difficult to move on

[tribalmart]

Hi

Here is my story :

I'm a single 38 yo male, father of a beautiful girl of 6 years old (shared custody) and I had a vasectomy 4 years ago. 3 years ago I met (trough a dating site) this beautiful woman of 26 years old, I was 35. Love at first sight... .beautiful, intelligent, sweet, sexy and very sensual... .nothing else to say, the jackpot!

**RED FLAG** She was in couple, her bf was out of the country on vacation for 1 month , she was cheating on him! My little voice told me to stay distrustful, it was suspicious.

We were deeply attracted and so in love. When the guy came back from vacation, she decided to break up with him (9 years relationship) to move to my home. The guy was devastated. She told me that he was violent and that the relation was very weak.

The first year with her was like a dream, she was very nice with my daughter, great sex, great complicity... .everything was perfect! I was like a king for her, the most beautiful man on earth, she bought me alot of gift, had a tattoo of my name. I have to say that this girl is shy, quiet, and low-profile. Then came the unavoidable question... .Do you want to have a baby with me? I told her that I had been very clear on that point from the very start of our relationship... .no more kid for me! At that time I did'nt know that I had wake up the devil inside her!

She started to become very depressed and very very jealous of my daughter and my complicity with her. She was always on her cell, took many many selfies, go out all the time with her friends, lower sex-drive. After a couple of months, I told her that if having a baby was a priority for her then it would be better for both of us to end the relationship. She decided to stay with me... .but her behavior did'nt change.

I was very doubtful, my little voice told me to watch her, that she could cheat on me like she did with her ex. Guess what? I caught her on a dating site and I broke up with her. I told her to move away from my home. She began to text me, to call me, to cry insanely and 1 month later I gave her a second chance. I'm gonna do it short... .I gave her a second and a third chance and she still was on internet chasing the male. Between every chance always the same pattern... .insane text message... .30-40 times a days... .she cried and cried... .she sent pics of her crying or sensual pics to tease me, INTENSE HARASSMENT! I was so confused why is she harassing me, crying to get me back while she was on dating site... .why? And when I gave her a chance she still cheated on my back... .why? I decided to cut everything... .no more contact with her. She told me that it was my fault because I refuse to have a baby from her.

She finally came to my home to convince me to take her back... that she will never lie to me again and that she will tell everything I want to know... and we had sex We had sex a couple days in a row and a friend of me told me that he saw her with a guy... .she had a new boyfriend, younger than her like 23 years old... .baseball cap & honda civic you know what I mean... .ridiculous, that girl is working for the gouvernment as an accountant WOW what a match! I was so furious! She's a pathological liar and she's insane! With that guy she started to drink and smoke pot every night. I have never seen someone who manipulate that way. Her mind set change every day... .even a couple times a day! The most frighting thing is that nobody who doesnt know her very well wont be able to tell you that shes insane to that point. I think she's a quiet borderline.

And you know what she tried again... .text message 30-40 time a day... .but only between 9-5 (working time)... .to play a mysterious game... .it was worst than ever... .crisis, pics, she was so confused. She texted while being drunk... .she went like "If you do not answer I'll be at your home in 1 hour... ." Even if I told her that I would go to the police she did'nt stop. I decided to call her mom and her best friend to tell them to help her and that if she continue that way I'll go to the police. I also changed my cell number. Since that time she stopped... .just a couple of email, thats it! She's really sick and she knows! she told me many times that she needs help and that never I would like to be in her skin... .never! Her speech and her action doesnt match, it's so confusing. She can tell me that I'm the man of her life and cheat on me... .? I have always said that she has no empathy, she's cold as stone and does'nt realize the pain she causes. And for the manipulation she's expert! She "knows" that she need help but does'nt look for a psychologist or a doctor.

Anyways, I'm tired to think... .I know that it's impossible between us, she's a vampire. That relation wounded me, I can feel pain even if she's gone (for the moment). I have to heal because it was a ver hard time for my heart for my soul. I have been honest all the time and that b**ch s coming in my life. I know I deserve alot better but it's weird, I miss her... .but I think it's only sexual. I'm not jealous anymore about her new boyfriend, I know she's in a rebound and he's only her next vicitm... .poor guy! I have alot of rage in my heart, I hope so deeply that one day she will pay for that... .and I know life and god knows what she did. Like I said I think she's a quiet borderline because of her low profile personnality... .what do you think of that? any advice for me? I feel tired and sad... .I really need to move on but it's difficult! Thank you in advance and sorry formaking some grammar mistakes this is not my first language!

[DreamGirl]

Hi tribalmart,

I'm so sorry for all that you've been through; being cheated on is one of the worst experiences a person can go through.

It's pretty normal to miss someone, regardless of how the relationship ended. We also have to be careful of how we detach from the relationship.

