As many of you know he's still legally  married, and our next scheduled talk about his divorce is on Tuesday when I am expecting him to show  me the escrow papers he got out of his safe deposit box. (We've been busy dealing with a crisis with my daughter this week.)

He has become totally verbally abusive to me tonight, calling me a jack*ss, telling me to f*ck off, telling I'm full of crap, full of bulls*t.

Tomorrow we are supposed to meet on FaceTime to go over my daughter's grounding and what it has accomplished but frankly I'm not interested in his participation. I'm going to keep reading taking inventory and perhaps will make a second post.

Again I hope some senior members respond. I actually lost a sponsor/friend over this kind of behavior from my partner, she couldn't stand by and watch me be verbally abused so she left.

I apologize ahead of time if my post is disjointed. I have been under an incredible amount of stress this week so I don't know if it will make any sense.

[Turkish]

You're asking valid questions and have been asserting valid boundaries, yet still are the recipient of unexcusable verbal abuse. Under the influence of alcohol, he may back track or even apologize when he's sober. Are you ready for that?

[unicorn2014]

You're asking valid questions and have been asserting valid boundaries, yet still are the recipient of unexcusable verbal abuse. Under the influence of alcohol, he may back track or even apologize when he's sober. Are you ready for that?

He claims that he does not drink and has not drank for 7 years. No, I am not ready for that. My first husband was an alcoholic and I am not going down that road again. I know that I am sending him the message that I accept verbal abuse. He is also accusing me of being verbally abusive, which I know I am not. I'm going to make one more subject heading   about whether or not my relationship is healthy and then call it a night. Thank you so much for reading and responding.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Unicorn,

When I met my BPDxbf, we were both still married. He was separated from his wife. I was still living with my husband. We both have children to those marriages.

I asked my husband for a divorce and he initiated procedures on the basis of adultery. I am now divorced.

During this time, my BPDbf (now exbf) would talk of going to the solicitor. He booked an appointment then cancelled it. Booked another. Turned up but told her he was too ill to continue and went home. Booked another and was told to go for mediation first. He did nothing. I got more and more frustrated. I had a talk to him about the divorce. He dysregulated and pointed fingers of blame at me. All this time, my divorce was happening. Eventually, I realised that there was no way I could ever make him do something that he didn't want to do.

I've followed your story, unicorn. My question to you is this:

":)o you really want to be married to someone whom you have had to press-gang into divorce and possibly also into marriage?"

Compare how you would feel in these circumstances with how you would feel if you married someone else who did so joyfully and of his own free will. I know the short-term would be painful for you if you choose to walk away, but your future would be hopeful.

Love Lifewriter

[unicorn2014]

Hi Unicorn,

When I met my BPDxbf, we were both still married. He was separated from his wife. I was still living with my husband. We both have children to those marriages.

I asked my husband for a divorce and he initiated procedures on the basis of adultery. I am now divorced.

During this time, my BPDbf (now exbf) would talk of going to the solicitor. He booked an appointment then cancelled it. Booked another. Turned up but told her he was too ill to continue and went home. Booked another and was told to go for mediation first. He did nothing. I got more and more frustrated. I had a talk to him about the divorce. He dysregulated and pointed fingers of blame at me. All this time, my divorce was happening. Eventually, I realised that there was no way I could ever make him do something that he didn't want to do.

I've followed your story, unicorn. My question to you is this:

":)o you really want to be married to someone whom you have had to press-gang into divorce and possibly also into marriage?"

Compare how you would feel in these circumstances with how you would feel if you married someone else who did so joyfully and of his own free will. I know the short-term would be painful for you if you choose to walk away, but your future would be hopeful.

Love Lifewriter

Hi Lifewriter, and thank you. I don't know if my posts made it clear or not but marriage was his idea from the beginning. He proposed to me before we met, my first engagement ring arrived in the mail, it didn't fit, even though it was custom made, so we had to send it back. I can't remember if my second engagement ring also arrived in the mail or he brought it with him on his first visit. Marriage was not my idea. I don't know how to convey that to the audience.

