Daughter wiht BPD and Substance Abuse Issues

[Heartisaching]

My beautiful 25 year old daughter (only child) has always been hypersensitive and impatient.  I was kind of like that, too, so figured it was just passed on.  When puberty hit, she became more volatile at times but did well in school, had friends, and no behavioral issues.  In high school, she did start "cutting".  We had her see a therapist but they chalked it up to growing up, I guess.  She did it infrequently.  As a junior in college, she spent 6 months abroad in Russia.  This was right after breaking up with the only boyfriend she'd ever had.  Near the end of her stint overseas, she started telling us she was depressed.  We let her come home a bit early (still getting her credits) and she seemed to snap out of the depression when she arrived home.  But after about a month back at school, she attempted suicide (a pretty weak attempt that she stated was more of a cry for help as she took some Tylenol and drank the prescribed cough medicine she had been given for bronchitis). She voluntarily went under a 72 hour hold (may have been mandated but they first asked if she wanted to do so) and was diagnosed with "situational depression".  She chose to leave college for that semester and come back home.  She then went back to college and ended up graduating.  Always with the flair for the dramatic, but functional.  Until this past year when she decided to work as a bartender.  And met a heroin addict.  And in 11 months she went from no illegal drugs to trying everyone ever made.  To make a long story short, in August on her 25th birthday we brought her to the ER.  She was open to getting help.  They brought her to a detox facility for a 72 hour hold.  It was her reckless impulsivity that determined that as she was not all that intoxicated when we brought her there.  But my husband and I knew she needed help.  I looked into residential rehab but we really didn't want to go into more debt than we were already in, opted for an intensive outpatient program for substance abuse.  Personally, I think we all knew that her BPD was her main issue, the substance abuse was a symptom.  But they wanted to address the substance abuse first.  From 8/30 until this week, she was the perfect patient.  At her graduation ceremony, all the other patients said wonderful things about her.  She cut herself off from the jerk who assisted her plunge into drugs, she went to all her meetings, found a new job, went to AA meetings, etc.  We had good talks at home when she was struggling.  I could see her handle her mood issues in a more "adult" manner than ever before.  And she started seeing a therapist for her other issues.  She hasn't been officially diagnosed with BPD, but last week they gave her a prescription for Lamical (sp?) due to her mood disorder (which she has not filled yet).  And after she graduated on Thursday from her program, she promptly went back to the drug addict and came home today not sober.  It's like she does well and deliberately sabotages herself.  And she thinks she's in love with a guy who almost choked her to death in a drug haze one time.

My heart is breaking.  I had so much hope for her.  Tomorrow we've given her the choice to continue to live with us (she has no money as she just started her job and blew anything she had from her last job on drugs) and abide by very, very strict rules.  Or she can choose to go live with a guy that loves heroin more than he loves her.  And, to be honest, even if she comes to her senses tomorrow and chooses to stay here and continue on with her job (which she loves), I know it will only be a matter of time until she impulsively chooses the guy (thus, the drugs, too).  I'm afraid for her life, I'm afraid for my marriage, I'm afraid for my life.  And I wonder where I screwed up. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Dear Heartisachin,

I'm so sad to read your story about your lovely daughter. 

Mental illness and addiction often travel the path of destruction together.  The relapse rate for addicts after  treatment is so high and this is very frustrating for the ones who love an addict.  Addressing the root cause of addiction for the mentally ill is paramount in the recovery process, and a process it is indeed. 

I understand the financial burden of inpatient care as my daughter was in residential treatment for 10 months on our dime.  Many times insurance will cover inpatient care for addiction and not mental illness.  Using the system to our advantage as much as possible is all we can really do in regards to inpatient care.  A dual diagnoses program to address the underlying mental illness while working on addiction recovery may be helpful for your daughter.

Is this something she would consider for herself? 

Many of the parents here on the site attend Al Anon to help them cope with having a mentally ill and addicted adult child.  We also attend therapy ourselves to help us focus on our own well being.  We come here and share our burdens, share the self care skills, learn communication skills to  help our relationships with our kids, and learn about this disorder that takes over our children/our lives.

You express concern about your marriage, is your husband d25's father?  Are you at odds with each other about how to handle your daughter?

I look forward to hearing back from you and being a source of support for you.

lbj

[mimi99]

Welcome. I'm so sorry to hear about your daughters relapse. Let me state emphatically-- I am the mother of a BPDd24 who is also a drug addict. She did really well for a while in NA, celebrating milestones of clean time. She became active in a church and was attending nursing school. Then... .who knows what triggers the setbacks. After months of decline, she became involved in a relationship with a fellow drug user and they became engaged after 2 weeks.

It affected my marriage as well. My husband is the stepfather and he felt powerless to do anything, becoming the major recipient of the abuse. He began to think that he didn't want to stay in our marriage if it meant living with d for the rest of her life. He is actually the one who found this website for me.

LBJ's suggestion of Al Anon is a good one. Many people find it helps them to be happy no matter what their loved one is doing (or not doing). That doesn't mean we don't fear for and grieve for our children, it means our lives no longer revolve around keeping them clean and sane. We learn to set boundaries for ourselves and enforce them for our own sanity. It sounds like you have already decided on some and are prepared to stick with them. When we told our d that she couldn't come home after she left treatment AMA, it broke my heart. I cried every day for weeks. Thankfully, the intensity of that grief lessens, and while I still grieve for the loss of my daughter, I am able to get through the day without sobbing, and actually feel better most of the time.

Best of luck to you and keep posting. You will get some very helpful replies.

[jellibeans]

Dear Heartisaching

I am sorry for your struggles with your dd. My dd18 has been to rehab three times this year and I will tell you we almost lost her for good due to her drug use. It has been a rough year but even rougher for my dd. It is hard to let go sometimes but I think when you start doing that it forces the addict to get the help they need. My dd has been sober for 90 days now and that makes me hopeful but I know there is always a chance she will relapse. Addiction is a disease and if your dd is doing heroin then it is even harder to recover. We have had to draw a very firm line in the sand with our dd. Make is very uncomfortable for them so they have no other choice to get help. Good luck to you and your dd... .it is a hard road... .take care of yourself and get some help. Hang in there

[livednlearned]

I'm afraid for her life, I'm afraid for my marriage, I'm afraid for my life.  And I wonder where I screwed up.  

I'm glad you found us   and hope you'll feel heard and understood here.

Many of us feel guilt about how our kids turn out. My son has a wonderful therapist who helped me understand epigenetics, saying that my son's DNA is probably predisposed toward being highly sensitive, and that the environment can switch off and on behaviors. These environments have so many variables, and as parents, we are only one of those variables.

If your D was a highly sensitive child (there are two good books, Highly Sensitive Adult, as well as Highly Sensitive Child), it's possible that it was difficult to parent her in a way that worked for both of you, not to mention school systems that can overwhelm sensitive kids and overstimulate them to the point where they feel flooded constantly. I realize that I invalidated my son in the name of being a consistent, disciplined parent, trying to get him to overcome his sensitivities without understanding how acutely he was feeling everything, both physical and emotional.

Your D responded well to treatment and relapsed -- this is apparently common for addicts, unfortunately. What is heartening about her story is that she was open to receiving help and did well in that environment. She knows what it feels like to be healthy and while it may take her repeated efforts to get back to that place, she knows it's there, and she knows you're there.

I highly recommend the lessons and learn the skills in the sidebar -- they will help you so much! Especially validation and setting (and keeping) boundaries. We can easily feel abused in our relationships with mentally ill children, and it's important to make sure you take care of yourself so you have the strength to be there for your D.


LnL