Completely numb following blow up during MC session

[ohpear]

Hi all,

Background: Married to uBPD wife for a little over a year. We were not engaged very long prior (few months).  Began noticing behavior as soon as we began living together after marriage. 5 months in is when I learned/realized it was BPD.  I sought individual therapy and ended up discussing the behavior privately with her parents (who at the time I was unaware of the extent of their own issues, which are now much more apparent- they're both PsyDs and put on a different face in front of me and others).  That was the first "action" that stopped some of worst parts of the emotional/verbal abuse I was going through.  However, elements were still there.  About four months later I found out she had begun a long-distance emotional affair (no physical contact) following that incident (back-up plan... they even referenced it in their texts).  She tried to cover it up when I asked her about him, not knowing I already knew. At that point I was ready to end it, but agreed to MC as a final attempt so no doubt would linger.  I agreed to it partly because she finally acknowledged her need for individual counseling which she began about two weeks prior to our MC.

We've been in MC for 3-4 months, attending almost weekly.  It's mostly been exactly what I feared.  The MC focuses on communication and understanding, but I feel the "issues" remain unresolved.  I'd begun coming to terms that it may remain that way. Seeing him privately, he acknowledged she may have BPD.  The sessions feel like they turn into a you-said-i-said match about winning (though that's projected on me). She also tells a completely different story, with feelings overwriting facts.  

Incidentally, most days between sessions, things are "positive," but I feel it's because we're just both doing what we need to do to preserve the relationship.  She may be completely happy if I remained that way, but I know it's absolutely unsustainable.  

A few weeks ago I got proof that some of the things she answered to me regarding the affair or past incidents was not true.  When I brought this up to her (admittedly, I was emotional) she went into a rage (I'm done, I want a divorce, you're the worst I've ever met, etc).  It went on until eventually she relapsed into attempting self-harm and then talking about suicide.  I dropped the topic.  The next day we're back to "normal" and don't revisit the topic, but of course it's unresolved.

I brought this up in MC last night, about how can I progress with trust when truth still isn't even being told in MC?  It was a very calm, controlled discussion initially.  However, as with any other discussion, the more the logic/rationale built towards making a strong point (or "attack" for her), she finally erupted.  She began saying unrelated things and diverting to different topics.  I remained quiet, upset.  The MC was similar and just let her get it out until she was done.  She said she hates how she's being pinned for everything, that I need therapy too and don't take responsibility for any of this etc.

I stopped and said I don't think this is conducive to progress and that I really don't think much more can be talked about right now.  I was shaking.  Most of the time I can foresee a rage episode coming but this was shocking.  

Now I'm left feeling that we're creating or just recycling issues in MC faster than they can be addressed or resolved (which they're probably unresolvable at this point). We have another appointment in a week.  I'm not sure what the purpose even is anymore.  I feel like I've done all I can do. Yet, if I wanted to, I can easily make things "positive" with her until then.  I've been quiet since the session because I honestly don't even know how to process this anymore.

edit:  An additional note- there have been some improvements from her individual therapy. She does not curse as heavily and catches herself sometimes, but in MC she always brings up how holding everything in is driving her crazy and she wants to be able to voice whats on her mind as it happens.  My largest concern is that her therapy seems to focus on our relationship and not a lot else is shared and vital info is withheld.  Her T recently reduced their sessions from weekly to bi-weekly because of her improvement (this a week after her above rage where she reverted to discussing suicide to me).  I told this to our MC privately and he agreed that's absolutely way too soon.

[formflier]

   

Please consider keeping up the weekly MC... .it's hard work... but important.

At start of next session discuss boundaries around rage and blaming.

I would hope that all can agree not to participate in rage and abusive talk at home... .no reason to do so in session.

Just excuse yourself for a 5 minute break... .get a drink of water.  Let MC try to get whoever is left in the room back on track. 

More later

 

FF

[ohpear]

   

Please consider keeping up the weekly MC... .it's hard work... but important.

At start of next session discuss boundaries around rage and blaming.

I would hope that all can agree not to participate in rage and abusive talk at home... .no reason to do so in session.

Just excuse yourself for a 5 minute break... .get a drink of water.  Let MC try to get whoever is left in the room back on track. 

More later

 

FF

Thank you for the positive encouragement FF.

What should I expect to look for to continue MC?  We've discussed the rage, blaming, and boundaries, how to stop a conversation when it gets heated etc.

I feel like we cannot ever get to the root of any matter.  As soon as we start going down a path where she cannot lie or make excuses to justify something, she will spill into that mode, throwing the kitchen sink to divert into a different argument.  I know better now than to take the bait, but the matter can never be addressed. I'd spoken with the MC about this prior to this session.  It's almost like a prophecy being fulfilled that it just so happened to occur a few days later in this session.