Right now its not the divorce that's bothering me, although that is bothering me too, its the verbal abuse. As I stated in my initial post tonight my fiancé went to the bar next door to hear the friend of a friend's son play. My fiancé insists he has not drank alcohol in 7 years, yet twice this week he has come home from the bar next door with a gravely voice, unable to make eye contact, overly demonstrative, all on FaceTime.

The question I am asking myself tonight is what is accepting inexcusable verbal abuse saying about me as a person? My fiancé insisted that I was being the abusive one. He ended the FaceTime call but then said he didn't. I have my phone go automatically into do not disturb mode at 9pm, and he kept demanding I call him back to make up well past 10pm, my bed time. When I pointed out to him that my daughter was asleep in bed and I would not be calling him at this hour he told me he would not be contacting me tomorrow. We were supposed to meet on FaceTime tomorrow afternoon to review the terms of my daughter's grounding (she got in multiple trouble this week) and now he's telling me to not expect to hear from him tomorrow. I told him fine, I won't hear from you tomorrow. My mind is reeling at the instability of it all. I was going to write another post about whether or not my relationship was healthy.

Thank you again for reading and replying, its very helpful to me.

[Panda39]

Hi Unicorn,

Each of us has to work through things ourselves and come to our own conclusions about our relationships and I know you are trying to process your relationship and whether or not to continue it.

So here is what I see in a nutshell... .

Negatives

He has lied about being divorced

He is verbally abusive

He says he doesn't drink but contacts you intoxicated (FYI this is a trigger for me was married 20yrs to an alcoholic)

Positives (from your other post)

I had an opportunity to read some of my fiancé's texts to my daughter and I see that he is very appropriate there. I have an unopened pantry box from my fiancé as well as earrings and a blender that he sent me this week because mine broke.

This week my fiancé talked to both my brother and my child's father on my behalf because they were both being difficult and problematic for me and my daughter.

I'm having problems with my daughter's gym teacher, or I should say she's having problems with her gym teacher and the teacher is trying to solve them  , and my fiancé is also willing to talk to the teacher to help me problem solve.

It seems to me that you have your fiance handling a lot of things that are your responsibilities and not his.  What are you getting out of this relationship?

Unknown

What does living with him look like? To me kind of scary... .you won't just be able to hang up the phone when he becomes verbally abusive.

How would you describe a good relationship or healthy relationship?  Do your fiances actions match his words?

I guess maybe the most basic question is what are your boundaries?  What are deal breakers for you? All three of the negatives I've listed above would be deal breakers for me.

Only you can decide if you want to stay in this relationship but if it were me... .no, I would not stay.

I wish you well,

Panda39

[Lifewriter16]

Hi unicorn,

I'm sorry that I misunderstood what you were looking for when you posted. I read your title and responded more to that and the other posts I've read than this one in particular. My apologies.

I struggled with my BPDxbf's verbal abuse and what it said about me that I was putting up with it. I don't know when it started for you, but the verbal abuse started for me when I first challenged him on whether he was doing what was necessary for us to be together (which included getting a divorce). I made the mistake of floating the idea that perhaps we shouldn't see each other until he'd put the divorce in motion. He became rather angry with me and I doubt he ever forgave me for trying to 'manipulate' him into getting a divorce.

In time, I learnt that concentrating upon the issue of his divorce was just making me feel unhappy so I stopped even thinking about our future. He, however, continued to make promises that I knew he was never going to keep and even asked me if I believed he'd make them happen. I said 'No'. I'm not surprised that it was your fella's idea to get married but is this a need for security or true love on his part? It was my fella's idea that we spend the rest of our lives together, but he just couldn't follow through because he was too frightened that his wife might react badly and deny him access to his daughter. Ultimately, I had to accept that his daughter was his number one priority.

I realise I haven't given you anything that might help with the verbal abuse. Unfortunately, I never knew what I could do to change how things were between myself and my BPDxbf. Things just got progressively worse between us very rapidly, until eventually we'd recycled so many times that there was no going back. I tried validation and boundaries and found them absolutely exhausting... .and realised that there was still no room for me in our relationship, I had simply become a peacekeeper.

I'm sure that you will decide what is best for you in your own good time. Ultimately, you are the one who has to live with the decisions you make. I made a decision... .and then I went back on it... .a number of times. Each of those times, I processed pain that ultimately made the final breakup easier.

