GF has BPD and loves attention of other men

[LoveAndConfusion]

Hello,

first off, thank you for providing me a safe environment for this topic. I am a 27 year old man and I met a young woman (aged 23) this past July and just as you can expect, she made me fall for her super fast and we were in love in a matter of weeks. When we had met she had informed me she would be moving to England, from Canada, this Autumn to teach for a year. We lived a 5 hour drive away from each other prior to her move across the pond and we had the understanding that our PERFECT summer together was telling that we could do the long distance thing. Now before she left for England we had spent every weekend together and extended weekends (generally thursday to sunday or friday to monday) while i adjusted my work schedule (I am lucky enough to have that flexibility) to ensure we would be able to spend quality time together. Now the first month and a half that she had been in England, she would text numerous times a day, call and FaceTime at least twice a day if not more. Things seemed to be going really well, we were very open with each other and planned visits and trips away together during her time off. Her first break was this previous week, which I had gone out to see her. The 3 weeks prior to this however she seemed quite distant, wouldn't call or answer my calls until she was in bed and could only talk for a few minutes before falling asleep, and the frequency of her texts dropped off drastically. I just returned home this morning from my first visit to see her. Upon my arrival i was greeted with "I haven't been taking my BPD medication because I wanted to enjoy the high feelings when you are here, so i could enjoy it more. I have been so busy and stressed with teaching i need to take things slow and fall in love all over again". For me, all I wanted to do was pick her up and hold her for hours while kissing her the entire time. However for the first 2 days when i would attempt to kiss her there was not much there in terms of her returning the kiss (lips still and cold). Later in the week, she was having an episode, locked herself in the bathroom crying and asking me to help, to which I calmly stated that i understand she is upset however i am unable to help unless she can tell me what triggered this episode. She went silent. so i sat on the edge of the bed with plans to wait it out. During my sitting there i looked back at our texts, and realized that right around the point her texts became less frequent, her calls became scarce... .she had met a boy in England. At first i didn't jump to conclusions, however i then went back to the bathroom and again calmly asked if she still wants my help that she has to let me know what triggered the event. She then said "I didn't cheat on you, i'm not dating anyone else." This triggered in my mind that something had happened and i got quite emotional. She had then admitted to kissing this boy, but insisted again that it was not cheating because she is not dating this boy she is dating me and i am her man. I broke down emotionally, because in my mind she had cheated on me, she kissed someone else. While I was in my weak, crying state, i told her i do not know if i can trust her after this, to which she asked what she can do to make me feel better. I had told her i do not want her seeing this boy ever again and if she does see him again, it will leave me no choice but to leave the relationship. She had promised to not see this boy again, however she was then very sad and upset for the rest of my visit. The night prior to my return i could not sleep, so i stayed awake and wrote her a letter (explaining that i care deeply for and love her too deeply to give up), i then placed the letter on her nightstand on her side of the bed. When she awoke in the morning, she had said that she will read it when she gets home from work as she doesn't want to start the day off sad. She then got ready for work, and as she was leaving she turned to me for a hug, and a kiss that seemed as cold as the first kiss when i arrived. As she turned around to walk out the door i asked for one more kiss to which she returned to my arms and showed a little more passion in the second kiss before pulling away and saying she can't start the day off sad and has to go.

Now i am home, back in Canada. Left yesterday morning. I have yet to say the words "i forgive you for the indiscretion". I want to forgive her, as i stated i care and love deeply for this young woman. She has honestly made me feel as though love was created just for us. However, i truly do not know if i trust that she will be faithful and fulfil the promise of not seeing this boy again, or another boy while saying "you just said i can't see the other boy".

Any words of encouragement, or advice, on how to handle this would be greatly appreciated. I really do thank you all. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[babyducks]

Hi LoveandConfusion

Welcome to the bpdfamily website.  I'm sorry circumstances brought you here but I am happy you found us.   There are a lot of caring supportive people who are willing to share their experiences and advice here.   There is a tremendous wealth of information about BPD.  There is an equal amount of information about relationships, communication, and just plain old people skills.   This is a safe place and it can help.

Your experience is something many of us can relate to.  Especially the blissfully intense honeymoon period.   I remember meeting my partner and in a very short period of time being literally over the moon.

I noticed you mentioned in your post that your GF said she wasn't taking her BPD medication.  It appears that she has some awareness of the disorder?   How about you?   Are you at all familiar with how BPD manifests itself?

Since there is so much information on this website let me include a link that I think you might find helpful;

The Symptoms and Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder

I think the take away from that article is that typically the signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:

* Strong emotions that wax and wane frequently

* Intense but short episodes of anxiety or depression

* Inappropriate anger, sometimes escalating into physical confrontations

* Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses

* Fear of being alone

The fear of being alone can drive a lot of impulsive behavior.   Forgiving it can be very difficult.  I am going to encourage you to read everything you can here.   When I first got here I read so much I thought my eyes were going to fall out.      The more you can educate yourself the better off you will be.  I am also going to encourage you to ask questions.  If you find something in your reading that you want to know more about,  throw it out on the boards.



'ducks

[downintx]

As the above poster said - you are in the honeymoon phase - great sex, and faked emotion. The great sex usually is to get you hooked and addicted to them, so that you wont leave them - its their way of fulfilling their abandonment fears. The medication helps a lot, but the minute they miss a dose, you can clearly see their true colors, and as you mentioned, and as I have experienced, their flirting goes into overdrive. It is very noticeable when you are at a social gathering, and how fast they are to abandon you, and how friendly they become with other men by chatting them up, and touching them - they make new "friends" very easy. As I have experienced from being married to a BPD for many years, and after she had a couple of affairs - she would tell me that any of the love she showed me over the years was a facade. In my opinion, they are not able to love you emotionally, it is all a fake facade that that they are putting on. The locking herself in the bathroom is all attention seeking drama - wait, it gets worse, once she has you hooked, or she gets pregnant - then the "fun" / drama starts. I don't mean to scare you, but they can very addicting in the beginning, but once that honeymoon phase is over, and they know they have you where they want you - heaven help you. I would be very cautious. Sounds as if you are in the early stages of a relationship, and if she is starting with her dramatic ways and cheating so early in the game, I would do your homework before you get your head in so deep, that there is no turning back. Best of luck to you.