Hate is just as strong of an emotion as love. Both feelings leaving us attached to the other person. Anger also is an outward emotion that our body tends to emerge when the underlying hurt is too much of an emotion to bear.

You've created a barrier that is pretty hard for her to breach -- changing your phone number and police intervention is a pretty concrete way to let someone else know that you're not willing to take their phone call.

It sounds like you know that this relationship isn't really good for you, but you're having a hard time syncing up the love you still feel for her with the reality that she really struggles in fidelity. Man, can I understand that.

How long has it been since your break up?

~DreamGirl

[tribalmart]

Thank you soo much for you advice and comments!

Officially I broke up 2 months ago, but we kept in touch... .and it was not the best thing to do... .WOW :S

No more contact with her for 10 days... .since then I just received 2 e-mails, she wanted to apologize. I know her, this is fake... .she apologize and 1 minutes later keep going on her destruction plan! About the text message: I dont know if she's still trying to communicate with me because I have changed my cell number, maybe she's texting maybe not but I dont care.

I miss her (emotions/heart/sex) but I know she's evil (logic/brain). It's frustrating to be cheated, and to know that our story was only an illusion. She seems to be happy with her rebound and I'm frustrated about that too. But the most important pain is that my self-confidence has been hurt and that I'm afraid not finding this sexual drive again (Maybe I've got a sexual addiction issue).

I have alot of work to do on myself... .and I dont want to give up... .but the trip is gonna be long and tough. A normal adult should never consider dating a such girl... .i prefer to say EVIL rather than human. Why do I still think about her? she washed my brain and she's an expert to manipulate and destroy! Thats why I'm saying that I need help too, to find peace in me... .

[DreamGirl]

I have alot of work to do on myself... .and I dont want to give up... .but the trip is gonna be long and tough. A normal adult should never consider dating a such girl... .i prefer to say EVIL rather than human. Why do I still think about her? she washed my brain and she's an expert to manipulate and destroy! Thats why I'm saying that I need help too, to find peace in me... .

Honest question.

To make her evil and inhuman --- do you think that's helping or hurting you?

I mean, it's not necessarily a healthy coping skill to make her evil to help deal with the pain of losing her. It's OK to hurt. It's OK to admit that she was mentally ill. It's OK to love her. It's OK to be angry. It's OK to want to do something with that anger.

This is from our Choosing a Path Step 2: Take a Step Backward (click here) ------------>

It may not be obvious to you,but all of this has damaged you. You are likely now a part of the problem, too. Most likely you have lost your ability to see things clearly. You may have lost your ability to feel things properly. You may be deeply caught up in the drama, too close to everything to actually see.

You need space. Emotional space. Intellectual space.

This may not be easy to do. In the past this may have triggered your partner to be more consuming and needy. Or maybe they pushed you away and became angry or retaliatory. Or maybe you wanted them to notice and they didn't, leaving you feeling hurt.

So, this is a bit of a delicate thing. The objective is not to move out and live on a mountain - it is simply to let go of the drama and the battle of who is right/wrong. Let go of the hurt feelings or the resentment just enough to take yourself out of the day to day drama - long enough for you to see things more clearly.

For now, accept that things are not what you want them to be, that they may not be fair, and that bad things have happened. Accept that your partner has a complex disorder that is not just going to go away. This is not to say that we should agree with any of this or to say that it is OK. It's just important to surrender a bit here, let go of the drama.

You need to be able to gather yourself here, tribalmart. To see where you want to go from here.

Get back to baseline where your rational thoughts can get in line with how you're feeling. I know you don't hate her or think she's evil... .I mean I know you're really, really hurt and really, really angry.

Beating yourself up for the choice you've made or wanting to be with her isn't going to help. Trying to convince yourself she's evil isn't really going to help either.

All of this changing phone numbers and threatening police intervention. Is this something you usually do --- or are you reacting in a way you usually wouldn't? It just seems like you're still really emotionally entangled in all that's happened.

---DreamGirl

[tribalmart]

I know that my anger and rage against her is not somethng positive and it show you where I am in the healing process. I need to give up, to be rational, to think to myself and taking care of myself... .what she's doing or gonna do is not supposed to disturb me.I just need to let it go! She's sick... .but i'm not ready to forgive what she did to me... .However, is it right to link everything she did only with her illness? For the police stuff (btw I did'nt go to the police, I fake to go! Then I called her familly to ask them to help her and to tell her to stay away from me) and the phone number change, I have never done a such thing in my all life. By these actions you can see how I was psychologicaly affected and upset. The choice was simple to me... .doing something or becoming insane! She put me to my limit and dont forget I am a father of a beautiful little girl of 6 yo... .My first job is to protect her and by the way also me. By protection I also mean... .stay away from depression.