If you choose to stay, I wonder whether you could practise validation skills with a friend... .I tried them on my daughter and realised I was getting it wrong even when making my best efforts. I think it's harder than it appears and a friend could give you some feedback.

Love Lifewriter

[Svarl1]

Suggest that if he abuses you again on videophone, you record the conversation without him knowing (maybe using another device?)

Then once the recording is safely stowed with a friend or two, you can warn him: any more of the same and the world will get to see what he's really like - including his parents, his boss, clients etc.

Likewise, naturally, if you get hurt or disappeared.

This is just a suggestion and may not in fact be a great idea, but I think that a lot of people who bully in private do like the wider world to think they're nice, so something of this nature may help to buck his ideas up a bit.

[myself]

The situation seems to be getting worse, not better.

Many of his actions are trying to get you to react.

How will you? Express your anger? Walk away?

I also took a lot of verbal haranguing, silent treatments, etc.

To not rock the boat/chase her away/end the upcoming marriage.

But in the end, the abuse (and false allegations too) broke us up.

It opened my eyes to negative patterns in previous relationships.

It helped me see that I don't deserve to be mistreated that way.

That it's unacceptable to have that kind of 'bad energy' in my life.

[unicorn2014]

Hi Unicorn,

Each of us has to work through things ourselves and come to our own conclusions about our relationships and I know you are trying to process your relationship and whether or not to continue it.

So here is what I see in a nutshell... .

Negatives

He has lied about being divorced

He is verbally abusive

He says he doesn't drink but contacts you intoxicated (FYI this is a trigger for me was married 20yrs to an alcoholic)

He denies he was drunk and says he hasn't drank in 7 years. I say fine, however he was acting intoxicated drunk or not. Whether or not he was drinking alcohol he was still not acting emotionally sober and that is what made me uncomfortable.

Positives (from your other post)

I had an opportunity to read some of my fiancé's texts to my daughter and I see that he is very appropriate there. I have an unopened pantry box from my fiancé as well as earrings and a blender that he sent me this week because mine broke.

This week my fiancé talked to both my brother and my child's father on my behalf because they were both being difficult and problematic for me and my daughter.

I'm having problems with my daughter's gym teacher, or I should say she's having problems with her gym teacher and the teacher is trying to solve them  , and my fiancé is also willing to talk to the teacher to help me problem solve.

It seems to me that you have your fiance handling a lot of things that are your responsibilities and not his.  What are you getting out of this relationship?

He is not handling my responsibilities, he is helping me with my responsibilities. There is a big difference. I have far more responsibility on my plate then I can handle as a single mother who's child father has a drug problem and whose mother appears to have borderline traits herself. I have no other family support to help me with my child. My partner is filling in the gaps.

Unknown

What does living with him look like? To me kind of scary... .you won't just be able to hang up the phone when he becomes verbally abusive.

How would you describe a good relationship or healthy relationship?  Do your fiances actions match his words?

I guess maybe the most basic question is what are your boundaries?  What are deal breakers for you? All three of the negatives I've listed above would be deal breakers for me.

Only you can decide if you want to stay in this relationship but if it were me... .no, I would not stay.

I wish you well,

Panda39

Some of my boundaries are not being forced to resolve conflict after 9 or 10pm at night, being able to end the FaceTime call if I think my partner is intoxicated. For what it's worth I did not end the FaceTime call last night, he did. Those are two of my boundaries. A third boundary is not tolerating being called abusive, my partner compared the way I treat him with the way I treat my child's father and my mother so I called them both for verification. My partner says I treat him and them with contempt and a lack of respect so since I am currently in the process of seeing who I need to make amends to, I am willing to entertain that he might be right. So far I've talked to my child's father and he didn't jump on the opportunity to agree with my partner. I'm waiting for a call back from my mother, and I will talk more to my child's father this afternoon.

[unicorn2014]

In time, I learnt that concentrating upon the issue of his divorce was just making me feel unhappy so I stopped even thinking about our future. He, however, continued to make promises that I knew he was never going to keep and even asked me if I believed he'd make them happen. I said 'No'. I'm not surprised that it was your fella's idea to get married but is this a need for security or true love on his part? It was my fella's idea that we spend the rest of our lives together, but he just couldn't follow through because he was too frightened that his wife might react badly and deny him access to his daughter. Ultimately, I had to accept that his daughter was his number one priority.