The sessions feel like they're actually negatively impacting my own mental health on top of whatever the marriage issues have already caused.  In the sessions her details of events (of things said in and outside of therapy) is so off of reality that I feel like it's just constant gaslighting.  I spend my days constantly having to remind myself or retrack and rebuild moments to assure myself that, no, that's not what happened.  All the while, I have to concentrate on keeping things livable with her between sessions.  I'm not sure how to sustain that.  On top of that, I just feel the trust can never be repaired.  Every chance she's been given to tell the truth has resulted on lies on top of lies (though I understand why she feels she is not lying).

[formflier]

 

MC negatively impacting mental health. 

A good boundary discussion... .and implementation should help that a bunch.

In other words... .don't "take" rage... .move your ears... .let MC handle her.

Don't shy away from "triggering" her in session.  That being said... .don't seek it out either.

OK... mindset.

Mindset is key.

Lower your expectations. 

If you are going to MC and communicating... .count it as a win.  Perhaps it is best to set aside "the issue" (the affair) for a while.  Work on smaller issues.

Find a foundation to build from.

FF

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Sir, i feel for you.  Love, is not enought, lacking trust.  My ex knew she was rutten, and really made it hard.  She new the was she was.  In regular fashion she was real, heart felt, understanding.  Yet the very next day was just like your wife.  It was so hard for her.  Clarity then rage,  on of those moments, she felt so much shame and guilt. She cut herself, and time moments after deep empathy while hugging she bit me zambie style, it took everything to just say it's ok, and it was after a few minutes...   when and if they confront thier demans, the girl and pain is much they want to hurt themselves, it might be equal to knowing you killed an innocent person.  The flip side is they can blame you for causing this extra emotion and hurt you.   I tried counseling, and she did do group therapy twice a week.  It did help her, but just enough to know it best not to deal with anything.  That emotions. Are the trigger, that made her lonely to.  Wow,  so now to you.  What do you want, honestly.  A healthy wife, good relationship, children.   Almost anything you would like is not going to be easy, you are with a mentally disturbed desiesed person.    I hope the best for you.  Please reach out to others and see what BPD relationship are like, what was needed to make them work and if you would be satisfied with the commitment and result after 10 to 20 years.  Please keep posting.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey ohpear, Are you seeing your own T?  If not, maybe you could consider it?  MC, in my view, has its limitations, as you are finding out.  The marriage counselor is more or less walking a tightrope between the two of you.  You might find it helpful to have an ally, i.e., your own counselor, to sort through all this BPD stuff.  It's not easy, I know, having been married to a pwBPD for 16 years (we are now divorced).

This is sort of a non sequitur, but since you have been married a fairly short period of time, I wonder if you are taking precautions in terms of sex?  It might be unwise to bring a baby into the picture at this juncture (again, I've done it . . . ).

LuckyJim

[teapay]

Hi ohpear,

I can echo AsGood and Lucky Jims comments.  I've been married to a BPD for 12 years.  We done MC multiple times throughout  our marriage in various contexts without much success.  What you describe in your experience with MC basically describes my experience with it.  Nothing ever gets resolved and I feel it has negative effects on me.  It makes it harder for me to cope with her, not easier. Communication is the focus, but mainly how I communicate to her.  Often that is all that is left to really discuss and work on since so much of the other things won't budge. Those other things can be discussed over and over---they just won't budge.

MC with a BPD is analogous to MC with an active alcoholic or drug addict.  Like those illness, BPD is a giant gorilla in the room that needs to be addressed before much progress can be made.  Unless that happens, you are just dancing around it while it pummels eveyone and wears everone down.  Do you think much progress gets made in a marriage with a full blown active heroin addict unless the drug use is addressed?   Until some motion is made in that area, therapy for yourself might be more productive.  At least that is a forum for you to discuss your stuff, learn how to protect yourself and maybe cope better with your BPD in your own way. Trying to do this in the context of MC where active BPD is present doesn't work well.  For us it just leads to a plethora of self harm.  Yes, in addition to anger, my wife will also use self harm, suicide and hospitalizations to get me and Ts to back away from issues she doesn't want to go near. 

I'd also echo Jims comments on children.  Children definitely complicate things in many ways.  They are frequently the grist of more triggers, are negatively impacted by the BPD behavior and make personal decision making even harder.

[ohpear]

Thank you everyone for your support and feedback.

I did schedule an appointment with a T for myself, the day before our next MC.  The T seems to have more background in BPD so I am hopeful he will prove beneficial.

I honestly feel like discontinuing MC. Further than that, I also feel like I need the T to push myself to make a firm decision to stay or go whereas the MC just makes me feel like I'm delaying a decision from week to week between sessions.

What I ultimately feel is that I havent been getting anything out of the marriage. Repairing the issues is one matter that seems difficult as is, but creating a relationship where I can amend his other issue seems like a pipedream after that. I'm hoping the T will help me explore what's best for my own health at this point.

[formflier]

 

If you feel like discontinuing MC... .I would go for a set number of sessions... .say 10 or so... .and see if feeling continues. 

Bring up the unhappiness with MC... .give that person a chance to address  it.

Think about MC as babysteps... .and an effort to keep a connection with a pwBPD.

It's not easy... .

FF