My partner insists that he loves me even today as he tells me that I have no right to go to bed until what he thinks is a conflict is resolved. The conflict last night was that I thought he was intoxicated and didn't end the FaceTime call. My partner doesn't have a child so I don't know what his problem is with his divorce not being filed. He claims he didn't know his divorce hadn't been filed.

If you choose to stay, I wonder whether you could practise validation skills with a friend... .I tried them on my daughter and realised I was getting it wrong even when making my best efforts. I think it's harder than it appears and a friend could give you some feedback.

Love Lifewriter

Hi Lifewriter, the fact that I am unwilling to validate my partner's feelings is why I am on the undecided board and not the staying board. I deeply resent him for what he's done to me and don't feel like validating him. I will hang out here until I'm done taking inventory and then I will make a decision. I know if I'm going to stay with him I'm going to have to validate him and I don't know if I'm capable of doing that, I have far too much anger to process at this point.

I am sick and tired of him manufacturing conflict and then saying we have to resolve it at all costs, including my sleep and my recovery meeting to help me with my daughter.

[unicorn2014]

Suggest that if he abuses you again on videophone, you record the conversation without him knowing (maybe using another device?)

Then once the recording is safely stowed with a friend or two, you can warn him: any more of the same and the world will get to see what he's really like - including his parents, his boss, clients etc.

Likewise, naturally, if you get hurt or disappeared.

This is just a suggestion and may not in fact be a great idea, but I think that a lot of people who bully in private do like the wider world to think they're nice, so something of this nature may help to buck his ideas up a bit.

The verbal abuse took place in text and I have it all and I've already showed it to my former therapist in the past. Its ironic you tell me he bullies me because he says I'm the ultimate bully. I tried to write about projection but not too many people addressed that, they kept focusing on the divorce not being filed. Perhaps if I ever make it over to the staying board I will post about projection again over there.

[unicorn2014]

The situation seems to be getting worse, not better.

Many of his actions are trying to get you to react.

How will you? Express your anger? Walk away?

I also took a lot of verbal haranguing, silent treatments, etc.

To not rock the boat/chase her away/end the upcoming marriage.

But in the end, the abuse (and false allegations too) broke us up.

It opened my eyes to negative patterns in previous relationships.

It helped me see that I don't deserve to be mistreated that way.

That it's unacceptable to have that kind of 'bad energy' in my life.

I told my partner today that the silent treatment is unacceptable and if he does that I will walk away. He says he wasn't giving me the silent treatment merely setting a boundary because I wouldn't resolve a conflict. The conflict was that I wasn't comfortable with his behavior on FaceTime and didn't end the call. I told him next time that happens I'm just going to have to tell him that I'm not comfortable with his behavior and I need to go. I told him I will not put our relationship ahead of my need for sleep. I told him if he gives me the silent treatment over that I will walk. So I guess if that happens again then I will have to leave. I told him I wasn't ready to make a decision yet about our relationship but if he did that it would force my hand. I'm still trying to give him a chance to file his divorce. That is the ultimate problem in our relationship and I'm trying to extend him mercy because he says he didn't know his divorce wasn't filed. I told him that was the underlying problem in our relationship. The situation is definitely crazy making.

[OnceConfused]

What "HE PROPOSED TO YOU BEFORE YOU MET ?".

[unicorn2014]

What "HE PROPOSED TO YOU BEFORE YOU MET ?".

Yes once confused, he proposed to me on the phone before we met in person, the relationship started out at the level of engagement, that is correct. In fact he asked me if I would say yes before he asked me to marry him. That was before I found BPD family, obviously, or before I knew he had borderline traits and what that meant. That was very early on in the relationship.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi unicorn,

Hi Lifewriter, the fact that I am unwilling to validate my partner's feelings is why I am on the undecided board and not the staying board. I deeply resent him for what he's done to me and don't feel like validating him.

I really didn't want to validate my BPDxbf either. I was too cross with him and just couldn't see why I should accept a relationship that required me to put so much into it when the effort apparently wasn't returned. Eventually, I realised that I didn't have to and I could leave without guilt.

With respect to projection, my BPDxbf did it regularly once we'd got to the hateful stage in our relationship. Because there could have been an element of truth in what he said, I tended to take his comments on board or at least distrust myself. That was the most awful part of it, it made me doubt myself.

Love

Lifewriter

[unicorn2014]

Hi unicorn,

Hi Lifewriter, the fact that I am unwilling to validate my partner's feelings is why I am on the undecided board and not the staying board. I deeply resent him for what he's done to me and don't feel like validating him.

I really didn't want to validate my BPDxbf either. I was too cross with him and just couldn't see why I should accept a relationship that required me to put so much into it when the effort apparently wasn't returned. Eventually, I realised that I didn't have to and I could leave without guilt.

With respect to projection, my BPDxbf did it regularly once we'd got to the hateful stage in our relationship. Because there could have been an element of truth in what he said, I tended to take his comments on board or at least distrust myself. That was the most awful part of it, it made me doubt myself.

Love

Lifewriter

I'm trying to get to the point where I've decided to stay in the relationship despite the fact that I found out that there was no filing of divorce on record. I would like to be able to work on projection from the point of view of staying. Perhaps I will get further on that board.

In my partner's defense, he's willing to put in the work while my child's father was not. My child's father admitted he walked away from the relationship.

I'm still working on taking inventory and the next piece I will be looking at will be getting someone to see a therapist or get into treatment.

Thank you for reading and replying.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi again, unicorn... .

My limited understanding of the process of coming to terms with projection is this:

Identify the FOO issues that make us believe that our BPD partner's projections onto us are correct and heal those experiences. When we do that healing, we have a more dispassionate perspective on what our partners say to us and can let the things that are their issues and not ours pass over our heads. This means we experience less pain in the relationship (basically because we are no longer taking their comments personally) and are less reactive to our partners. This reduction in our reactivity also reduces the pain we inadvertently cause our partners through triggering them, which also reduces the dysregulations.

It's a long term work, but I am finding it to be beneficial even though I am no longer with my ex. Doing that work is beneficial either way.

Lifewriter x

[unicorn2014]

Hi again, unicorn... .

My limited understanding of the process of coming to terms with projection is this:

Identify the FOO issues that make us believe that our BPD partner's projections onto us are correct and heal those experiences. When we do that healing, we have a more dispassionate perspective on what our partners say to us and can let the things that are their issues and not ours pass over our heads. This means we experience less pain in the relationship (basically because we are no longer taking their comments personally) and are less reactive to our partners. This reduction in our reactivity also reduces the pain we inadvertently cause our partners through triggering them, which also reduces the dysregulations.

It's a long term work, but I am finding it to be beneficial even though I am no longer with my ex. Doing that work is beneficial either way.

Lifewriter x

Thank you Lifewriter, I did call my mom today with the intention of asking her if she feels I treat her with contempt or disrespect. I am trying to work down to the bottom of taking inventory so I can move over to the staying board because it looks like at this point that the divorce not being on record is not a deal breaker for me.

I told my partner that next time I feel uncomfortable with his behavior on FaceTime I need to be able to end the call and he agreed to that so we have a solution in place. I told him I expect that if I have to do that that I will not receive texts and phone calls after the fact and that I will talk to him in the morning. He also agreed to that.

I did check out the book on surviving a borderline parent and I am actively working a program of recovery around my issues as an adult child. I have not started reading the book yet as my first priority is to finish taking inventory of my relationship with my partner. It is my hopes that I can come to a decision to stay in the relationship so that I can begin to work on looking at my relationship with my parents.

[formflier]

  I know that I am sending him the message that I accept verbal abuse. He is also accusing me of being verbally abusive, which I know I am not. 

What can you do to change this dynamic?

I'm glad you see this... .it comes through in your posts clearly as well.

FF

[Learning Fast]

I've followed many of your posts and realize that the objective of this forum is not to offer advice, however, you have asked for direction.  I would not stay as the cons far outweigh the pros.  I also realize that this it easy for me to say as I'm not in your specific situation as you have significant emotional capital invested in the relationship.  I simply cannot see the upside but can identify quite a bit of downside (too many red flags for my tastes).  Cut your losses, grieve/heal and move on.  I'm sorry if that is not what you want to hear but that is my unvarnished opinion.  I know that you will make the right decision based on your circumstances and wish you nothing but the best.

[unicorn2014]

  I know that I am sending him the message that I accept verbal abuse. He is also accusing me of being verbally abusive, which I know I am not. 

What can you do to change this dynamic?

I'm glad you see this... .it comes through in your posts clearly as well.

FF

I've told him the next time I feel uncomfortable with his behavior on FaceTime I will end the call and he agreed to that and he agreed not to send me texts after that so we will see what happens. It is up to me whether I respond to those texts or not. It is _very_ hard for me not to but only I can ignore them. (To be honest I have a hard time ignoring inflammatory texts from my child's father even when my social worker tells me to, so its not like this is specific to my partner.) 

[unicorn2014]

I've followed many of your posts and realize that the objective of this forum is not to offer advice, however, you have asked for direction.  I would not stay as the cons far outweigh the pros.  I also realize that this it easy for me to say as I'm not in your specific situation as you have significant emotional capital invested in the relationship.  I simply cannot see the upside but can identify quite a bit of downside (too many red flags for my tastes).  Cut your losses, grieve/heal and move on.  I'm sorry if that is not what you want to hear but that is my unvarnished opinion.  I know that you will make the right decision based on your circumstances and wish you nothing but the best.

Thank you learning fast, I do not think I will be leaving. I see that your person is your romantic partner. Would you mind sharing with us what makes your relationship work for you?

[Lifewriter16]

Hi unicorn,

My current understanding of boundaries is that they are not negotiated with your partner. They are a course of action that you decide to take if a certain situation presents itself and regardless of your partner's reaction.

I never did get a proper grasp of boundaries. My BPDxbf had massive extinction bursts so our relationship didn't survive me setting boundaries. Ask formflier about boundaries. He has a good understanding.

Lifewriter x

[unicorn2014]

Hi unicorn,

My current understanding of boundaries is that they are not negotiated with your partner. They are a course of action that you decide to take if a certain situation presents itself and regardless of your partner's reaction.

I never did get a proper grasp of boundaries. My BPDxbf had massive extinction bursts so our relationship didn't survive me setting boundaries. Ask formflier about boundaries. He has a good understanding.

Lifewriter x

Hi life writer, I appreciate the clarification on boundaries however I already covered that on another thread. I have made the decision to stay for a couple of reasons so I'll be moving over to the staying board to discuss BPD behaviors from the position of staying . The first one I'll be looking at is poor executive control.

[Learning Fast]

Unicorn,

Since I'm am leaving most of my posts are on the Leaving board, however, I occasionally post on the Undecided board as I was of that mindset until recently.

What changed?  Admittedly my boundaries weren't as strong as they should have been but the one that was constructed out of concrete was if a replacement entered the picture---that would be a deal breaker. She started with her replacement back in July while continuing to pass him off as just a "friend".  I now thru irrefutable means that is it much more than a friendship.  She doesn't know that I'm aware of this so continues (now, mind you, it's been three months) with the "friend" cover story to keep me tethered.

Why am I meandering like this---if there is anything that I've learned in my year on this site it is to believe ACTIONS not WORDS.  Your partner producing the aforementioned escrow papers would be an action; anything else will be nothing but more words.  All I would recommend is to take this into consideration as you move forward.  Best wishes for you.

[unicorn2014]

Why am I meandering like this---if there is anything that I've learned in my year on this site it is to believe ACTIONS not WORDS.  Your partner producing the aforementioned escrow papers would be an action; anything else will be nothing but more words.  All I would recommend is to take this into consideration as you move forward.  Best wishes for you.

Learning fast, thank you for your concern,   and I'm taking it to heart.   Tuesday afternoon we have a meeting scheduled to go over the escrow papers and what he is doing to move the divorce forward. I hope to be posting on the staying board  Tuesday night as I reached the end of the decision making process and I am certainly not ready to leave. I will post more on my is my relationship healthy thread as I have a lot of posts to respond to so the majority of the undecided discussion will take place over there.